MicroblogMondays: Baby Shower

We are 31 weeks 5 days today.  We had the most amazing baby shower on Saturday.

First of all, my dearest blog friend Maddie flew all the way from the east coast to attend the shower.  It was our first time meeting each other face-to-face, but we had been talking to each other on a regular basis (weekly if not daily) for at least the last three years.  I can’t begin to tell you how touched and thankful I am that she took a couple of days off to come all the way here to celebrate our twins and witness this important milestone with us.  We had the most wonderful time hanging out.  She and our other dear blog friend Jane Allen also met face-to-face for the first time.  This mini blogger get-together was so precious.

The shower itself was phenomenal.  It was everything that I had hoped for in a shower. My sister-in-law and our pastor’s wife were the hosts. The shower took place at my pastor’s house.  The home decor matched the colors of our nursery and the theme of the baby shower: yellow and gray, which made the whole baby shower look very harmonious.  At the entrance of the house, there was a station where our babies’ ultrasound photos were displayed in picture frames.  On the other side, there were pieces of very pretty paper in gray and yellow patterns on little clipboards for guests to write any advice or prayers for us.  The living room was decorated with yellow flowers.  The dining room table had a beautiful three-layered white cake with gray stripes and polka dots, and lots of onesies’ on the other side for guests to decorate.  On the kitchen counter were snacks with little yellow flags as labels.  Everything was just so pretty.  The hosts did a fantastic job decorating.


Got to love the advice from my sister-in-law: Let them eat dirt and crayons!  But the rest of her advice is so heart-felt and to the point.  This is just one example of the advice that we got.  We have a jar-full of prayers and advice from our guests.  I have read every single one of them twice.  I am sure I will read them over and over again and learn from all of our friends’ wisdom.

The highlight of the day was being able to visit with every single one of our guests.  We hadn’t seen some of them in a really long time.  It was lovely to spend some time with them.  Since it was a non-traditional shower, we decided to go co-ed and invited many of Bob’s friends.  It was so much fun to have the guys there as well.  And it was extra special to have Maddie and Jane there with me as they have walked this journey with me from the beginning.  Everyone seemed to have had a great time.  Some spent time to write down prayers and advice.  Others decorated the onesies.  We had some very talented people in our midst.  We had cats, giraffes, flowers, bunny, Hello Kitty, elephant, dogs, Superman logo, turtle, etc.



About an hour into the shower, we met Annie on video chat.  Our guests got to meet her, say hi, and see the bump.  It was special to share this moment with Annie.  After that, we opened presents.  Our friends and family are so generous with us.  The gifts were amazing.  After opening all the presents, we had cake.  The cake flavors were my favorites: chocolate and red velvet.


My very talented friend Jo took all of these incredible pictures for us.

The fact that we have come to this point of our journey is nothing short of amazing.  When we were in the throes of the infertility journey, it was very difficult to imagine being able to celebrate our bab(ies) with our loved ones at an event like we had on Saturday.  We just feel so loved.  We can’t wait to meet the babies, and can’t wait for the babies to meet all of our friends and family.

We have a growth scan today.  Hopefully 6.5 more weeks to go!

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MicroblogMondays: Making More Progress

Some of you will be proud of me, that I did a whole lot this past week preparing for the babies.

My friend A. was so right.  (Man, she is ALWAYS the wise one.)  When I talked to her about my fear of starting the baby registry last week, she said that I seemed like a college kid looking at a blank screen who couldn’t get through the first sentence.  That was such a great description.  I felt exactly that way.  She made a great suggestion.  She told me to go with a girlfriend to a store and do the point and shoot scanner thing and just have fun.  And she added, grab lunch beforehand and have some rose too. 😀

I took her advice.  Lunch and rose didn’t happen, but my Dear Colleague met up with me one afternoon at Babies R Us (because Buy Buy Baby’s opening in our area won’t be until September).  The staff member who helped me was super helpful and nice (unlike what I read on some reviews of that particular store location).  With the scanner in hand, Dear Colleague and I walked around the shop feeling overwhelmed.  Well, I don’t know about her, but I was overwhelmed.  We walked around looking at many things.  The bottles section was particularly dizzying.  After about 15 minutes, we decided that we needed to just scan something symbolically as the beginning of this process.  So we stood in front of the health section, picked up a thermometer, and pointed the scanner at the barcode.  Done.  First item registered.  This process officially started.

I actually didn’t like the selections at BRU.  I mean, it has more things than Tar.get probably, but there were still many things that it didn’t have.  After my Dear Colleague left for her dinner date, I walked around by myself still feeling a bit overwhelmed, wondering how many of each thing to buy and wishing that I had my laptop there to check reviews and tips/lists given by my friends who are moms of twins.  It was nice to touch and lift certain things that I had done research on, like car seats and playards.  The infant car seat was the first thing that I ever looked at because I knew we needed one (now two) to bring our baby(ies) home.  Seeing a variety in person helped me make a decision.  What surprised me was the size of all these playards.  They are so so big!  I just don’t see how one can fit nicely in our bedroom as bassinets for the initial few months with the babies.   I still need to find a sleep solution for the twins before we transfer them to cribs.  Another helpful thing was touching and lifting some of the diaper bags out there.  Some of them are so heavy!  This experience definitely helped me eliminate some of the choices out there.

I finally scanned about eight things before I walked out of the store exhausted.  This is definitely a work in progress.  I am proud of myself for finally getting it started.

Over the weekend, I was also agonizing over the guest list for the baby shower.  Space was a concern of mine, as I didn’t want to burden the hosts with so many people.  However, this is not going to be a traditional baby shower.  It is going to be more like a celebration of our journey to our babies.  Including Bob and our guy friends is very important to me.  My sister-in-law and I had a talk.  She said the most important thing was for me to give her and our pastor’s wife (who is the co-host) the list of people I would like to invite and they’d figure out the rest.  After working hard on it one evening, I submitted a list of people we would invite, people we would love to invite, and people who are out of town or know that they won’t be available.  Bless my pastor’s wife’s heart.  This is her email:

“I say we invite them all :).  We can totally be like sardines and it will be great. I think people may or may not bring kids.  If I were invited to a baby shower I would naturally not want to bring my kids, haha!  If all 80 people showed up it could get crazy, but that just means you get more presents.  Am I being a little too ambitious, ha?”

To clarify, I am not inviting 80 people.  But the list does look big.  I am sure that not everyone would come.  I am thankful for someone who is willing to accommodate all of our friends and family.  But yeah!  This was something that I struggled to get done, and I am so relieved that they have the list now!  One more thing to cross off the list.

Bob and I continued to clean out the garage to a point where we could move some of the stuff from the second bedroom to downstairs.  Now that these miscellaneous things are out of the second bedroom, we can better visualize it as our nursery and think about where the cribs and dresser will go.

Not only did we make progress, Annie did also.  She seemed to be doing better these past couple of days.  For the first time in a long time, she answered “I’m good” when I asked her how she was doing.  She had been saying “I’m okay” for the longest time.  And she asked me about me more so than the last couple of weeks.  I feel like she is slowly coming out of her shell of the agony over the last few weeks with the physical and emotional ailments.  I am so thankful that she is doing better.

As we are approaching mid-June, all of us seem to be making good progress.  Only three more months before babies arrive.  Or as Bob puts it, we have gone from triple-digit in days (over 100) to double-digit in days before our scheduled C-section.  Things are getting exciting over here. 🙂

MicroblogMondays: Crossing Things off the List

I have a huge task list staring at my face whenever I look at my Gmail.

There seems to be ten thousand things to do before our babies arrive.  Although I am not the one carrying so my fatigue has nothing to do with pregnancy, looking at the list is still overwhelming to me and makes me want to hide under the cover and take a nap.

But then, I realize I have to put on my big girl panties and get to the tasks.  I am proud to say that I am slowly tackling the list.

First up was booking a photographer.  My original idea was a maternity photo shoot around 28 weeks with Annie, her family, me, and Bob.  My first choice would have been my pastor’s wife who is a professional photographer.  However, she will not be available around our preferred time plus the cost would skyrocket with flying her there.  She helped me look at the work of photographers local to Annie and we did a lot of back and forth on FB Messenger.  We finally settled on one who was super excited about capturing these moments for us…. until the whole hemorrhoid incident and anxiety attack took place.  If Annie continues to be so uncomfortable, taking pictures of her might not be the best idea.  I really didn’t want to spend so much money on plane tickets, accommodations, session fees for the photography, and other expenses to risk her not feeling well enough for it.  Right after her anxiety attack, we decided to hold off on booking a photographer.  Honestly, I was a little bummed about it because maternity photo shoot had been something that I really wanted to do.  But it’s okay.  I’ll live.  I also had an idea of doing one here just me and Bob and two pairs of baby booties.  Since there is no time limit on it, we can do it anytime, so there is no pressure in booking a session any time soon.  We are going to book that particular photographer for a photo shoot for our C-section though.  So at least I can document it.

Last Friday I checked in with Annie.  She had been feeling a bit better as her symptoms of both hemorrhoids and anxiety were now mild.  She reported that our babies have been very active in the morning and the evening, kicking and moving around.  I told her that I wished I could feel the movements by touching her tummy, but I don’t know when I would make it there.  If I go early to help her out before birth, then I’d spend time with her prior to the babies’ arrival.  She was surprised that we weren’t going to the 28 weeks ultrasound anymore.  She said that if things continue to be better, she should be okay with the maternity photo shoot.  This conversation reignited my hope of getting the maternity photo shoot done.  However, after chatting with Bob, it seems wiser to just stay put and put the money towards other things as it is very expensive to fly the both of us over each time.  I am so glad that Annie is feeling better though.  I hope that her hemorrhoids don’t come back so she’ll continue to be more comfortable.  Poor girl, she can’t sit on her bottom and has to sit on her thighs.

The baby shower was next on the list.  My sister-in-law and my pastor’s wife are hosting.  They live across from each other so they’ll see who will host depending on the size of the party.  After a lot of thinking, we decided on a shower at around 31 weeks.  That will be right after our Hawaii “babymoon”.  I hope that our babies stay put until after that.  I owe my SIL a list of guest and a baby registry.  She can’t send out an invitation without these two things.  I don’t know why but I find the guest list difficult to put together.  Should it be girls only or co-ed?  How many people is too many people?  If we make it girls only, will Bob’s and my guy friends feel left out?  Should we include kids?  Babies?  I don’t plan on having games, so maybe co-ed is okay.  I was told that guys hate baby showers, but this is hardly a conventional baby shower.  So maybe it’s okay to have the guys around?

And then there is this whole thing about where to register.  Like I said before, we don’t have a Buy Buy Baby around us.  We have a Target and Babies R Us close by.  I am tempted to just do Amazon and one of the two brick and mortar stores, but I don’t know what is better.  My friend Jo said that Bed, Bath, and Beyond (and Buy Buy Baby) has the best return policy, which is 365 days.  She buys her big ticket items there and returns them at the store.  That, to me, beats returning things online.  So I have been very indecisive on which site to register at.  And then I also have to decide on what to register.  There are just too many choices out there and I feel overwhelmed every single time I look at the list.  Isn’t registering for baby items supposed to be the fun part of this process?  All I feel is stress, which is not good.  But yeah, I will have to get something started very soon so we can send out the invitation for the shower.

Next up on the list was window treatments.  After our house remodel 4.5 years ago, I lost steam and never did our window treatments.  Our babies’ arrival is a good motivator for me to get my act together.  A few weeks ago, a local company that has very good reviews never returned my call.  So I contacted another company whose owner promptly showed up at my door at the appointed time.  Within an hour, she showed me what might work for the windows in our various rooms and had me choose the styles, colors, pleat size, and light control options.  I was kind of forced into picking the colors and styles, which might be good for me, as I am so indecisive about these things.  Roller shades vs. roman shades vs. cellular shades.  Beige vs. brighter vs. grey.  Room-darkening vs. blackout vs. light filtering.  Bottom up only vs. top down as well.  Again.  So many choices.  My mom quickly made her decision, which helped me in choosing mine.  Without choosing the colors/style, I’d never be able to get an accurate estimate.  I just received the quote for the shades, which is within my expectation.  Window dressing the whole house is an expensive endeavor, so that kind of seals the deal for not traveling to Annie’s town for the 28 week ultrasound.

Clearing our the spare bedroom that will become our “nursery” is the next thing we need to do.  This room has become the dumping ground for miscellaneous, and it also houses our book cases, leftover fertility meds and full sharps containers, toilet papers and paper towels, and a twin mattress.  In order to fix this room, we had to first clear out the garage.  Since we remodeled 4.5 years ago and moved back in, we have put all the things that we didn’t need in the garage.  Over the years, the pile had gotten bigger and bigger, and it all felt like a big black hole.  Without cleaning this mess, I couldn’t possibly allow myself to add the content of the spare bedroom to the mix.  Last Saturday, we got to work and started moving things into piles: donate, sell, electronic waste, recycle, and trash.  We also moved all of the baby stuff that my friend gave me into the living room.  These boxes have been hiding in this garage for the last 4.5 years.  I am so glad that they get to see the light of day.  I also finally cleaned out my 200000 pairs of shoes and only kept those that I will really wear. It was a monumental task to part with my shoes but I was proud of myself for making the cut. I will not get into details, but let me just say that Bob and I didn’t see eye-to-eye on the method of cleaning things out.  This difference in opinion led to a huge fight, and the exhaustion from cleaning made it worse.  Despite this unnecessary fight, we made headway in the garage and cleaned out more than half of the stuff in there.  It is not totally done but we are both proud of the work that we have done so far.  Hopefully after we’re completely done with the garage, we can start packing up the things in the spare bedroom and make ways for baby stuff.

On the list, there is also choosing a pediatrician, registering/attending baby classes, buying a car, and on and on and on.  When I get overwhelmed, Bob always says that he is confident that we will get everything done.  So there is no need to panic.   I will have to remember to take it one day at a time.  Hopefully we’ll be ready by the time the babies make their way into this world.

My Time Off

Today is the fifth day of my Christmas break.  I am glad that I am not in the office.

Things were interesting in the office the last couple of weeks.  After the most recent loss, some days felt worse off than others.  When that happened, I often stayed in my office and avoided social interactions.  Even one of my male coworkers noticed.  One day he saw me in the kitchen heating up my lunch and asked me how I was doing.  I told him, “I am not doing too well, but it’s okay.”  He had a concerned look on his face, not at all awkward that I gave him an answer that went outside of the usual pleasantries.  I told him that it was just life.  Then I walked back to my office with my hot lunch.

And then there was my supervisor’s baby shower.  The day before the baby shower, my no-longer-pregnant coworker (the one who always talked about her pregnancy) came by my office and asked if I was going to the baby shower.  I told her I wasn’t, just like what I did for her shower.  I told her that I’d give my supervisor a separate gift afterward, but I wasn’t planning on being there.  No-longer-pregnant coworker then said, “I have a favor to ask you.”  She handed me a piece of paper titled “Wishes for Baby”, one of those baby shower games for people to fill out their wishes for the baby.  She said no pressure.  I could fill it out or I could just toss it in the recycling bin.  I was honest with her.  I told her that I most likely wouldn’t fill it out.  I took it and left it on my desk.  I just wonder if no-longer-pregnant coworker really thought about my feelings.  If I wasn’t going to attend the baby shower, would I actually want to participate in a game?  The piece of paper ended in the recycling bin.

The day of the baby shower, my friend Q, who was supposed to be my lunch date, totally forgot that she was supposed to have lunch with me.  So at noon, I walked over to Pane.ra Bread and had lunch by myself.  I did make it back at 1pm just in case we had a department meeting.  Well the shower was still going on.  Being so close to the conference room, I could hear all the laughing inside.  The baby shower continued on until 2pm, a total of two hours.  I had prepared a gift for my supervisor.  I gave it to her right after my last client of the day.  I didn’t want to do it in her office since it’s very close to other people’s offices.  When she came out of the bathroom, I waved her my way.  She was babbling about some work stuff while she entered in my room.  All I wanted to do was to get this part over with.  While she was still talking shop, I handed her my gift.  She was surprised and happy.  I didn’t do much of an explanation like the last time with my other pregnant coworker.  I simply just said, “I don’t go to baby showers but I wanted to give you this.”  It was a gift that she had on her registry.  She gave me a big hug so that was nice.

My last day of work was last Friday.  It was also my supervisor’s last day of work before her maternity leave.  Our work holiday party was that night.  A few weeks prior, before my beta, my Dear Colleague and I joked about me going to the party being the designated driver for Bob because I would be pregnant and would be forbidden to drink.  Well, for somebody who had gone to every single work holiday party in the last 12 years, I just did not feel like going to our work party, socializing, and talking about things that don’t matter to me when deep down my heart just died a little after the last cycle.  But I knew I wanted to say my good-byes to my supervisor.  Right before I left work, I looked for her and found her in the copy room.  I went in and said my good-byes.  She was surprised that I wasn’t going to attend the party.  I told her that I didn’t feel like socializing.  We chatted a little about how she was doing and what she’d do before the baby comes.  We hugged each other and that was it.  Yesterday when I chatted with my Dear Colleague, she told me that my supervisor wondered aloud to a small group of people at the holiday party about me.  She said something like, “I am worried about Isabelle… I wonder how she’s doing.”  My Dear Colleague just pretended that she didn’t hear it.  But I think that maybe my looks and my demeanor recently did show that I wasn’t doing too well in the last few weeks.

Yesterday, Dr. Gentle, the OB/GYN surgeon who did my last hysteroscopy, squeezed me in for a saline sonogram.  Dr No Nonsense had told me to get a hysteroscopy again to check the cavity.  I emailed my own OB/GYN who said that she doesn’t do it in her practice.  She referred me to the surgical team.  I knew that it would take forever before I could get an appointment if I went through the scheduling people.  So I emailed Dr. Gentle directly.  She is really the nicest doctor ever.  She wrote me back saying that she didn’t have availability for a hysteroscopy this week, but she could see me for a saline sonogram, which to her is a better way to look at the whole system right before a transfer.  I got the Okay from Dr. NN’s nurse.  Dr. Gentle wanted to see me this week because it is best to look at the uterus right after menses for the lining is usually thin.  This time I had to wait 30 minutes as Dr. Gentle was running behind.  She came in with another doctor probably in training.  They were funny.  They talked shop while getting me ready.  Apparently my cervix was wide and they couldn’t distend my cavity without clipping my cervix and placing a balloon inside.  It was uncomfortable but nothing intolerable.  Originally they thought that they saw scar tissue that turned out to be the balloon.  Dr. Gentle showed me how the whole cavity and the lining looked nice and smooth.  I got the ultrasound picture as a souvenir.

Staring at the ultrasound photo, I couldn’t help but think that yesterday or the day before would have been our first ultrasound to check the heartbeat.  I would have been 6 weeks 4 days, right when people check their heartbeats in an IVF cycle.  Instead of a little blob inside my uterus with a heartbeat flickering away, my uterus looked sadly empty.  Yes I know it is good news to have a smooth lining.  But it’s still sad to know what could have been.

Emotionally, I had been doing well until yesterday.  All of a sudden, I panicked.  My clinic’s fees will go up in 2016.  I wanted to pay for the frozen embryo transfer before the end of the year for tax return purposes.  The fee schedule I received from my billing person shocked me.  It went up at least $600.  I checked with her.  She said that all the fees are going up beginning January 1st.  I don’t know.  I just panicked.  It’s not very rational.  But, I started searching for a new donor to prepare for the possibility that our FET doesn’t work.  There aren’t too many choices out there.  My mind went really far: the FET not working, another fresh DE transfer not working, we are out of money to try, we will be childless.  Then I came across California Con.ceptions, a clinic that specializes in offering embryos that are made with donor eggs and donor sperms.  The cost is a fraction of what it is with a DE cycle, and the success rate is super high because of double donors.  But is this really what we want to do if all else fails?  I literally sat there for three hours googl.ing, thinking about things, and panicking all by myself.  It was just not healthy, but I couldn’t help myself.

When Bob got home, I was trying to see how I could break the news to him that the fees are going up at our clinic.  I somehow brought that up along with California Con.ceptions.  The talk about double donors made him really upset.  I don’t have to go into details but the sheer panic of not knowing if we would ever have a child we could call our own is really tough on a marriage.  We didn’t have a good evening.  But you know, I think it is necessary to talk about these things, our fears, our concerns, our frustrations.  I am glad we had a chance to do that.

This morning, Bob’s car died when he exited the freeway to get to work.  He just couldn’t accelerate but he was able to pull over the shoulder off the exit.  He said that he lost all power including the steering wheel and the brakes.  My heart about jumped when I got his call because it is never good news when he calls me on his way to work.  He had it towed to our mechanic’s shop.  I am just glad that it happened in the morning and he was safely away from the freeway.  We have been talking about buying a new car but because of the cost of all of our cycles, we have been pushing off purchasing a new car.  Both of our cars are old, so driving the car on our road trip could be a bit dicey.  *sigh*  When we worry about money, there are always more expenses.  However, I am just so thankful that the Lord protected him from any danger on the freeway.  The more I think about it, the more thankful I am.  Also thankfully, Bob is in good spirit.  He is not too down about the car.  He is now working from home and it is good to have him around.

This is my vacation so far.  I will be meeting with one of my best friends for lunch tomorrow, Christmas eve.  Christmas day I will be making steak for dinner.  We leave for our little get away on Saturday.  It’s nice to be able to wake up in the morning not worrying about going to work.  It’s also nice to be able to clean up whenever I want to, do nothing if I want, and basically do whatever I feel like.  I really love this kind of vacation.  I hope that the rest of my time off will be as peaceful and uneventful as possible.

MicroblogMondays: Baby Shower for Pregnant Coworker

Microblog_Mondays

You know, ever since my original pregnant coworker announced her pregnancy, I have been bracing for the possibility of a baby shower at work.  I was lucky that somehow there wasn’t a baby shower for my previous pregnant coworker (although I felt that there should have been one).  I was wondering if my luck would continue with this pregnancy.  I still can’t bring myself to be like my selfless blog friends who celebrate with others by sitting through baby showers smiling and genuinely happy for the future mom.  I still can’t do it despite my heart wondering if I could brave through it at times.  When I returned from Chicago, the dreaded email came: a baby shower at lunch in a couple of weeks (which is going to be tomorrow).  Often times I let my actions be guided by my reaction.  My heart skipped a bit and my mind went all sorts of directions.  This reaction tells you that I am really not ready to smile through a baby shower.  Initially, I was thinking maybe I could force myself to attend.  But then the email said that there would be games and gift opening.  My heart raced even faster…. then I decided that it is going to be too much for me to take.  I had a few choices.  I could simply shut myself in my office and not attend, which is unwise and isolating (my office is only steps away from the lunch room).  Or I could lie about my whereabouts or even make a medical appointment for that day.  But I decided to be honest about it because I am not ashamed of my feelings and experiences.  I want to be as true to myself and others as possible.  Although my pregnant coworker had no clue about my struggles so talking to her would mean exposing myself, I prayed about it and had a plan.  Initially, I was going to chip in for the big gift for her and speak with her privately about why I would not attend her shower.  I thought more about it.  I felt that it would be more genuine and meaningful if I gave her my own gift from her registry and tell her the reason for my absence.  I held my tongue for a few days.  I looked up various possible websites and found her registry.  The day after my procedure, I had that morning off and purchased a gift at Tar.get for her.

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I wrapped it, wrote the card, and brought the gift to work.

On Friday, I knew that she was there already since I saw her pull into the parking lot.  I was careful about it; I made sure with one of my coworkers that the baby shower wasn’t going to be a surprise.  My coworker reassured me that it wasn’t, since people had been talking about it and the potluck sign-up sheet was still posted on the door of the copy room that morning.  I got my morning routine ready.  With the gift in my hands, I took a deep breath and approached pregnant coworker’s office.  I wanted to do it bright and early in the morning so her office neighbors would not be there to eavesdrop (especially my pregnant supervisor whose office is right next door to hers).

I walked into her office and put the gift in front of her.  She had a confused look on her face and asked, “What is this for?”  I said, “For your baby shower.”  She looked even more confused and said, “My baby shower was a month ago and I am now nine months pregnant.”  In that particular moment, I realized that she had no idea about the work baby shower next week!  I went, “Uh oh!” and closed her office door because I didn’t want anybody to know that I broke the news to her.  (Haha)  Then I told her that, Well, there is one for you next week and I thought you knew because the potluck sign-up sheet is there in the copy room. I also confirmed with one coworker before I came in.  She said she knew nothing about it but nicely reassured me that it was okay because she probably wouldn’t remember about it next week given her pregnancy brain these days.  I sat down and gave her my spiel.  This is what I said:

“I just wanted to let you know that I will not be there at your baby shower next week.  I have been struggling to try to have a baby in the past few years.  It is very difficult for me to sit through a baby shower.  So I just want to let you know that I celebrate with you but I won’t be there.”

I was a little choked up when I said the first part (the struggles part) but I pulled myself together.  And I made sure that I did not say “I am sorry” because really, there is nothing to apologize for.

She was so gracious.  She told me that she understands because her sister-in-law who had trouble conceiving was also the same way.  She and I got up and hugged each other, and she kept saying, “You are so sweet.”  I told her that I do want to celebrate with her but just not there at the baby shower.  We went on to talk about her pregnancy and her last couple of weeks at work.  Before I left, we hugged again and she promised to act surprised next week.  🙂

As it turned out, the organizers forgot to remove the potluck sign-up sheet and was forced to disclose to her the plan.  So after all, I am not the bad guy. 🙂

I am so glad that nobody is mad or hurt and the talk went so well. It feels so good to be true to myself and my feelings and at the same time being honest and respectful to others.

I think I will have a nice lunch by myself tomorrow.  Hopefully the sun will cooperate so I can get some Vitamin D.