MicroblogMondays: My In-Laws and My Parents

Microblog_Mondays

My in-laws say that they want to come next Summer.  This is HUGE.

A little bit of background.  Bob is the only child.  His parents live in India.  Their hope and dream were to marry him off to another South Indian girl in an arranged marriage.  They came to visit Bob right when we first started dating.  That was the one and only time they had ever come.  They were really angry with him and refused to meet with me at that time.  His father was so furious with him for going forward with the wedding that he called Bob the day before the wedding, yelled at him, and refused to talk to him for another ten months.  Needless to say, none of his family came to our wedding.  I did not meet my father- and mother-in-law until I went to visit them with Bob the year after we got married.

This means that it has been six years since they stepped foot in America.  Despite Bob’s repeated invitation, there is always this or that reason for not coming.  I won’t repeat the reasons here out of respect for Bob, but I would shake my head when I hear some of them.  His parents mentioned about coming this year, but the plan was postponed because of Bob’s grandmother’s passing and the tradition for his parents not to travel for a year and stay put to perform rituals for the one who passed.

Recently, it seems like every time Bob talks to them on the phone, they mention about coming next summer.

*Gulp*

It will take a lot of adjustment to have my in-laws around for two months.  I know that other Indian in-laws come for four, five, six months.  Two months may sound like nothing.  It’s just that, I am not used to having them around.  I cannot imagine just yet how it will all play out.  I am thrilled for Bob that he gets to spend quality time with his parents, and it is a chance for me to get to know them better than those nine or ten days that we usually spend with them when we visit.  But still, this is going to be very different than when my parents visit.  My parents are independent here.  My in-laws will not be.

The biggest concern of mine is that… I am really hoping that I will be at least 7 months pregnant by then.    So that means that my in-laws, if following their plan, will be around the last two months of my pregnancy (I am sounding very hopeful here but I am actually scared to death that it won’t happen).  I do not know about you, but I think I would want my own mother to be around as my comfort, support, and help more than having my in-laws around.  I think Bob understands that.  So we are telling his parents not to look into plane tickets yet because it is quite a way from now.  We should be able to find out about our fate for next summer come November/December.  Then we can have a more concrete plan as to how we want to arrange for our and their schedules.

It’s such a dilemma.  I do want them to come so Bob can have his quality time with his parents.  But I also want to be pregnant and have my mother around.

I told my mother last week on the phone that she may not get to come back from overseas in the summer because Bob’s parents may come.  My mom has such a good heart.  She was super excited for them to be willing to come, and told me not to worry about her coming home.  She can postpone her trip until whenever.  I would like to learn from her and her enthusiasm to realize that this is a great opportunity for me to develop a good relationship with my in-laws.

I also spoke with my dad on that day.  My mom knew that we would pursue egg donation but does not know the timing of things.  She will eventually know the details when we get pregnant.  But I don’t feel that she should know any details yet.  On the other hand, my dad knows everything about our development.  I just hadn’t updated him on the disappearance of our donor since he had been traveling and it was hard to catch him when he was on a biking trip in China.  So I finally caught him on the phone when he was home with my mom.  So I began to tell him all about the donor and all the things that happened with the choice of frozen eggs.  Bless his heart, he is so good at not divulging anything to my mom when she was around him.  He just quietly listened and made neutral comments.  At the end, he said, as long as we are handling our emotions well, then any decision is a good decision.

Then he said this, “The money that I helped you send to Bob’s parents, you don’t have to return it.  Just use it for treatment.”

We usually ask my dad to help send money to India for Bob’s parents and we pay him back here.  It amounts to quite a few thousand dollars.  So this is not a small sum of money.  Out of his love for us and the desires to help us, he just wants us to have more money saved up for treatment.  But I told him that we don’t need it, since we have saved up the money already.  He said, “We have money here too.  We don’t need the money.  Just take it.  End of discussion.  Here is your mom.”

I was speechless.  I have always been stunned by my father’s generosity, thoughtfulness, and love.  This is somebody who didn’t want us to have a big celebration at our wedding out of respect for my in-laws.  This is someone who has always wanted to go with us to visit my in-laws so that he can get to know them.  My parents have already given us the same amount of money one previous time to go towards treatment.  This is the second time.

I hope that I learn a few things from my father and my mother and be open, loving, generous, and caring towards my mother- and father-in-law if/when they come to visit, even if I would be 7 months pregnant.

(Gosh I really hope that I WILL be 7 months pregnant.)

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12 thoughts on “MicroblogMondays: My In-Laws and My Parents

  1. I hope you will be pregnant too. My MIL lives with us during the week to care for our toddler and since she is Chinese and I dont speak the language it works out.

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  2. So maybe it is the estrogen pills I am taking but this post made me tear up. I just love your Dad and am so happy your Mom is so selfless to understand it would be a good thing to have them here. I am very glad for your husband they are extending the olive branch. My own Father did not attend my wedding (although technically my second wedding but that is a LONG story) but now we have totally reconciled and I didn’t realize how much it was weighing on me until it was solved. I think if ( please please please) you are 7 months pregnant having some distractions at the end of the pregnancy might actually be nice. As long as everyone knows you may just need to lie in bed and read quite a bit. I think after the baby comes is especially when you will want your Mom. Who knows though- it is all so personal. So glad you have support around you and hoping so hard this is your time!!

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  3. Having in-laws come while you are potentially pregnant could be interesting (especially with all of the hormones running through your body!). Your Mom is nice to step aside so that your in-laws can come…but it would be better for her to come after the baby is born anyway. That’s when you really need the help!

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  4. Not going to lie, I’m 100 percent cringing at the idea of having guests in my home for two months. Cringing. Especially when those guests have been so disrespectful.

    That said … I personally would prefer to have guests while pregnant than right when I leave the hospital. Those early weeks are so special to you as a couple because you are ‘in the trenches’ together, bonding as you try to figure out what this tiny human being wants from you. You witness new sides of each other, like crying together because ‘I just love him so much.’ What I’m saying is, it is intimate. My advice, then, is to not have house guests during the time Bob is off of work, including your own mom. Afterwards, sure.

    And I personally would have the in laws come BEFORE if they *must.* though I imagine it would be hard to get them to leave if your due date is close. I’d also consider getting them their own place to stay, perhaps a short term rental on a condo nearby.

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  5. Your parents are such lovely people. Your in-laws, well, at least they’re making an effort to reach out. I’m hoping beyond hope that you’re 7 months pregnant during this hypothetical trip. I’m with Kasey, guard your time as a new family of three, you’ll be OK without help those first days. However, if you have to choose, you definitely want your mom there for the baby and not your in-laws. If all goes according to plan, will they want to change their trip to after the baby’s arrival?

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  6. I can’t imagine ANYONE living with me for 2 months, let alone in-laws I don’t really know or get along with. I’m with Maddie and Kasey, try to have them come beforehand and keep the time afterwards for you, Bob and the baby.

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  7. My situation is so similiar to yours. I’m sure Husband’s parents wanted him to marry some English girl so that we could come over every Sunday for a roast dinner. Our relationship is strained and awkward. I remember considering rescheduling my first IUI (because we knew it was going to work, right?) as if I did become pregnant, my inlaws would be visiting during the end of the pregnancy but it’s not a bad time to have them visit, and in my mind, would be preferable to when the baby is born.

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  8. I had my in-laws live with me for six weeks when we lived in Thailand. I was working, so I didn’t have to spend the days with them, thankfully. It isn’t always easy, but deep breathing helps a lot!

    Your dad sounds really lovely.

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  9. Your parents sound wonderful. Your in-laws, well… I also have a strained relationship with mine and am a little annoyed that they want to visit again in October when they were just here. It stresses me out to have them around. Of course they also imagined this differently (see, my husband even married another German, but we still live abroad…). They don’t seem to understand the concept of privacy. Sigh. But back to you – I do hope you’ll be really pregnant! Maybe they can cook for you and help stock the freezer? And what everyone else said about before vs after birth. Good luck!

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  10. You have wonderful parents. And it sounds like you may also get a chance to bond with your inlaws. It would be hard having someone live in my space for 2 months and change my routine for that amount of time. But what an amazing opportunity, too.

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  11. I totally can relate, your inlaws staying away from their only child for 6 years is a big deal in India,if it was their way they would have visited every year and stayed at least for 3 months That is the order of nature with us Indians, but I would definitely agree that you should have ur mother with you when you have your child, there are a lot of things which your mother can do for you not ur mother in law. It is my personal expieriance ..

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