MicroblogMondays: Angry

Microblog_Mondays

I have been having a hard time finding words to say.

I have been reading all the blog posts on my reader.  However, I can’t seem to find the right words to write.  When there is good news (BFP, successful IVF retrievals with many eggs and embryos, or embryos reaching the blastocyst stage), I can’t help but think of my own situation.  Sadness overcomes me.  I have been struggling to click on the comment section and saying meaningful words or a simple “Congratulations”.  And I am not going to force myself.  It is tough to be a part of a blog world when the common goal is to get pregnant.  There are bound to be people who are successful and people who aren’t.  When you are in the camp of the wrong side of the statistics all the time, it is tough to be always positive and upbeat.  I try.  But I can’t always be there in the happy space.  Lately I find myself having a difficult time doing that.  It doesn’t mean that I am not happy for my friends.  But, I just can’t shake the feeling of unfairness.

And that, unfairness, has been making me angry.  I  was so surprised by my anger.  I remember feeling angry a couple of years ago.  And have had that feeling on and off.   But for the past year, I really have been at peace with the path on which we have been placed.  Peace and strength are what I pray for daily, and I get.  However, last Thursday, while looking at all the donor profiles, a sudden sense of unfairness came upon me.  I don’t know the reason.  Perhaps it was the sheer difficulty of choosing the half of the genetic source of your own future children, especially when the choices are limited.  Being Chinese in the States means that you will have to pay higher premiums to have a egg donor that you like, or you may have to compromise your choices.  It feels like we have a very very high mountain to climb.  We look up the mountain and do not know how to get to the top.  For the whole day last Thursday, I kept on having this thought in my head: No one should have to use donor eggs to try to start a family.  No one.  A friend of mine asked that since I felt angry about it, if I’d reconsider cycling with my own eggs again.  What she doesn’t understand is, being angry about using donor eggs doesn’t equate to wanting to risk tens of thousands of dollars for a very slim chance. However angry I am, I have a strong sense of gratitude at the same time that we have the financial means and the option to have a chance at a baby.  This is me these days: in the midst of a dichotomy, pulling me in both directions.  I am fine with being angry.  I need to let myself feel and process the emotions.  I do not want to brush aside my feelings.

My anger reached a new level when I found out on Friday that my friend A. had lost her baby.  Her tribute to her son was so beautifully written and so heart-wrenchingly sad.  NOBODY in this world should have to suffer so much pain of losing her long awaited child in utero after all the trouble and heartaches they have experienced.  I about lost it.  I felt this deep sorrow and rage for A. that this could happen.  I do not understand how it could be.  I do not understand the big picture.  I wish it didn’t happen.  I wish I could take way A.’s pain.

This is me in the past few days.  I haven’t been able to shake these feelings.  I am not trying too hard to shake them either.  I’ll let them be as there is a reason why I am experiencing them.  I hope that without my therapist’s help I can still go back to being strong and at peace.  I know I can do it.  With God’s help, I know I can.

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20 thoughts on “MicroblogMondays: Angry

  1. I’m so sorry to read this – for you and your friend. I know that anger and I think that you’re right to protect yourself – the blogging world is difficult at times as you say and you can’t always be happy, you’re only human. You’ve been in my thoughts a lot, sending you love xx

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  3. Keep taking care of yourself–we all know how much you love this community, congratulation comments or not. And no, life isn’t fair and that really sucks.

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  4. Sometimes the news from the blog community is good, sometimes it’s a punch to the gut/heart/soul. And sometimes perhaps a bit of both, depending where you stand. You are are strong person and you will get through this. I support you.

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  5. I think you need to feel whatever you need to feel. That when we try to talk ourselves out of our feelings, we do damage to the process of moving through a situation to the other side.

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  6. Oh, Isabelle, the process of looking @ donors is excruciating. Even though I had a meltdown before pulling the trigger, I did go through that process of talking to agencies and scrolling through profiles – surreal, gut-wrenching, and, yes, totally unfair. That’s why when I ultimately decided to book a cycle, I did it in CZ where you get matched by a 3rd party. And, you know, you have shown that you have the strength to adapt, having been left with a limited set of choices (like me) but, of course, the anger is totally natural. It’s just this crazy life that’s often out of our control. We compromise. We heal. We find happiness where we can.

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  7. Hi again. This post made my heart hurt for you. I know from reading your post that you are mourning your biological children. I am sure that at this moment it does feel unfair….and whose to say it isn’t. I just want to encourage you. I have a beautiful daughter. She is 100% my daughter,….she is 100% adopted. We adopted our daughter in 2013 after a long windy journey. My daughter looks nothing like me, nothing at all! My husband and I also have a set of twins that we conceived through fertility. We were blessed with our twins in 2004. My point of this comment is to give you hope. Pray about and for you donor choices. I can assure you that whether your child looks just like you, or completely different, you will LOVE with your whole heart. -I will be praying that the Lord will restore your peace in this journey-

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  8. I know I had many an ugly cry while lamenting the fact that life just isn’t fair. It’s not, and it really really sucks. I feel like you are still going through the various stages of grief for your own biological children, and anger is a completely legit part of that. I recommend kickboxing. Seriously. Sending love and support.

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  9. I have felt every one of those emotions you describe. A friend who has a very ill baby told me that in their household they have banned the “f” word – fairness. It was the best advice she gave me.

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  10. I am waiting to have a DE baby and can relate to the anger, the outrage, the grief (for in my case the anger is part of grieving – my fertility, my screwed up genetics that make my uterus a murder chamber, the lies I bought about being old, every one of those 9 babies I wanted and will never get to hold, the unknown-to-me experience of enjoying a pregnancy), all of it. My heart aches for you. You will survive, Isabelle. But you will never be the same. And if you’re like me the grieving may go on even when you are pregnant and stay that way at last. But as we grow new cells when the worn, broken, old ones die so do our hearts and spirits adapt and persevere. Suffering is endemic here. And it sucks. Horribly. Please know you are not alone in your outrage, your sorrow, your grief, your anger. Rage all you need to. You will put some altered variation of yourself back together. I know it. You don’t need to be a hero or convince any of us. Just be you. I am so glad you are here.

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  11. I’ve always thought how strong a person you are and have been through all of this and amazed that you more often felt at peace than angry. I struggled with anger/unfairness/sadness often, so much so at one point that my husband wrote me a letter expressing his concern that he hardly saw me smile.
    I’m not sure what my point is here, entirely. It is ok to be angry – I am angry for you. For everyone who is still digging.

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  12. Pingback: Infertility Sucks | No Good Eggs

  13. My heart goes out to you. Sometimes, it is ok to not be tough. Being tough is hard and sometimes the world needs to reach out and give the tough ones a hand. You never want to find out this way how good your inner strength is and lady you have buckets of it. One way or another your baby will find it’s way to you because of it. Hugs xx

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  14. When my husband and I were ttc I was seeing a fertility therapist. One of the things I had the hardest time with was learning to abide in the emotions I was going through, no matte what that emotion was. Many times it was anger and grief. There was something liberating about just allowing myself to be angry.

    I still find myself having moments of anger at infertility even though we have become parents through adoption.

    Thinking of you in your journey.

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  15. I am so sorry for your friend’s loss, and for unfairness in general when it comes to infertility. I am one of those people who was never successful in terms of treatment, and while I’m very excited to embark on my adoption journey, I still get angry occasionally that I didn’t get to be a success story. So this really, really resonates with me. Especially because the blog feeds seem to be teeming with a cohort of recent successes. I am honestly very happy for these people, and wish them continued success and am glad they are off this path, but man does it make me feel horribly sorry for myself. And mad that I didn’t get to have that experience. I wish you all the luck in the world for your donor egg experience. You’re right, it’s not fair. I’m glad there are other ways to make a family, but it will never stop being unfair.

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  16. I’m not surprised you’re angry, for you abs your friend. I’m angry for you. It’s so cruel and unfair and I’m so sorry you have to go through any of it. Rage against the world hon, I’m raging with you xxx

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