I really thought that I would be writing a happy post.
But beta only came back at 9.
I honestly do not understand.
We transferred the best embryo. We had the best lining. Annie’s progesterone level was out of this world.
And yet, beta is only 9.
And we had drama too. Annie did her blood draw at one lab, but it doesn’t do STAT. So she had to go to another lab for a second draw. Dr. E didn’t get the results until 4pm.
When I heard her voice on the phone, I knew. She said the results were bittersweet. She didn’t even tell me what the number was until later. She just asked what time Annie went to get her blood draw done. She had hoped that it was at the crack of dawn when it was done. It was at 10 something.
I was calm. We discussed what to do with the meds. I decided to continue with the meds and see what happens on Thursday. I know the chances are very low. But Max is still a life. And I want to give this life the best chance before we stop.
My mind went really far. Is it a sperm problem? Sperm seems to be the common denominator of all the embryos and the transfers. If so, what does it mean? After we transfer all the embryos and they don’t work, is this it for us? Am I not going to be a mom who will hold a live baby?
Probably not the best time to think about these things. But the fears do creep in.
We spoke about the possibility of transferring two embryos next time. We talked about which ones to transfer. Since I don’t want to know the sex, Dr. E was wondering if I wanted to transfer the same sex or two different ones. I could make a choice, or I could let her choose.
At this point, I don’t care. Just give me a baby.
She also may prepare Annie’s lining differently next time. So instead of transferring the next cycle, we may do a transfer in five weeks.
We hung up. Bob and I spoke on the phone. We were both calm. Probably just numb.
Annie and I also chatted after she and Dr. E got off the phone. She was feeling so sorry. I told her to remember it has nothing to do with what she did or didn’t do.
If it is not God’s timing, then it is not God’s timing. His plan is perfect, but it is very hard to swallow failure.
Annie is wonderful. If the results aren’t good on Thursday, she is willing to do whatever I ask her to do. She will transfer whenever and she will transfer two if we would like.
I was calm and numb until I was driving home. I started praying and telling God how difficult it is for me to praise Him in this situation, but I will still do so. I started crying and asking him how much more I will have to surrender to Him and how much more faith and courage we will have to have before we are given this precious gift of a baby. I cried and I cried. This is such a familiar feeling of failing something that you have absolutely no control over.
I asked God to give us a miracle on Thursday because only He can do it. But if this is not meant to be, I asked Him not to make the beta rise.
If this is not a viable pregnancy, this would be our fifth failed transfer. How much more can we take?
A friend’s friend who used a surrogate also had two chemical pregnancies with her tested embryos before she got her baby. I know it happens. I just didn’t think that we again fall on the wrong side of statistics.
Dr. E said that it is heartbreaking, unfair, and hard to understand. But even strong normal embryos don’t implant or don’t implant well.
How much longer before we will hold our baby?
Only God has an answer.