Blogoversary or Blogiversary??? Whatever It Is, It’s Here!

Regardless of how it is said, today is mine!

On my third anniversary of my blog last year, we were trying to figure out the whole surrogacy thing.  We were so lost.

Ever since then, we went through more roller coaster rides.  But all of that doesn’t matter anymore.  We cherish where we are at today.

Today, I am struggling with how to deal with our gestational carrier’s emotions and discomfort.  Today, I am waiting for our 24 weeks ultrasound A.K.A. viability.  Today, I am having a difficult time settling on where to do our baby registry.

Whatever I am going through right now is heck of a lot better than what could have been or where we were at my blogoversary/blogiversary last year, two years ago, three years ago, or when the blog started.

We have babies coming. They are baking.  They are thriving.  Although I don’t get to carry them.  Although I don’t have genetic connections with them.  They are mine.  I am their mom.  There is nothing better than being in this position (until they are safely in my arms).

For that, I am grateful.

And I am also thankful for all the support, whether quietly through reading or actively via commenting.

Sincerely, from the bottom of my heart:  Thank you.

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Three Years Later, Still Hopeful

Word Press notified me that today is the third anniversary of this blog.

Oh yes.  This blog began right when we were about to start our first IVF cycle.  Fellow bloggers who started at around the same time come and go, and some are moving on to their second child.  Just like any other bloggers who write about infertility, I was hopeful that IVF would work and I wouldn’t be here writing a blog post on my third anniversary waiting to make a huge decision about the next step to bring home our baby.

After 8 IVF cycles that resulted in 7 retrievals and two transfers with embryos that were made with my own eggs, we had one chemical pregnancy.  In July 2014, I began to grieve the loss of a genetic link with my future babies.  In March 2015, we officially closed the chapter of treatment with my own eggs and moved forward to donor eggs.  But, egg donation is no silver bullet.  The careful selection of frozen eggs from a proven donor did not help us with a baby in our arms.  Instead, we were devastated by yet another chemical pregnancy as well as negative results with our last DE transfer.

But I had always had hope and faith that all I needed was eggs and embryos from a fresh cycle with a proven donor, as I always believed that I had a “perfect” uterus.  I have had no problems growing my lining.  Although I had a history of uterine fibroids, no one had told me that my uterus could possibly be the reason why we don’t get pregnant.

I thought that relinquishing the genetic connection with my offspring was difficult.  However, to me, being told that your uterus is the problem is exponentially more crushing than the need of using donor eggs.  My dream of feeling a baby grow inside of me is replaced by the fear and worry of potential risks and complications one may have associated with my uterine condition.

So here we are, on this blog’s third anniversary, we find ourselves at this crossroad once again.  We have been in that place many times.  All the uncertainties we have experienced in the past few years would probably make an interesting book.  Although we don’t know how and when we will get our child(ren), we know that both of us have the strong desires to move forward and try our best to achieve that.  Surrogacy is being looked into.  We are in line for our donor’s next donation cycle.  My therapist has been helping me sort through my confused mind.  Infertility didn’t pull me and Bob apart.  In fact, we are stronger as a couple.  Does it mean that we don’t have our weak moments?  Not at all.  We struggle emotionally and sometimes spiritually as we navigate our next steps.  Does it mean that we are not tired of this process?  This season has probably been the most fatiguing emotionally and mentally.  But both of us are completely committed to bringing home a child.  My dear husband talks about our future child on a daily basis, just like three years ago.

Although this journey sucks, we are hopeful that somehow some time in the near future, our child will come into our life.

Thank you for following this journey in the last few years, and hopefully you will be there to witness it when our child finds his/her way to us.

This Blog is Two Years Old

I was lying in bed this morning trying to wake up.  It suddenly dawned on me that it is June 2nd.  Two years ago on a Sunday, I gathered up enough courage to register on WordPress.com and started a blog.

And of course, when I got up, WordPress.com congratulated me on my achievement of being with them the last two years.  It is a nice milestone.  I went back and read what I wrote about my first anniversary last year.  Looking at my words, there are some of the fundamental things that I still believe in.  I still believe that God is in control.  God comes through every single time.  Last year I was in a better place with not being bitter.  I was still full of hope.  And this was the end of my blog post:

“And I hope that by then our little binky moongee will be growing inside me (of course without the binky yet) and will soon debut to the world.  I am holding onto that hope.  Maybe then the blog should be renamed “In Quest of Another Binky Moongee”.”

These words moved me to tears.  Another year has gone by and I am no closer to that baby in my body.  I have held onto the hope and the dream that have not been fulfilled.  In fact, tomorrow is the day I am going to deal with this unanticipated problem in my uterus: removing scar tissue hopefully to get the green light to move onto an egg donation cycle.  I am having a really tough time to deal with this emotionally.  I wasn’t having as tough of a time before when I was banking embryo because 1) I knew and had accepted that my ovaries are crappy and 2) I knew that my fibroids on the uterine wall had already grown back but were not a big problem.  My uterine lining was never a problem, so I held onto that belief that as long as I can find some good eggs, we can make normal embryos that can implant and become a baby.  The discovery of this problem has made infertility so much tougher to deal with.  I usually could deal with this kind of unexpected issue.  However, recently, things at home have been very tense.  The tension is related to pride, family living arrangement, self-image, work, finances, and of course, infertility.  With the stress and tension at home, I am having a really difficult time coping with it all.  Nothing stresses me out more than having tension at home.  My shoulders are always up to my ears.  I feel that I can’t even find a safe haven in my own home because I don’t know when things will explode.  Focusing at work has become a challenge.  Unfortunately, work has also been very busy.  I need to force myself to take a deep breath and focus.  In this infertility journey, I have experienced my share of ups and downs.  However, I really don’t remember a time I am having such a difficult time.  More often than not, I have these strong desires to go somewhere and hide from everything: from my husband, my work, my family, receiving more bad news, the surgery, and having to choose a donor and going through with a DE cycle.

Last year this time, I didn’t anticipate that life would be so tough.  But it’s okay.  I don’t know what the future holds.  But I know that when you drop to the bottom of the pit, there is no where else to go.  So I hope I don’t stay there for too long before climbing back up again.

Hopefully when I climb out of there, the view will be the best that I will ever see.

It’s Been a Year

I knew that my one year blogoversary was coming up. I knew that I wanted to write something on the day.  The weekend came and the weekend was gone.  I woke up groggy and did not go to boot camp.  I was not completely myself and forgot.  WordPress then reminded me that I started blogging one year ago.

A year ago, on a Sunday afternoon, after lurking and stalking everyone in the blog world for a couple of years, I felt the urge to have my own space, to talk about my own journey, to comment on other people’s blogs, and to make connections with those who might know what I was going through and how I felt.  I didn’t know what to expect and didn’t think anyone would be interested in what I wanted to say.

And then I found all of you.  Or you found me.  Whichever way it was, that afternoon, the little voice in my head and the little fire in my heart helped me make one of the best decisions I have ever made in my life.

So I just want to share my sincere appreciation for all of you who have read my words, commented on my posts, given me advice, listened to my rants, cheered for my successes, mourned my losses, prayed with me and for me, walked side by side with me on the worst day of my life, and encouraged me to pick myself up and try again.

I know I would’ve survived the last year without this blog, but my quality of life would’ve been so much worse.  And because of you continuing to read and comment, it motivates me to continue to document my journey because I feel like it will matter to someone out there.

A year ago, we were about to embark on our IVF journey at the end of the  month.  I was wondering how Bob’s and my life would be different if I had lasted a year writing this blog.  I was imagining being pregnant or about to be giving birth.  I was being positive and thinking positive.

Fast forward a year.  We are not pregnant.  We don’t have a baby in our arms.  So did we not gain something in this past year?

I have definitely made gains this past year.  Intellectually, I know my situation and I understand it a lot more than one year ago.  I know that the diagnosis of diminished ovarian reserve is no joke. It’s a cruel diagnosis.  Even the most advance technology in the reproductive science field cannot help with many cases like mine.  I know how I respond to meds.  I know it doesn’t matter high stims or low stims.  I get one embryo.  Or no embryos at all.  I didn’t have this knowledge last year.  I was anxious to try and was hoping that my body would be against the odds.  A year has passed and I just know that I am no different from the majority of the women with DOR.  It’s good to know, so we can have closure and move onto the next step.  It’s good to learn about your own individual case and be realistic about the odds.  I have a clearer direction as to the path that may lead to a forever baby for us rather than how we were one year ago, hoping to be one of the lucky ladies that proved “It only takes one”.  I am a lot more open to egg donation and am seriously considering the possibility of it if trying with our own eggs doesn’t work in the end.  So yes.  I am better off than a year ago.

Spiritually, I’ve also learned that God is in control.  Not the doctors.  Not myself.  God is.  Everything is in God’s timing.  Even though I am not pregnant yet and don’t have a baby yet, God is the one who makes the supernatural possible.  Yes, I believe that the supernatural needs to happen for me to have a baby.  And I have seen numerous times in the past year that the supernatural and miracles do happen.  I am looking at all of my DOR blog friends who are pregnant or even have given birth.  You know who you are.  I feel tremendous joy for you that miracles have happened.  There is hope for the supernatural to happen in our household here.  In what or whom am I putting my trust and hope?  My answer is God.  Even through my loss and the darkest time in my life, the Lord came through and lifted me up.  He has shown me repeatedly that He is there to wipe my tears and pick up my broken pieces.  For that, I am grateful that my eyes are open to the Lord that has always been there for me.

I am also grateful that I have not become more bitter.  In fact, I am getting slowly better with being around pregnant women, hearing baby news, and holding newborn babies.  I am in general feeling more liberated than one year ago.  In about a week, I am about to attend a baby shower and a baby party.  I can’t tell you the last time I went to one of either.  But I am going to try.  And I think I will be okay.  So I feel that I have matured in the past year.  Do I still feel jealous at times?  You bet you.  Am I being able to come out of it and go back to being okay?  I can confidently say Yes.  So this is the blessing that God has granted me after so many months of prayers.

There are still so many unknowns in the future.  One thing I know is that I will continue blogging.  This space has given me the kind of connection that I can’t find anywhere else.  I want to write and I want to update you on what’s going on with me.  I hope I will continue to have a voice in this space in a year’s time to write a post about my second year blogging.  And I hope that by then our little binky  moongee will be growing inside me (of course without the binky yet) and will soon debut to the world.  I am holding onto that hope.  Maybe then the blog should be renamed “In Quest of Another Binky Moongee”.