MicroblogMondays: Trigger

Microblog_Mondays

Triggers come at any time, and not always when we expect it.

I hadn’t teared up about our situation in quite some time.  Not when I saw all the babies and kids at my work’s preschool class’ Christmas performance.  Not when my once-again-pregnant coworker loudly declared to everyone in the hall that she isn’t going to find out the sex of her second baby.  Not even when we were told last week that the company that tests the epigenetic information of Bob’s sper.m would need an extra two weeks on top of the three week that they had promised to give us the results of the sperm test, which meant that we might once again have to decide if we wanted to postpone the January yet again.  And also not when the scenes of pregnancy and birth showed up while we were watching the TV show Parentho.od.

I expected to shed a tear or two, but I didn’t.

This is why triggers are so crazy.  They just come unannounced and when you are not prepared.

Bob has had his green card for a few years and has been eligible to apply for citizenship for a couple of years already.   He had been putting off working on his application for a long time until yesterday afternoon.  One of the questions on the application was about how many children he has.  This was an extremely easy question to answer and required no effort on his part because he simply has zero living children.  He got to skip all the information that he could have had to fill out because there was nowhere on the form that allowed you to tell about those ones that didn’t make it alive to this world.

As I sat across from him and listened to him joke about how easy it was to fill out this part, I started to feel the weight of this question.  A marriage of 5.5 years.  Nothing to show for.  Not even one living child.  And it was not for the lack of trying.  We have practically done almost every single type of treatment maybe except for donated embryos.  At that point, sadness came over me.  My eyes were warm with the tears that were about to shed.  It came as a surprise.  It was just some application asking some common questions.  I wasn’t even the one who had to answer the question.  But it just amplified the helplessness of the situation.  Children come so easy for many who have had to answer this question, but not to us.  All those other situations I mentioned about didn’t make me cry, but this one did.  There is no rhyme or reason.

That’s the thing about this journey.  No rhyme or reason.  You just have to take the challenges as they come.  And it’s okay to shed a few tears.

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21 thoughts on “MicroblogMondays: Trigger

  1. “There was nowhere on the form that allowed you to tell about those ones that didn’t make it alive to this world”. This is beautiful poignant writing. Hugs to you. Try not to think about what you don’t have to show for it, as that can only bring sadness – I try not to think that I’ve been with my hub nearly 20 years and could have done lots of things earlier on (in my case), but didn’t, because I’d go mad. Thoughts are with you.

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  2. Oh, dear friend, so much more to your marriage than babies ❤ And I'll say what I've said before: things don't change until they change. Feel the feels, count your blessings, and have faith!

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  3. Triggers are the worst, and have the power to completely destroy a moment. Your post spoke so loudly to me, as I have been struggling more than usual lately and was recently launched into a full day of depression for something really small. There is just no predictability and no guidance that can take the edge off of infertility.

    Sending hugs. Take care of yourself.

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  4. It is okay (and healthy) to shed those tears. I get this. My trigger recently was watching a teacher walk by holding his toddler who was sleeping on his shoulder. Zillions of babies around me, and I barely notice. Man who is holding a baby while speaking to all of us? My heart broke. No rhyme or reason except the heart feels what the heart feels.

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  5. Big hugs… I believe that God wouldn’t give you the desire to build a family if you were never meant to. I’m still praying and believing for you. You’ve got a beautiful marriage and you have so many years of love to show for it.

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  6. It is indeed okay to shed a few tears. But you know, you’ve been married for 5.5 years, and whilst there might be no children yet, you have got plenty to show for it. Every day your bond together is stronger, you’ve been through tough times and you’ve survived and coped with them, you’ve grown in wisdom and compassion, you have friends here you’ve never met, you’ve developed your relationships with extended family, etc etc. Those 5.5 years are something to be proud of, and to cherish.

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  7. Oh, so much love to you as you shed those tears. They are triggers because they catch you by surprise and dredge up all the accumulated grief and loss from those 5.5 years. You can be happy for all that you have and all that you’ve learned through this difficult journey, but it is perfectly understandable to be triggered by that question and not any of the other things that might seem like they would serve as triggers. For me, filling out out gynecologist paperwork for my annual, where you list pregnancies and then put that big old ZERO for births/children, and list out all the many procedures that have led to those tiny numbers and big fat zero…sometimes it really gets me, and sometimes it’s just a twinge, and I never know when it’s going to be the deluge. I’m sorry for your triggered moment, I’m sorry for all the grief and disbelief that this is where you are after all the time. I’m not in your particular shoes, everyone’s have a slightly different tread and wear and tear on them, but I can empathize with this moment and I hug you across the internet.

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