I almost caved. Almost.
I woke up Friday morning feeling little anxious. It was the first time I felt this way since the two week wait began. All the so-called “pregnancy symptoms” all had disappeared. Not that I felt pregnant before, but the extreme exhaustion, the abdominal tugging, and the whole waking up in the middle of the night got me thinking that I probably was pregnant. When these symptoms were no longer felt, I panicked a little and had an urge to pee on one of my four FRER. I had already gone to the bathroom once after waking at 4am. When we got up at 5:30am for bootcamp, the pee that I was holding was second morning urine. However, Bob was a little upset that I went crazy on him the night before. Yup. I was unreasonably emotional the night before, which made us go to bed late. He woke up groggy and tired. We would’ve had enough sleep had I not acted in a crazy way. Since he was a little upset, I really didn’t want to ruin everyone’s morning by testing and risking a BFN. I sat there in the bathroom with ten thousand thoughts moving fast in my head. To test, or not to test? To test, or not to test? It was a tough decision for me. Last year we had our beta on 13DPO. Friday was 13DPO. In my head, if we have a chemical pregnancy this time, 13DPO would be a good day to test. However, getting a potential BFN so early in the morning would not go very well with Bob’s mood that morning. You see my struggle here? So I just let it all go. The one thing that would make POAS happen that morning went down with the flush. Bob walked in and saw the look on my face. I told him what I did. He said, Oh if you decided to test, I am okay with it. Well, buddy, it was too late now.
On my way to work, I still couldn’t shake that anxious feeling. And I really hated it. I was again a little panicky that I no longer felt the so-called “symptoms”. My mind was definitely doing tricks on me. I know it is not abnormal to feel this way. I totally think that it being 13DPO had something to do with my feelings. I had to share with someone, but I was busy all morning. Finally at noon, I chose to talk to the one person I knew would definitely talk me out of testing. My friend M is always against testing and all for waiting until beta day. She said, “I always ask, ‘What will annoy me more? Knowing I didn’t win the lottery now. Or enjoying my weekend with hope and then killing it on Monday.'” I told her that I would want to know if I had a chemical, to which she answered, “The blood draw on Monday will tell you that.” She also told me that I was not reacting to cues from my body but to the cues from my mind. And she is right. It is all in my head. And then she said, “At this point, your body can’t tell you if you are or are not pregnant. I know you want to think you can tell, because sometimes cats can tell. But you’re not a cat, and even cats wouldn’t know yet.” Hahaha. I love her. What she said next sealed the deal for me. She said,
“What you’re feeling about whether you are or aren’t pregnant at this point has more to do with your history of pregnancy and your thwarted hopes, the fear of daring to dream that this could be the time, than anything your body is actually doing.”
You know, I have been doing something crazy. Pregnancy is associated with something called “slippery pulse“. The previous week on 6DPO, my acupuncturist felt my pulse and told me that it was strong and slippery. From that day on, I had been feeling my own pulse. It had been feeling strong, fast, and rolling from one finger to another. I felt Bob’s pulse and my sister-in-law’s pulse. Both of theirs felt very different from mine. I don’t know Traditional Chinese Medicine. I don’t pretend to know. This slippery pulse can also be associated with AF coming soon, or other conditions in your body. My pulse did feel “slippery”. So like any other TTC ladies who do crazy things during their TWW, I am also crazy and obsessed with this slippery pulse. I kept on feeling my pulse every five minutes. Sometimes it felt strong and fast and rolling. Sometimes it didn’t feel so much so. I was going crazy thinking that I was pregnant and then I was not pregnant. It was agonizing. I basically do not know a thing and I keep depending my hope on this one thing and other “symptoms”. I seemed to have forgotten that the last two weeks I had been focusing on God, His will, and His power, which gave me so much peace. This pee stick business had taken away my peace. I really need to put a stop to it.
After talking to M, I made a decision. I wrote Bob a message asking him if he could hide the pee sticks for me on Friday night and we won’t POAS at all. We will just wait for the beta. If it’s BFN, I want the blow only once and not twice. Even if the pee stick is positive, I would be trying to analyze the darkness of the line. If the pee stick is negative, then I would be upset the whole weekend. So we might as well enjoy our weekend without knowing because BFN and BFP both won’t give us any quantitative information that would ease our mind. Bob’s response was an emphatic “YEAH!” He has always been against testing. He said, “Let’s celebrate not peeing on a stick!” Silly man. 🙂
Wow guys, the sense of relief and peace that I have been feeling ever since making that decision has been so amazing. I am no longer anxious. I am at peace. I could focus at work without obsessing over whether or not I should save my pee for a more concentrated version after work for the pee stick. It has been wonderful!
It’s already Saturday and I have been feeling so good. God really answered my prayer for being at peace and calm during the last 48 hours of our (more than) two week wait. I am also feeling very loved that so many people are praying and rooting for us. I don’t feel as tired as last week. I don’t feel the tugging anymore. But ignoring the symptoms or the lack thereof has been so liberating. It is what it is. By now, it’s a done deal. I am very grateful that after half of a day of panic and craziness I am back to my calm, happy self. I don’t even need Bob to really hide the pee sticks from me because I have enough trust and will power to refrain from testing. They are still in the bathroom drawer exactly where I had left them a few days ago.
Less than two days to go. 🙂
(And thanks M!)