Triggers come at any time, and not always when we expect it.
I hadn’t teared up about our situation in quite some time. Not when I saw all the babies and kids at my work’s preschool class’ Christmas performance. Not when my once-again-pregnant coworker loudly declared to everyone in the hall that she isn’t going to find out the sex of her second baby. Not even when we were told last week that the company that tests the epigenetic information of Bob’s sper.m would need an extra two weeks on top of the three week that they had promised to give us the results of the sperm test, which meant that we might once again have to decide if we wanted to postpone the January yet again. And also not when the scenes of pregnancy and birth showed up while we were watching the TV show Parentho.od.
I expected to shed a tear or two, but I didn’t.
This is why triggers are so crazy. They just come unannounced and when you are not prepared.
Bob has had his green card for a few years and has been eligible to apply for citizenship for a couple of years already. He had been putting off working on his application for a long time until yesterday afternoon. One of the questions on the application was about how many children he has. This was an extremely easy question to answer and required no effort on his part because he simply has zero living children. He got to skip all the information that he could have had to fill out because there was nowhere on the form that allowed you to tell about those ones that didn’t make it alive to this world.
As I sat across from him and listened to him joke about how easy it was to fill out this part, I started to feel the weight of this question. A marriage of 5.5 years. Nothing to show for. Not even one living child. And it was not for the lack of trying. We have practically done almost every single type of treatment maybe except for donated embryos. At that point, sadness came over me. My eyes were warm with the tears that were about to shed. It came as a surprise. It was just some application asking some common questions. I wasn’t even the one who had to answer the question. But it just amplified the helplessness of the situation. Children come so easy for many who have had to answer this question, but not to us. All those other situations I mentioned about didn’t make me cry, but this one did. There is no rhyme or reason.
That’s the thing about this journey. No rhyme or reason. You just have to take the challenges as they come. And it’s okay to shed a few tears.