A year ago today was a sunny Thursday just like today. It was the day we found out if my first positive beta had doubled. I was quite calm all morning until around lunch time when I hadn’t heard from my RE. When she finally called at around 12:45 and said the word “unfortunately”, I couldn’t hold it together anymore. The rest is history. Our first BFP and positive beta came and went. Just like that, a dream was shattered and lost. It took another six months for us to pick up the pieces and start all over again.
The date “February 18” used to carry the meaning of joy and happiness, as it is usually around Chinese New year and it is my childhood best friend’s birthday. This year is the first time this date represents something totally different. It now also symbolizes the darker side of life. The loss of a life that was way too short. The heartaches and struggles of a couple who longs to have a baby to love and to hold. On that day when we got our first positive beta, I didn’t experience joy. The beta was so low (21) that I had a really difficult time wrapping my brain around it. I just couldn’t even dare to think that all could be well. For two whole days, I vacillated between hope and fear, unbelief and belief, allowing myself to dream and quickly crushing that dream as I could not believe that I was carrying a little life inside me. Waiting for the second beta was the most difficult thing I had done. Then the day of second beta was the worst day of my life. February 20, 2014 would forever be etched in my mind as the day we lost our first pregnancy.
Emotionally, I have been doing quite well. I carry on my everyday life and am functioning like a normal human being. However, these few days whenever I write or hear the date, my heart twinges a little. I was a little teary eyed yesterday thinking about the hellish day last year. I haven’t cried and I am still feeling fine. It’s just that the thought of our loss tugs at my heart more so than usual. When I see that my friends who got pregnant around the same time talk about their almost four-month-old babies, I feel like our life is idle and we haven’t made much improvement. This is not true though as we are going to transfer our embryos and we have plans to move onto donor egg cycles. However, when your peers move forward, the sense of being stuck somewhere is even more amplified. I want to scream to the world that today is the anniversary of our loss. But I keep my silence and sit quietly by myself in my office at lunch so I don’t hear the word “pregnant” many many times in the lunch room. I guess this is my way of mourning and commemorating this moment. 12:45pm. February 20. The news that forever changed our lives. According to my dear friend M, this is my “suckaversary”.
My RE called me yesterday. We discussed about moving forward this cycle despite not being able to use Letro.zole. We will do a natural cycle, try to retrieve one egg, and try to make one embryo. If my lining is good (trilaminar and thick), we will hopefully have one fresh embryo and thaw three of the best embryos to put back four embryos on day two. If lining is not good, then we will cancel the transfer. We’ll go in on Sunday for our cycle day nine scan to check on the cyst and any follicles. My basal body temperature threw me off a little as it went up above my usual cover line for two days. I almost thought that I had ovulated very early again. Good thing my BBT went back down. Hopefully my body holds out a little before ovulation so I can grow my lining well. Looks like after all these ups and downs, false starts and cancellations, we will proceed with our cycle.
We shall see what the future holds.