Monday Conversations

It was a quiet Monday.  Work is under renovation so the number of staff has been cut down to the bare minimum.  I felt good so I sat in the lunch room having lunch alone for five minutes.  In walked pregnant coworker who sat right across from me.  I asked her how she was doing and how her weekend was, fully knowing that she would talk about her pregnancy and any pregnant related issues and complaints.  As predicted, she told me that she went to her child birth class on the weekend and her husband was just sitting there saying nothing, rather than being like other husbands who gave their wives encouraging words.  She was telling me that she was ready for this diet to be over, for this pregnancy to be over, but not quite ready for the baby to be here yet.  Her high risk pregnancy, gestational diabetes, and other things have made this a very difficult pregnancy for her.  Amazingly, while she was going on and on about that, I felt no ill feelings, no negative emotions, and no urges to run away from her presence.  I just listened and chimed in with my two cents.  As pleasantly and calmly as could be.  It was indeed a nice conservation without anybody cringing or escaping.

Another coworker walked in and started talking about her weekend and how much she had eaten and how much she had drunk in the last few weeks.  She was showing her lunch to us: leftovers from this weekend from someone else.  This someone else is actually the former coworker who had gotten pregnant recently.  I wrote about her here.  So naturally, the conversation at the table switched over to this former coworker who is miraculously pregnant.  I never knew the circumstances around her infertility.  So I just listened in.  According to my coworker, former coworker was told that she “does not have as many eggs as she should have” and her “husband’s sperm comes out all broken up”.  Sounds like diminished ovarian reserve and low morphology to me.  My coworker went on and said that they each had like 25% to conceive or something like that.  Like, they both had a 50% chance so together they had a 25% chance.  I was listening and I was thinking like, What?  That doesn’t make sense whatsoever.  I didn’t say, but each couple every cycle has a 25% of conceiving a child.  Whatever number she threw out there was not right.  Of course I did not say anything.  But this conversation was making me more uncomfortable than the one that I just had with pregnant coworker.  So coworker went on and said that yeah since they learned that they couldn’t get pregnant, so they went straight for adoption.  They had put in the paperwork then found out that they were pregnant.  So both coworker and pregnant coworker were commenting on THAT as the main reason why former coworker got pregnant, because now that they had RELAXED.

I had been quietly listening.  But I could not maintain my silence anymore.  I looked up and said, “I don’t believe in that”.  My coworker was probably a little startled by my sudden declaration.  She said, “You don’t?”  I said, “Nope, stress does not cause infertility, just like relaxing doesn’t help people who already can’t get pregnant to get pregnant.”  She said, “But it does happen though.  It happened to my brother and sister-in-law three times and it happened to [Pregnant Former Coworker].”  I said, “Yeah, but it doesn’t mean that they got pregnant because they relaxed.  It just happened.”  I told her and pregnant coworker that I know of so many people who had gotten pregnant at their most stressful time ever, and so many others who try to relax, but still can’t get pregnant.  I said one final time, “I don’t believe in that.”  Then I rested my case.

This coworker does not know about our struggles with conceiving.  Pregnant coworker knows probably minimally because I mentioned it to her when I handed her the baby shower gift.  So they were probably surprised that I even opened my mouth about this because I usually don’t say much at lunch.  But I just felt the urge to say something.  And I did.  They probably thought that I was weird, but I don’t really care.  I just knew that I had to say something.

Now that I am thinking about it, I should have said even more.  Oh well.  Next time.

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7 thoughts on “Monday Conversations

  1. I usually say that those are just the 10% of cases we HEAR about in the media. The 90% of people who go on vacation infertile and come back pregnant. The 90% of people who adopt a baby don’t end up pregnancy 2 months later. We only hear about the 10% who are the exception cause it’s a warm and fuzzy story that people want to share.

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  2. Well done speaking up. Yes it’s always possible to say more but it takes a lot of nerve to say anything. Also people can only take in so much in a time, especially when their prejudices are being challenged, so you probably said just the right amount.

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  3. Good for you! You are my hero for the day. My own therapist game me that crap advice once. If it wasn’t for the fact that I have seen her for years and trust her very much I would have fired her.

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  4. I am so proud of you for speaking up!! I know it takes courage and strength to say something and I am just so impressed that you did because people will never learn the truth about all of this if we don’t speak up.

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  5. Well done speaking up! I wish I had the strength to do so more often but usually I’m just struggling to keep tears back and keeping my voice steady as I make excuses to leave. This “just relax and it will happen”-myth, and especially the adoption variety, needs to be met with facts. There are studies showing that there is absolutely zero truth in it. But really, who needs a study to understand that paying one’s life savings and giving up one’s dream to carry a baby is NOT relaxing 😉

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  6. Good for you!! I always say that’s a small percentage of adoptions and if I know they believe in God, I usually say something like, “So you think you can trick God? Maybe they went to adopt and he was like- no, you’re going to have a baby” 😊 I’m proud of you!

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  7. Good for you for saying something! My grandfather made that exact statement to me because he had one, ONE friend who adopted and then got pregnant. Then he told me not to adopt because the friend’s adopted child turned out to be “bad” but he wouldn’t elaborate. Just because it happens once to someone else doesn’t mean that’s how it always goes. And for the record, my closest friends who have adopted did not get pregnant away. They did finally have their miracle pregnancy but not for nearly five more years.
    People are just ignorant some times. It’s usually harmless but I do try to speak up and correct whenever possible.

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