Good news: we didn’t have to cut our vacation short.
Bad news: a pregnant doctor found a big cyst on my left ovary. The cycle is canceled, again.
My period came at 5:45pm on December 30th. My clinic counts full flow after 4pm as cycle day one the next day. I was totally relieved as we could stay on vacation as planned. No frantically driving back to the city for that short ultrasound. I was teasing myself for the little trust I had in God for His timing. I didn’t know that my trust would be tested again very soon.
What a way to start the New Year, right? Getting a baseline ultrasound for our new cycle on New Year’s Day, the cycle that we would finally transfer and have a chance at pregnancy. Sounds like a great new beginning right? Soon, that sense of a fresh start was crushed by the news. Delivered by a pregnant doctor nonetheless. She walked in with a glow on her face and her hands resting on her bump. Like Maddie said, Who glows??? Maybe it’s a California thing, because all the pregnant ladies around her just look tired. But yes, Pregnant Doctor was glowing. I didn’t much mind her. I just wanted to get the scan done to know that we were good to go with this cycle. I kept my fingers crossed and whispered “No cysts”.
Then there it was. Huge round dark circle on the screen, measuring about 25mm.
I know the drill. I knew the cycle would be canceled. This sense of unfairness overcame me and my heart again. I was sad, disappointed, and hurt. But on my face, I probably looked composed and calm. I was not calm at all. I was trying so very hard to hold myself together. We discussed calmly about the next steps. I asked if it was an estrogen producing cyst. She suggested blood work to check the estrogen level, although later on at home I realized that the level wouldn’t accurately reflect the estrogen level since I had been taking Estradiol for priming. I got poked anyways. And estrogen did come back at the 800 level. Very high. I was instructed to connect with my RE’s care team the next day.
On the car ride home, I was extremely quiet. All I wanted to do was to cry. But I didn’t cry in the car. Bob wasn’t feeling much better. At first he said that it was okay that we just wait for the next month. Then he said that he didn’t want to transfer in February because of the bad memories from our transfer and chemical pregnancy last year in February. He wanted to just do a freeze all cycle again in February and try to transfer in March. I almost lost it there but I kept my mouth shut. Both of us were in extremely bad mood, very hurt and angry.
I was so angry at God. I was so angry at the world, at the unfairness of it all, at the waiting, the pain and suffering that we have had to endure. Then I felt guilty for being angry at God. I vacillated between guilt and anger all day. Tears kept coming down when I was cutting vegetables. Bob told me to just rest instead of cooking. He didn’t understand that at that moment, I just wanted to be left alone and let my emotions and tears out while doing something productive. So he left me alone to read in bed upstairs. When I was done cooking, I went upstairs, squeezed next to him and rested with my eyes closed. With his body behind mine, and his hand moving up and down on my back, I curled up like a fetus and just let myself cry the best cry I could have.
Will all the tears be worth it in the end?
This delay had hit me harder than any other delays. I have been so ready for a transfer since November. Our wonky 42-day failed cycle in November pushed our December cycle into the time of the two week lab closure that made it impossible for retrieval and transfer. We celebrated the rest that we had during the holiday season and tried to make the most of it. We were so hopeful for finally moving forward and believed that this new year would bring the long-awaited transfer.
What a way to start our new year.
Needless to say, a severe headache consumed the second half of my day. It took a really long time to go away.
I kept my eyes tightly shut this morning and did not want to wake up. I was praying and talking to God about how disappointed I was in my body and in His timing. I didn’t like His timing a bit. My head knowledge tells me that God’s timing is the best. But my heart was rebellious. I was chatting with Maddie about it. And I was saying that Elisha is probably the best person to talk me out of this nonsense that I was feeling. How do we talk to God and pray to Him when we feel that He is so so far away? When we don’t feel His love and that He has my best interest in His mind? It’s such a struggle to stay faithful, positive, and trusting in God’s plan and timing. I don’t know how others do it.
My prayer is that my trust in God and His plan will be strengthened. I realize how fragile my faith and trust is. Asking for God’s peace and strength is an everyday occurrence. I’ll pick myself up again soon. I just need to allow myself some grace and some time to get over the hurtful feeling.
My dear friend Jane made me laugh for the first time yesterday. When I told her about the cyst, she said: “Cyst name suggestions: Agatha or Muriel”. I burst out laughing. The last thing that I had in my mind was to name my cyst, although this has been my tradition to name my cysts to make them go away. It helps to have friends who would take care of that for you. I love that she always gives me two choices.
Muriel it is.
Good bye Muriel. I don’t want to see you next month.