This morning at approximately 7:30am, I will walk into a lab at Kai.ser and get my blood draw for my first beta. The last time I did it at the U.CSF lab and didn’t get a phone call from my nurse until two or three in the afternoon. This time I asked my OB/GYN and found out that she could order STAT for me, the results will come back within one to three hours, and I can either call a nurse over at the OB department or I can check for the results on the Kai.ser website. She also put in an order for my Wednesday beta if this first beta turns out to be positive. I am happy that I control when I check/contact the office for the results rather than waiting for that dreaded phone call from my nurse coordinator at my fertility clinic.
Physically, I have been feeling nothing. Business as usual. No unusual tiredness. No cramps. No soreness of the boobs unless I squeeze it. And I know that this soreness could be from the progesterone. I have been feeling very normal with my energy level and my sleep. Emotionally, I have been the most at peace and calm out of the three transfers in my history. I just feel very covered in prayers. My friends at church, at my bible study, my online groups, and from the blogging world all have been checking on me, thinking about me, and praying for me. No wonder I feel so at peace. Mentally, I just feel that this transfer is not working probably because of 1) my knowledge of the blastocyst’s less than stellar day three status, 2) the lack of physical symptoms (although I know many people don’t feel anything at this point), and 3) my usual sense of failure after getting bad news over and over again on this journey. I think I am partly at peace with it because deep down I feel that it is not working. At the same time, I am hopeful that this embryo from my young donor’s egg could actually work out. The good thing is, I am really not that anxious about it, at least most of the time. When I am anxious, my shoulders hurt, my stomach sinks, and my heart feels heavy. I haven’t had these feelings the majority of the time in the last 12 days. I carry on my life as usual. I have not had any urge to pee on a stick. And surprisingly, none of my friends have asked or urged me to do so. Very unlike the last transfer. They all know that no amount of convincing would make me go anywhere near a pee stick. So nobody knows except for God. And I am fine with it.
I have kept myself busy this past week with social engagements and holiday parties. I would take a walk during lunch and talk to Kevin. I did feel a need to talk to my therapist because of my belief that this transfer wasn’t working. My friend Q urged me to make an appointment but I hesitated because it was last minute. I wrote my therapist, and of course she was all booked. Well, God had His hands on it because the same day, my therapist had a cancelation for the day and time that suited my schedule! That hour of talk with her really helped put me back on the positive frame of mind. A few take home from her: 1) I need to let go of Kevin the embryo’s day three report because that really means nothing and it’s not helpful to hold onto that thought, 2) remind myself to be open and curious about what can happen because this is something Bob and I had never done before, 3) there is no reason to believe that it doesn’t work until proven otherwise, so in the mean time, think positive thoughts about this great embryo and my great uterus and welcome Kevin with warm thoughts, 4) and even if it doesn’t work this time, we have an option (Lucy the frozen embryo) that we can use whenever we are ready. She is very excited that we have two blastocysts to work with, and encourages me to be excited about them too. After talking with her, I have been focusing my thoughts on the possibility of this working. It has been really helpful.
Bob is the best. He talks to Kevin daily. We have “group hugs” as a family of three. He encourages me that if this one doesn’t work out, we still have Lucy. If Lucy doesn’t work out, we’ll move forward and find another donor. We will try until we become parents. He knows that we are ready to be parents but if this doesn’t work for now, it doesn’t mean it won’t work in the future. I know that we both will be very disappointed if this doesn’t work, but we have faith that it will eventually work some day.
I do get Tuesday off (because I have too much vacation time and will lose some if I don’t take time off, and Tuesday is my boss’ baby shower at work). So Tuesday could be a day of mourning or a day of celebration. We will see whichever way it goes.