MicroblogMondays: Trust During Delays

Last week was a tough week.  Actually, this season has been a very difficult season.  After our last failed transfer, Dr. E suggested adding Lup.ron to the mix for our next transfer.  It may or may not help, but the theory is that it may help change the uterine environment for implantation.  My jaw completely dropped when the pharmacy staff told me that this drug now costs $500, which is $300 more than I last paid for it less than a year ago.  On top of that, Annie would have to have an extra scan prior to starting the injection.  I was super stressed out about the extra cost.  My husband is wonderful.  He told me that this was not worth fretting over.  If there was even a slight chance that Lup.ron may help, then just do it without thinking too much about it.  Annie had a beautiful scan prior to Lup.ron.  Quiet ovaries and uterus.  I thought that we were on track for our next transfer scheduled for December 19th.  A few days after her last scan, Annie stopped her birth control pills and went in for a baseline ultrasound before she started Es.trace to build the lining.  At that ultrasound, it was discovered that she had a cyst.  I just couldn’t believe it.  My mind was all set for the December transfer.  In fact, Bob and I were both going to take the last two weeks of December off and hang out with Annie and Kenneth around transfer time during the first week of our vacation.  So now with the cyst comes delays.  This is the story of our fertility journey.  In the last five years, there has been more delays than we can count.  So instead of transferring our two embryos on December 19th and having our first beta before the end of the year, we’ll have to wait until January 9th.  Annie has gone back to birth control pills for about ten days before she checks on her estrogen level to see if the cyst is gone.  If so, we’ll be on track for the January transfer.  If not, then we will have even more delays.

Maybe this delay doesn’t seem like much to you.  It’s a matter of just weeks.  But somehow it made me super depressed last week.  We started our journey for our baby in January 2012.  December marks the end of the 5th year.  I was so hoping to wrap up the year with the good news that we will finally have our bab(ies) in 2017.  Instead of that, our future will still be unknown on December 31, 2016.

Last Wednesday I woke up feeling down.  You know, I usually pray for peace.  But that morning I didn’t have peace.  I didn’t understand why the sudden blues.  Later on, I realized the potential reason for my emotional state.  Last Wednesday was November 30.  It was supposed to be our heartbeat ultrasound for Mira, our lost embryo, if the implantation was strong and the pregnancy had continued until 7 weeks.  Instead of complaining about the cold weather in Annie’s home state on that day, I was very cozy in my San Francisco office staring at some ultrasound photos on Fac.ebook posted by another lady whose gestational carrier transferred two embryos a few days after our transfer.  This lady is now expecting twins.  Similar stories.  Different outcomes.  No wonder I was down as my subconscious mind remembered the ultrasound we didn’t get to attend.

This delay of our transfer til January has also made it difficult for me to deal with pregnant ladies and pregnancy announcements.  My original pregnant coworker is pregnant again.  Her son is now 16 months old.  Number two is going to arrive in three months.  She continues to be one of those expectant moms that loves to talk about her pregnancy all the time on top of talking about her kiddo.  Her bump has not bothered me much until last Wednesday.   Last week, several friends of mine announced their pregnancies with number two.  They all struggled with conceiving their first.  So of course it is good news that they didn’t struggle with number two.  However, I couldn’t help but feel down about their second pregnancies while we struggle to even have one.

God is good though.  Although I struggled, He spoke to me through my daily devotion.  Bible study for the last two weeks was on John chapters 7 and 8.  Both chapters talk repeatedly about God’s perfect timing.  The Jewish leaders wanted to seize Jesus but couldn’t because it was not yet the time ordained by God.  As I read and studied those chapters, God was telling me gently that my time has not yet come as His timing is perfect.  He is teaching me and Bob to trust Him completely.  We are to continue to wait expectantly and patiently.  It is a difficult lesson to learn and it takes time to digest.  But at the very least, I have processed my disappointment, am surrendering my control, and continue to try to live in God’s presence.

I am super grateful for Annie and Kenneth though.  They are true angels who are selfless and have our best interest at heart.  When I mentioned that we started our journey in January 2012, Annie encouraged me by saying, “Started in January and end in January 🙂 “.  My husband is very encouraging as well.  When I feel apprehensive about the next transfer, Bob told me to view our next transfer as a necessary next step for us to reach our bab(ies) regardless of the outcome.  So let’s not look at it as an end if it doesn’t turn out the way we want.  He said that in God’s timing, we will find a way to become parents.

May we find a way to completely trust in that.