My grandma passed away yesterday.
This was my mom’s mom. My brother was the first grandchild in the family and this grandma took care of him the first few years of his life while my mom was at work. The two of them had a close bond that none of us subsequent grandchildren had. I grew up with my paternal grandmother instead. My maternal grandmother had a stroke not too long ago and was becoming very sick. I never developed the closeness with her like my brother did, but knowing that the end of her life was near, I desperately wanted to let her know that her great grand-babies would be coming later this year.
Because of how sick my grandma was, my brother flew to Asia to spend time with her. That was the day after our 8 weeks 5 days scan. I had given him the task of sharing our pregnancy news with grandma if her recovery from her stroke allowed her to understand his message. My brother and I spoke on the phone after he arrived and visited with her. She was simply not lucid enough to have a meaningful conversation at that point with him. I told him to tell her if he found a good time. After we hung up, I broke into tears.
Since then, my heart would skip a beat whenever the phone rang or a text message came. I was afraid that it would be bad news about my grandma. Saturday night while I was having a good time at a friend’s birthday party, I was totally unaware of my grandma being at the end of her life. My mom’s text in the middle of the night revealed that grandma breathed her last breath on earth and had passed. I woke up in the middle of the night and saw the message. The initial calmness was followed by incredible sorrow in my heart. Tears kept coming down while I lay in the dark. It felt like a part of me had left with the death of my grandmother. When she was pregnant with my mom, the egg that made me was already formed inside my mom as a fetus in my grandma’s womb. How amazing life is that I originated from her. And now she has left permanently from this earth, my heart is broken. I cried uncontrollably at various times yesterday thinking about her and how her life ended.
Grandma and I don’t have anymore time on this earth together. Last October when I visited was the last time I saw her. My brother encouraged me saying that instead of being sad about not being able to see her again, I should feel comforted that we did spend time together not too long ago. But to me, it’s too late now as our babies will never meet their great grandmother. She had no knowledge of them while she was still on earth. Infertility has robbed us of many things. If we had been able to get pregnant earlier, then my grandma would have had a chance to meet our child(ren) or to have the joy of knowing their existence. This lost opportunity highlights how unfair this journey could be. Many things on this earth are beyond our control, especially life (creating a baby) and death (loved one’s passing). I know I will eventually be okay, but today I mourn the loss of my grandmother and the impossibility of my children being in the embrace of their maternal great grandmother.