I have been having a hard time finding words to say.
I have been reading all the blog posts on my reader. However, I can’t seem to find the right words to write. When there is good news (BFP, successful IVF retrievals with many eggs and embryos, or embryos reaching the blastocyst stage), I can’t help but think of my own situation. Sadness overcomes me. I have been struggling to click on the comment section and saying meaningful words or a simple “Congratulations”. And I am not going to force myself. It is tough to be a part of a blog world when the common goal is to get pregnant. There are bound to be people who are successful and people who aren’t. When you are in the camp of the wrong side of the statistics all the time, it is tough to be always positive and upbeat. I try. But I can’t always be there in the happy space. Lately I find myself having a difficult time doing that. It doesn’t mean that I am not happy for my friends. But, I just can’t shake the feeling of unfairness.
And that, unfairness, has been making me angry. I was so surprised by my anger. I remember feeling angry a couple of years ago. And have had that feeling on and off. But for the past year, I really have been at peace with the path on which we have been placed. Peace and strength are what I pray for daily, and I get. However, last Thursday, while looking at all the donor profiles, a sudden sense of unfairness came upon me. I don’t know the reason. Perhaps it was the sheer difficulty of choosing the half of the genetic source of your own future children, especially when the choices are limited. Being Chinese in the States means that you will have to pay higher premiums to have a egg donor that you like, or you may have to compromise your choices. It feels like we have a very very high mountain to climb. We look up the mountain and do not know how to get to the top. For the whole day last Thursday, I kept on having this thought in my head: No one should have to use donor eggs to try to start a family. No one. A friend of mine asked that since I felt angry about it, if I’d reconsider cycling with my own eggs again. What she doesn’t understand is, being angry about using donor eggs doesn’t equate to wanting to risk tens of thousands of dollars for a very slim chance. However angry I am, I have a strong sense of gratitude at the same time that we have the financial means and the option to have a chance at a baby. This is me these days: in the midst of a dichotomy, pulling me in both directions. I am fine with being angry. I need to let myself feel and process the emotions. I do not want to brush aside my feelings.
My anger reached a new level when I found out on Friday that my friend A. had lost her baby. Her tribute to her son was so beautifully written and so heart-wrenchingly sad. NOBODY in this world should have to suffer so much pain of losing her long awaited child in utero after all the trouble and heartaches they have experienced. I about lost it. I felt this deep sorrow and rage for A. that this could happen. I do not understand how it could be. I do not understand the big picture. I wish it didn’t happen. I wish I could take way A.’s pain.
This is me in the past few days. I haven’t been able to shake these feelings. I am not trying too hard to shake them either. I’ll let them be as there is a reason why I am experiencing them. I hope that without my therapist’s help I can still go back to being strong and at peace. I know I can do it. With God’s help, I know I can.