Last Friday marked the day after we confirmed that our 5th transfer has failed. The feeling is so familiar yet different. We are used to failure. It is a sad thing to say, but we are. We know how to handle ourselves when it comes to failed transfers. We know that we will be sad and devastated for a bit and we will be over it. And we will move forward again. But then, this time is also so different. We have given this transfer the best embryo with the best grade and score and the best uterus that we could provide ever. It was supposed to be a foolproof formula.
But it wasn’t.
I can’t begin to express my gratitude for having Jesus in my heart. Without Jesus, I don’t know where my hope would lie. But like one of my readers said, it is okay to be sad. And I was sad. At one point, I had fear and doubt in my head and my heart. December is the end of the 5th year of our journey. It was highly possible and probable that by the end of the year, we would be expecting a miracle in 2017. Except that it didn’t happen. And I was wondering if this is God’s message to me that a child is not in our future. But I decided to once again not jump to conclusion as God is the only one who knows His plan. This is the time for me and Bob to exercise our trust and faith in Him, knowing that regardless of the outcome of our quest, He is going to provide for us.
With that understanding, I tried what I could to take care of myself.
Fortunately, Friday was Veteran’s day. It was a day off for me. I opened my eyes with peace in my heart. I am always thankful for the peace and strength that God gives me, as it is not a given and is not something that I take for granted. In my pajamas, I made south Indian filtered coffee, sat there, and wrote my last blog post without even brushing my teeth or washing my face. I just needed that quiet, alone space to feel and to let everything sink in. Order in my life always makes me feel better. After a couple of hours of chores cleaning the floor, changing the bedsheets, and tidying up any mess, I felt more control about the situation again. That evening, Bob and I spent time with some of our best friends. Their kids are our favorite kids. Just enjoying the time with them brought about tremendous healing.
This is what self care is all about. Being aware of what makes you happy and doing it.
I just started watching the show “Parenthood” on Netf.lix. In one of the episodes, the younger brother, a playboy, just discovered that he had a son with an old fling. He went to seek the advice from his older brother who happened to be a family man with two children. He asked his older brother about having children,
“What makes all of it worth it?”
His brother said, “What makes it worth it is the connection. It’s a bond you feel. They are yours, you know. You are part of them.”
I so long for this connection, this bond that I will have with my future child. Regardless of the genetic links or who is going to carry the baby, my child is going to be mine. He/she is going to be part of me and I am going to be a part of him/her.
It is all going to be worth it.