MicroblogMondays: Imposter

I have been taking an online course aiming at helping women come up with the best business idea for their season of life.  (Eventually I will start bringing in an income again but I will wait to write about it at the appropriate time.)  One of the things that the instructor talks about is imposter syndrome, or a feeling of inadequacy or incompetence, or an utter failure or a fraud for a person’s own ability or accomplishment.  Many people don’t feel that they can or will be able to start a small business to bring in money, or doubt that they are good enough for others to use their service or buy their products.  I don’t actually feel like that with the business idea that I came up with because it is well within my professional field.  But this word “imposter” came to my mind the other day.  I have been attending a weekly bible study with my kids.  I get my me time during discussion with my group of ladies and get fed spiritually with the truths that a teaching leader imparts to us.  The kids get their precious time to learn about God, be loved on by their teachers, and play with their friends.  Last week prior to the lecture, a video was played to us to show the importance of the children’s program to the existence of the adult bible study class.  Afterwards, the lecturer asked all the mothers with little kids in the program to stand up so that the crowd could show their appreciation for their dedication in bringing the kids.  I hesitated for a few seconds before I slowly rose from my seat.  I felt a tiny bit uneasy and didn’t look back at the rest of the people in the sanctuary since I sat quite close to the stage.  The lecture started after that and I went on with my day.  However, during the quiet evening hours when I reflected back various moments of the day, I thought about the moment when I stood up as a mom to my kids and I started analyzing my emotions.  Why did I hesitate and why did I feel uneasy when the leader asked the moms to stand up?  Maybe sometimes I still feel like an imposter.  Not all the time, but sometimes.  I know that my kids are mine and I am their mother.  I love them to the moon and back, and will do anything for them.  BUT, the fact that I didn’t get to carry them or share my genes with them still haunts me.  Not all the time, but it creeps up at moments like this.  At times I do still feel insecure about it and wonder how the kids would feel about their unique history when they are teenagers or adults.  I wonder if my love for them is enough for them to feel secure about their special situation being children born out of the tremendous love I and their dad have for them.  Deep down, at rare moments, I do feel like a fraud, as if someday someone would come and take them away from me because I am not their real mother.  This is all silly talk when I am sane and busy with a beautiful life full of chaos of raising twins, but at times this silly talk is not too silly and consumes me and makes my heart ache for the journey that I had to take in order to become my babies’ mama.  Fortunately, I feel secure as their mother 99% of the time, but when that rare moment comes at an unexpected time, I am almost surprised at having these feelings.  I guess these emotions will probably never completely go away.  

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5 thoughts on “MicroblogMondays: Imposter

  1. I can relate to those feelings that occasionally surface. I think I felt a similar thing when asked to stand at my college graduation for receiving honors. I thought they had maybe made a mistake. You are there caring and bonding and loving; you’re definitely the mommy but I understand how these feelings can surface. I imagine I will feel them too sometimes. Going for donor embryo transfer on Wednesday.

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  2. I can understand you feeling occasionally haunted, as you say, by the fact that you didn’t get to carry your children, or share your genes. But you are undoubtedly their mother. Still, I know that the voices in our heads will attack us where we are most vulnerable. So sending hugs for those feelings.

    But I admit that I also wondered if your discomfort was because you thought about how the other women who aren’t mothers might have felt? The ones who will never be or have never been mothers, and the ones who desperately want to be mothers but haven’t become mothers yet. Knowing the efforts you’ve always made here to be sensitive, I wouldn’t be surprised if that was behind some of your hesitance too.

    Finally, that course sounds interesting. I suffer from Imposter Syndrome. I really shouldn’t let it stop me.

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  3. I adopted 2 girls from China and I have never really thought or cared that I didn’t “carry” them or give birth to them. In fact, they didn’t come into my life until they were almost 1 year old. I NEVER hesitate to acknowledge that I AM THEIR MOTHER! Why, oh why do you feel like you aren’t quite a mother because of how they came into your life?? Please change that mind set!!

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  4. I understand from my friends, who are faced with infertility and go on to have children, that the discomfort and onslaught of feelings never really goes away. Even though they have their babies, and life is good, sometimes they still feel very much infertile and they still have so much hurt. The hope is, that with time, the wounds become less gaping and it becomes easier to bear.

    Be gentle with yourself and take care!

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  5. I can understand these feelings. Not so much will Bella but with M. I’m the only Mama she knows and we’ve had her since she was 2 days old, but every day, week, month they wait to file for TPR, the heavier this weight on my chest feels. What if something happens? What if for some odd reason, our adoption home study doesn’t go well even though we’ve done them before? What if they take Bella’s sissy from us? I don’t know how any of us would cope? Hang in there, Mama. I hope as time goes on, those feelings happen less and less for you.

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