I Hate To Be Writing This Post

I really thought that I would be writing a happy post.

But beta only came back at 9.

I honestly do not understand.

We transferred the best embryo.  We had the best lining.  Annie’s progesterone level was out of this world.

And yet, beta is only 9.

And we had drama too.  Annie did her blood draw at one lab, but it doesn’t do STAT.  So she had to go to another lab for a second draw.   Dr. E didn’t get the results until 4pm.

When I heard her voice on the phone, I knew.  She said the results were bittersweet.  She didn’t even tell me what the number was until later.  She just asked what time Annie went to get her blood draw done.  She had hoped that it was at the crack of dawn when it was done.  It was at 10 something.

I was calm.  We discussed what to do with the meds.  I decided to continue with the meds and see what happens on Thursday.  I know the chances are very low. But Max is still a life.  And I want to give this life the best chance before we stop.

My mind went really far.  Is it a sperm problem?  Sperm seems to be the common denominator of all the embryos and the transfers.  If so, what does it mean?  After we transfer all the embryos and they don’t work, is this it for us?  Am I not going to be a mom who will hold a live baby?

Probably not the best time to think about these things.  But the fears do creep in.

We spoke about the possibility of transferring two embryos next time.  We talked about which ones to transfer.  Since I don’t want to know the sex, Dr. E was wondering if I wanted to transfer the same sex or two different ones.  I could make a choice, or I could let her choose.

At this point, I don’t care.  Just give me a baby.

She also may prepare Annie’s lining differently next time.  So instead of transferring the next cycle, we may do a transfer in five weeks.

We hung up.  Bob and I spoke on the phone.  We were both calm.  Probably just numb.

Annie and I also chatted after she and Dr. E got off the phone.  She was feeling so sorry.  I told her to remember it has nothing to do with what she did or didn’t do.

If it is not God’s timing, then it is not God’s timing.  His plan is perfect, but it is very hard to swallow failure.

Annie is wonderful.  If the results aren’t good on Thursday, she is willing to do whatever I ask her to do.  She will transfer whenever and she will transfer two if we would like.

I was calm and numb until I was driving home.  I started praying and telling God how difficult it is for me to praise Him in this situation, but I will still do so.  I started crying and asking him how much more I will have to surrender to Him and how much more faith and courage we will have to have before we are given this precious gift of a baby.  I cried and I cried.  This is such a familiar feeling of failing something that you have absolutely no control over.

I asked God to give us a miracle on Thursday because only He can do it.  But if this is not meant to be, I asked Him not to make the beta rise.

If this is not a viable pregnancy, this would be our fifth failed transfer.  How much more can we take?

A friend’s friend who used a surrogate also had two chemical pregnancies with her tested embryos before she got her baby.  I know it happens.  I just didn’t think that we again fall on the wrong side of statistics.

Dr. E said that it is heartbreaking, unfair, and hard to understand.  But even strong normal embryos don’t implant or don’t implant well.

*sigh*

How much longer before we will hold our baby?

Only God has an answer.

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40 thoughts on “I Hate To Be Writing This Post

  1. Oh my friend, I am so sorry that today’s news wasn’t what you were hoping for. I hope that Thursday’s news will be better. Either way, sending you and Bob lots of LOVE!!!

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  2. Even with perfect embryos, great uterus and so on, it’s always at best a flip of a coin. You are really close and you have more chances, which is great. This could be a hiccup on your way there. I believe it is.
    It sucks and makes you sad and angry and feel it’s unfair, which it is. But it is not the end. Hugs!

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  3. Pingback: So Happy Yet So Sad – Dreaming of Diapers

  4. I’m a long time reader of your blog even though I don’t comment. So sorry to hear your news. I really think even in the best situations, world over there seems to only be about a 40% sucess rate. More than likely just really bad luck and one of those blasts will be your baby.
    Your both so strong!!! Five weeks will fly by and you can try again. Must be so frustrating, but you never lose hope and cope with such dignity. Got everything crossed for you guys, sending postive vibes out for you.

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  5. Sending you lots of love and continuing to pray. I am hoping that against all odds that Max is a late implanter and that you have a great doubling number tomorrow. But if that is not the case then I pray so badly for the next cycle. I too believe you will have your baby hon. So many hugs. ❤️

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  6. Oh no I’m so sorry. Even with the 100% perfect situation, some embryos just are not meant to be. Fingers crossed that Max is just a little slow in implanting. I wouldn’t jump to the conclusion that it is a sperm issue just yet and hopefully you guys can turn around with another transfer fairly soon. HUGS.

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  7. Let us not become weary in doing good, for at the proper time we will reap a harvest if we do not give up.

    Love to you. This journey is so very hard. You will be an incredible mother. Hang in there. Prayers for Max to double.

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  8. Darling, dear, sweet soul. Okay. You are here. I was in a similar-ish situation when I had my sixth miscarriage in that I thought I had finally reached the end, I thought I was certainly going to have a baby, and when news came that I had miscarried a normal karyotype boy, with donor egg, I just did not know what to think, how to feel. I felt that instead of reaching the beginning , I had reached the end. But no. It was the next pregnancy that became our son. I see you on this path and how you absolutely triumph at every turn. You are a force. A force of good, a force of love, a source of faith, and you always, always move forward. I’m upset, amazed, angry that you have to endure more, but you got this. I see you, hear you—and you just got this, love. Keep doing all the things you are doing. I know you will. I’m out here thinking of you and believing one thousand percent in your dream. Sending all my love.

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  9. I found your blog through Dreaming of Diapers. My friend, I’ve been there. Years and years of being there. I’m truly sorry and my thoughts and prayers are with you, your husband and Annie. I also have DOR, a damaged uterus, used an egg donor and a GC. I hope that if you do need another transfer, that you will finally see joy. Hold on to the hope, even in the moments where that seems impossible. Sending love.

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  10. I don’t know how you find words in a time like this. I am so sorry for this stress and sadness and terrible misfortune. I hope things look brighter today or as you say, just don’t drag on unnecessarily if this is not your time.

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