I had a grand plan of what to write for the Microblog Mondays post. But it went out the window after a fight with Bob.
What I realized is that fights are inevitable, especially when we are faced with one obstacle after another in the last long four years of our infertility journey.
After the news we received last Thursday of the possibility of needing surrogacy, Bob and I have been discussing on and off about the future. It has not been an easy topic to discuss. How does one wrap their mind around possibly needing a 4th party for their reproductive needs after already needing a 3rd party? How many people do we need in order to have a child?
There are so many questions. No clear path.
Do we still go with a donor? What about the agency fee that we already paid? Do we go with donated embryos? Do we transfer in my uterus if we know that there is a chance for serious pregnancy complications? Do we do the surgery? Do we skip the surgery and do the Lup.ron Depot? Do we skip transferring into me all together and just go straight to surrogacy? Do we skip the whole thing and pursue adoption?
We find ourselves at a crossroad constantly. We doubt our choices in the past because they didn’t bring us to where we want to be. We wonder about our future decisions and if we’d choose the right path.
This is painful.
All in all, my husband has been extremely supportive. But he also needs an outlet to release his emotions. Often times the stress of infertility manifests itself in his annoyances in other things in life.
It doesn’t help when I am in general more fragile because of this new development. It is so hard to wrap my mind around losing the ability to carry my own child.
Happy to report that we got over whatever we were fighting about. But I know that it doesn’t matter what we fight about, the stress often comes from the current situation with the unknowns of our fertility journey.
Hopefully after the surgery consultation, we’ll have a clearer picture of what we should do next.
Extra grace, extra understanding, and extra patience are needed for us to get through this rough patch.
We continue to need peace and strength from God. Please keep us in your prayers.