This is nothing new. I make a wish for a baby on every single one of my birthday in the last few years. Every single time the outcome is the same: another year has passed without a baby. People often tell me that I am one step closer to our baby, but new challenges and unforeseen circumstances often make me feel like we are farther and farther away from achieving that.
I turned 42 yesterday. I have never imagined myself not being a mother with a baby/child in my arms on my 42nd birthday. This is my reality and I have accepted it. Bob had planned a nice and low key day for me. Church, massage, and a nice dinner. When I was still at church, Dr. E emailed me with this information: our donor is available to donate to us until September 6th. After that, she won’t be available anymore. So there is a deadline for us to figure out the other part of the equation: the sperm. We have an appointment with a urologist on Thursday. We will figure out at that time if we could proceed with a cycle end of August. I won’t go into details about the discussion with Bob at his request. But let me just say that depending on the results of the consultation on Thursday, we may have to delay our cycle until the end of the year because of certain treatment. If that’s the case, then we won’t be able to work with this donor unless we want to freeze her eggs instead of fertilizing them right away.
It sucks that every single step we take is a roadblock. First my eggs. Then my uterus. After that, the sperm. And now the donor’s availability has a deadline.
Despite getting discouraging news on my birthday, I am proud of us for being able to get over the disappointment of having one more thing to worry about. I was determined to not let it get me down. So our day went as planned: special lunch that my mother-in-law made for me and a relaxing massage followed by a stellar dinner. Everything at dinner was perfect. My time with Bob, our conversation, the attentive service of our server, the selection, the wine, the apple bacon beignet, the perfect pork chop, the steak, the mushrooms, the dark chocolate bread pudding, and the salted caramel ice cream in our dessert.
There is no guarantee that I won’t go crazy and get very stressed and anxious about our situation tomorrow. But right now, I feel blessed that we have the ability to enjoy each other’s company despite our less than desirable circumstances.
We still believe that God has a plan for us. His plan is not always the easiest. But we know that it is always the best. I just want our head knowledge to align with our hearts’ response. We are trying our best to be okay with the unknown. And things could still turn out fine. We could still have a baby in a year.
And we have each other. That’s the most important thing. And it is comforting to hold onto this truth on my 42nd birthday.