MicroblogMondays: Baby Clothes

Microblog_Mondays

My mom has been back to the States from overseas since March.  She is an expert in sewing, knitting, and crocheting.  I would usually hang out at the kitchen counter sitting with my laptop doing various things when I am home.  I often hear my mom’s footsteps coming up the stairs from her bedroom and her mumbling about showing something to me.  Every single time it is a new sweater that she has been knitting for someone else’s babies.  The wives of my younger male cousins overseas who are expecting.  Her friend’s niece.  Anyone, but me.  In the last two months, she has repeatedly shown me these adorable baby sweaters at various stages of production.  Some pink, some rainbow colors, some blue, some green.  All adorable.  Sometimes only the back side has been done.  Sometimes missing just the sleeves.  Sometimes the whole finished product.  How do I feel?  I don’t always feel good when she shows me baby sweaters.  But then, I remember there was one time in the past, probably a year ago, when I told her that I didn’t want to see what baby sweater she was knitting.  My mom is a wonderful and caring person, but she does not understand my feelings of not wanting to put myself in that situation, to be vulnerable and sad when I see her thoughtful, precious gifts to everyone else’s babies but mine.  I tried to explain to her that seeing these sweaters made me sad, but from her reaction, I don’t think she understood.  After that one time, I decided that she would probably never understand my feelings.  I decided to let it go.  If she wants to show me baby sweaters that she’s been knitting for other people’s babies, then I’d let her.  This is exactly what I have been doing.  So these past two months, I have been smiling at her and telling her that the sweaters are adorable.  It does hurt that my mom doesn’t get my feelings, but since she is my mom and it’s not a given that she’d understand my feelings, I decided to let that go too.  It is just hard for my mom, someone who never had any problems conceiving, to comprehend the pain and the sense of loss of not being able to see grandma’s handiwork on my own baby.

This sense of loss is not only felt whenever my mother shows me baby sweaters.  I actually feel it daily when I walk through my garage to go back to my house.  After I park my car, I would walk by boxes of stuff we have stored in the garage.  I would look up and see these diaper boxes.  Inside the boxes aren’t diapers.  There are actually pieces of children’s clothes that one of my best friends gave me even before we started trying for a baby.  About seven years ago, she gave birth to her second and last child.  She separated the clothes of her older son and her baby girl into genders and ages.  She washed them and packed them in boxes that were clearly labeled with “boy”, “girl”, and the age.  These boxes have been sitting in the garage gathering dust for the last six years.  A year after we started trying, another friend of ours was going to give birth to her second child.  She contacted me and asked if she could take the box of newborn clothes for now.  She promised to wash and return the baby clothes to us when it is our turn.  Three and a half years later, our turn still has not come.  I never heard back from that friend.  We have lost touched since she gave birth to her third child.  I never saw that box of newborn clothes anymore.  But the rest of the clothes, up to boy age 5, are still sitting in my garage waiting for someone to make good use of them.

I guess my point is, even though the sight of my mom’s baby sweaters that she makes for someone else, or the sight of the boxes of baby clothes that my friend gave me brings me sadness and pain at times, I am not going to avoid them just because I don’t have a child right now.  “Not yet” does not mean “never”.  I do believe that one day my mom will be knitting my baby the most adorable sweaters a grandma would make, and my friend’s baby clothes will see the light of day from those diaper boxes again.

I don’t now how and when my baby will come, but I believe that when he/she comes, my mother will go crazy with her baby clothes sewing and knitting.  I am very sure of that.  For now, I’ll hold onto that vision of me and my mom choosing yarn and fabric for my baby until it becomes a reality.

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10 thoughts on “MicroblogMondays: Baby Clothes

  1. I resonate with this so much. I am very anti-baby anything in my house or storage until I am pregnant. My mom has a small box of clothes from when I was a baby in a box for me, her best friend who had twins still has a basinet and a few baby items she told me she wanted me to have when we first started TTC. I am thankful they are ok keeping them until I need them. I have a few things from when we had foster children that my family gave to me stored away because I know our child could use them but they are tucked deep away in a closet I never use. In those items is a baby blanket, knitted by my grand mother, who I have also watch knit and crochet countless blankets and outfits for other people. I think that is one of the hardest items for me to have. I don’t feel as though I’ve earned it yet and I couldn’t even get it out for my foster children (they honestly came and went to fast to even need an extra blanket) but I hold on to it not being a “never” that I will get to use it.

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  2. These feelings are so hard — that feeling of waiting for “your turn” (a phrase I hate, like there’s logic to “turns” in this arena) while those clothes sit in the diaper boxes, your friend moves on, and your mom just doesn’t get why those baby sweaters would bother you. I have a best friend with three kids, and she started saving clothes for me when she had her second… She’s been slowly giving some of it away, and I don’t blame her. It’s so hard to feel so left behind, hopeful for the day when those clothes and sweaters will be for your child but living in the now where it’s not yet. I am so hopeful for you. May those sweaters be for you, soon.

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  3. A bittersweet post, but I love the end. You’re right, and I hope you find the perfect ball of yarn for her to weave her love into in the future.

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