Right now is Sunday evening, my usual time to think about what to write for my Monday post. This thought of writing about our due date has been in the back of my mind. If our brief pregnancy with Clay and/or Eli (the two embryos that we transferred back in February 2014) had worked out, our due date would have been October 29, 2014. I think about the pregnancy once in a while. I haven’t been overly sad about it. Tonight, Bob just asked if I was going to write a blog post. I said Yes. He asked about the topic. I said, I want to write about the due date. I don’t think he is as mindful about it as I am. He asked me what it was. I told him October 29. About the same time as Turtle’s daughter AJ. Earlier this evening, we just enjoyed looking at the cute photos of AJ’s first birthday on Fac.ebook. He said, “Wow, if it had worked out, our baby would be turning one year old.” Yes that’s right. Then he went on to say, “Oh maybe our baby would refuse to put on his pajamas, just like T.” T is our friends’ 9-month-old baby with whom we just visited and played yesterday. We witnessed how he fought over putting pajamas on after his bath and found that to be the cutest thing. All of a sudden, this vivid image was formed in my head, of something that would never materialize. We would never be able to casually chat about this child who existed in my womb for a nano second, about how he/she loves to take a bath, giggles like crazy when we play peekaboo with him/her, or how juicy his/her thighs are. This child would just be a passing thought, an idea that probably no one would ever remember, except me (and maybe some day Bob). Even if we are blessed with another child following a successful donor egg cycle, there is still a very tender spot in my heart reserved for this child that we lost and what could have been with him/her. I went from chatting and laughing with Bob, to suddenly having my eyes full of tears. I hadn’t cried about the loss of my one and only pregnancy in a very long time. Tonight feels very fitting to think about this life that was too short. Tears kept streaming down. Bob didn’t seem to know what to do. He was afraid that it was something that he said. I assured him that it had nothing to do with him. It was about time I got emotional about it. A long tight hug did make me feel better. I haven’t forgotten. The sadness is still there. I think I will remember this baby for a really long time.
I look forward to one day when we will have a chance to share with our rainbow baby all about this sibling that we couldn’t bring to this world.