“Suckaversary”

A year ago today was a sunny Thursday just like today.  It was the day we found out if my first positive beta had doubled.  I was quite calm all morning until around lunch time when I hadn’t heard from  my RE.  When she finally called at around 12:45 and said the word “unfortunately”, I couldn’t hold it together anymore.  The rest is history.  Our first BFP and positive beta came and went.  Just like that, a dream was shattered and lost.  It took another six months for us to pick up the pieces and start all over again.

The date “February 18” used to carry the meaning of joy and happiness, as it is usually around Chinese New year and it is my childhood best friend’s birthday.  This year is the first time this date represents something totally different.  It now also symbolizes the darker side of life.  The loss of a life that was way too short.  The heartaches and struggles of a couple who longs to have a baby to love and to hold.  On that day when we got our first positive beta, I didn’t experience joy.  The beta was so low (21) that I had a really difficult time wrapping my brain around it.  I just couldn’t even dare to think that all could be well.  For two whole days, I vacillated between hope and fear, unbelief and belief, allowing myself to dream and quickly crushing that dream as I could not believe that I was carrying a little life inside me.  Waiting for the second beta was the most difficult thing I had done.   Then the day of second beta was the worst day of my life.  February 20, 2014 would forever be etched in my mind as the day we lost our first pregnancy.

Emotionally, I have been doing quite well.  I carry on my everyday life and am functioning like a normal human being.  However, these few days whenever I write or hear the date, my heart twinges a little.  I was a little teary eyed yesterday thinking about the hellish day last year.  I haven’t cried and I am still feeling fine.  It’s just that the thought of our loss tugs at my heart more so than usual.  When I see that my friends who got pregnant around the same time talk about their almost four-month-old babies, I feel like our life is idle and we haven’t made much improvement.  This is not true though as we are going to transfer our embryos and we have plans to move onto donor egg cycles.  However, when your peers move forward, the sense of being stuck somewhere is even more amplified.  I want to scream to the world that today is the anniversary of our loss.  But I keep my silence and sit quietly by myself in my office at lunch so I don’t hear the word “pregnant” many many times in the lunch room.  I guess this is my way of mourning and commemorating this moment.  12:45pm.  February 20.  The news that forever changed our lives.  According to my dear friend M, this is my “suckaversary”.

My RE called me yesterday.  We discussed about moving forward this cycle despite not being able to use Letro.zole.  We will do a natural cycle, try to retrieve one egg, and try to make one embryo.  If my lining is good (trilaminar and thick), we will hopefully have one fresh embryo and thaw three of the best embryos to put back four embryos on day two.  If lining is not good, then we will cancel the transfer.  We’ll go in on Sunday for our cycle day nine scan to check on the cyst and any follicles.  My basal body temperature threw me off a little as it went up above my usual cover line for two days.  I almost thought that I had ovulated very early again.  Good thing my BBT went back down.  Hopefully my body holds out a little before ovulation so I can grow my lining well.  Looks like after all these ups and downs, false starts and cancellations, we will proceed with our cycle.

We shall see what the future holds.

 

 

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27 thoughts on ““Suckaversary”

  1. I think your friend has the perfect word for these days – suckaversary! I’m sorry you are here today, one year later and still without. And while you are right, there is happiness in knowing your next steps, you are also right when you say ” when your peers move forward, the sense of being stuck somewhere is even more amplified.”
    Wishing you love and hoping that you get one this month. I am so hopeful to see what your future holds.

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    • Last year when we had our loss, I was wondering if we would still be in the same place without a baby. LIke… when I make a appt for something that is really far ahead (e.g. dental appts), I often wonder if I will have the same status (which is without baby or pregnancy). At the same time, seeing the updates of pregnancy friends at 16, 18, 22, 30, or whatever stage their pregnancy is at…. it’s really disconcerting.

      Thanks for the love and hope friend. ❤

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  2. Oh honey, suckaversary doesn’t even do it justice. Really, really hoping that this cycle leads to another great embryo as well as a transfer. Am thinking of you often.

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    • Oh I am so happy to see your comment. Have been wondering about how you’re doing. I hope that you’re well and that we’ll see an update about your pregnancy soon. Thanks for the hope and well wishes, friend.

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      • Thanks Isabelle, really hoping for the best with this cycle, love that there are two good looking follicles and lining so far. Sending positive thoughts your way for the next couple of hurdles!

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  3. So sorry about your “suckaversary” – I wish (as always) that there was a way to make life more fair. I hope you find comfort in your future plans….and in another year or less things are very different!!

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  4. oh honey! I didn’t know the exact date, but I remember all too well reading the post when you talked about the first beta and then the devastating news of the second. This is so sucky and there are no words to even begin to describe it. But you know what? You have been through so much…so much loss…and set backs…and terrible news, yet still standing and going strong. You are so brave and courageous! I am praying for Gods strength to continue to carry you and His hope to always overflow in you as you pursue the dreams HE has placed inside of your heart. I am very hopeful for your future because I know the One who holds it in the palm of His hands. Love ya sugars! xo

    waitingforbabybird.com

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    • Thank you so much friend. You’re always so uplifting and encouraging. Thanks for the prayers as I do really need God’s strength every single day. I particularly like what you shared on FB today, that just because something isn’t happening right now does not mean that it will never happen. I find comfort in that and I’ll keep that in mind when we go through this cycle. Love you too!

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  5. I could’ve written this post over and over again when I was trying. It is a horrible position to have a beta but not as high as it should be. And the thing above everyone moving forward while you don’t… Well, let’s just say it hurt to go to church when every other week, my Sunday school class had a pregnancy announcement.
    But you will move, and you will get past this point! You just need a little more prayer and a little more love to get you through this time. By all the comments I see on your blog, I know you aren’t short on either of those, and that’s just the online world!

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    • Thank you! Yup. Just looking at my history, I always get past those disappointing and sad moments with God’s help. Thanks for the reminder of how much I am loved. And thanks always for your support. 🙂

      Liked by 1 person

  6. I wish you didn’t have to have a suckaversary. I truly hope that this time next year one (or more!) of your little frosties will be around to make this day a little less sucky.

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  7. I’m glad I am awful at remembering dates so I don’t remember my suckaversaries. I hope that with time things will change for you and you’ll be able to forget these dates. but for now I admire your strength! xx

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