Word Press notified me that today is the third anniversary of this blog.
Oh yes. This blog began right when we were about to start our first IVF cycle. Fellow bloggers who started at around the same time come and go, and some are moving on to their second child. Just like any other bloggers who write about infertility, I was hopeful that IVF would work and I wouldn’t be here writing a blog post on my third anniversary waiting to make a huge decision about the next step to bring home our baby.
After 8 IVF cycles that resulted in 7 retrievals and two transfers with embryos that were made with my own eggs, we had one chemical pregnancy. In July 2014, I began to grieve the loss of a genetic link with my future babies. In March 2015, we officially closed the chapter of treatment with my own eggs and moved forward to donor eggs. But, egg donation is no silver bullet. The careful selection of frozen eggs from a proven donor did not help us with a baby in our arms. Instead, we were devastated by yet another chemical pregnancy as well as negative results with our last DE transfer.
But I had always had hope and faith that all I needed was eggs and embryos from a fresh cycle with a proven donor, as I always believed that I had a “perfect” uterus. I have had no problems growing my lining. Although I had a history of uterine fibroids, no one had told me that my uterus could possibly be the reason why we don’t get pregnant.
I thought that relinquishing the genetic connection with my offspring was difficult. However, to me, being told that your uterus is the problem is exponentially more crushing than the need of using donor eggs. My dream of feeling a baby grow inside of me is replaced by the fear and worry of potential risks and complications one may have associated with my uterine condition.
So here we are, on this blog’s third anniversary, we find ourselves at this crossroad once again. We have been in that place many times. All the uncertainties we have experienced in the past few years would probably make an interesting book. Although we don’t know how and when we will get our child(ren), we know that both of us have the strong desires to move forward and try our best to achieve that. Surrogacy is being looked into. We are in line for our donor’s next donation cycle. My therapist has been helping me sort through my confused mind. Infertility didn’t pull me and Bob apart. In fact, we are stronger as a couple. Does it mean that we don’t have our weak moments? Not at all. We struggle emotionally and sometimes spiritually as we navigate our next steps. Does it mean that we are not tired of this process? This season has probably been the most fatiguing emotionally and mentally. But both of us are completely committed to bringing home a child. My dear husband talks about our future child on a daily basis, just like three years ago.
Although this journey sucks, we are hopeful that somehow some time in the near future, our child will come into our life.
Thank you for following this journey in the last few years, and hopefully you will be there to witness it when our child finds his/her way to us.