My Not So Happy New Year

Good news: we didn’t have to cut our vacation short.

Bad news: a pregnant doctor found a big cyst on my left ovary.  The cycle is canceled, again.

My period came at 5:45pm on December 30th.  My clinic counts full flow after 4pm as cycle day one the next day.  I was totally relieved as we could stay on vacation as planned.  No frantically driving back to the city for that short ultrasound.  I was teasing myself for the little trust I had in God for His timing.  I didn’t know that my trust would be tested again very soon.

What a way to start the New Year, right?  Getting a baseline ultrasound for our new cycle on New Year’s Day, the cycle that we would finally transfer and have a chance at pregnancy.  Sounds like a great new beginning right?  Soon, that sense of a fresh start was crushed by the news.  Delivered by a pregnant doctor nonetheless.  She walked in with a glow on her face and her hands resting on her bump.  Like Maddie said, Who glows???  Maybe it’s a California thing, because all the pregnant ladies around her just look tired.  But yes, Pregnant Doctor was glowing.  I didn’t much mind her.  I just wanted to get the scan done to know that we were good to go with this cycle.  I kept my fingers crossed and whispered “No cysts”.

Then there it was.  Huge round dark circle on the screen, measuring about 25mm.

I know the drill.  I knew the cycle would be canceled.  This sense of unfairness overcame me and my heart again.  I was sad, disappointed, and hurt.  But on my face, I probably looked composed and calm.  I was not calm at all.  I was trying so very hard to hold myself together.  We discussed calmly about the next steps.  I asked if it was an estrogen producing cyst.  She suggested blood work to check the estrogen level, although later on at home I realized that the level wouldn’t accurately reflect the estrogen level since I had been taking Estradiol for priming.  I got poked anyways.  And estrogen did come back at the 800 level.  Very high.   I was instructed to connect with my RE’s care team the next day.

On the car ride home, I was extremely quiet.  All I wanted to do was to cry.  But I didn’t cry in the car.  Bob wasn’t feeling much better.  At first he said that it was okay that we just wait for the next month.  Then he said that he didn’t want to transfer in February because of the bad memories from our transfer and chemical pregnancy last year in February.  He wanted to just do a freeze all cycle again in February and try to transfer in March.  I almost lost it there but I kept my mouth shut.  Both of us were in extremely bad mood, very hurt and angry.

I was so angry at God.  I was so angry at the world, at the unfairness of it all, at the waiting, the pain and suffering that we have had to endure.  Then I felt guilty for being angry at God.  I vacillated between guilt and anger all day.  Tears kept coming down when I was cutting vegetables.  Bob told me to just rest instead of cooking.  He didn’t understand that at that moment, I just wanted to be left alone and let my emotions and tears out while doing something productive.  So he left me alone to read in bed upstairs.  When I was done cooking, I went upstairs, squeezed next to him and rested with my eyes closed.  With his body behind mine, and his hand moving up and down on my back, I curled up like a fetus and just let myself cry the best cry I could have.

Will all the tears be worth it in the end?

This delay had hit me harder than any other delays.  I have been so ready for a transfer since November.  Our wonky 42-day failed cycle in November pushed our December cycle into the time of the two week lab closure that made it impossible for retrieval and transfer.  We celebrated the rest that we had during the holiday season and tried to make the most of it.  We were so hopeful for finally moving forward and believed that this new year would bring the long-awaited transfer.

What a way to start our new year.

Needless to say, a severe headache consumed the second half of my day.  It took a really long time to go away.

I kept my eyes tightly shut this morning and did not want to wake up.   I was praying and talking to God about how disappointed I was in my body and in His timing.  I didn’t like His timing a bit.  My head knowledge tells me that God’s timing is the best.  But my heart was rebellious.  I was chatting with Maddie about it.  And I was saying that Elisha is probably the best person to talk me out of this nonsense that I was feeling.  How do we talk to God and pray to Him when we feel that He is so so far away?  When we don’t feel His love and that He has my best interest in His mind?  It’s such a struggle to stay faithful, positive, and trusting in God’s plan and timing.  I don’t know how others do it.

My prayer is that my trust in God and His plan will be strengthened.  I realize how fragile my faith and trust is.  Asking for God’s peace and strength is an everyday occurrence.  I’ll pick myself up again soon.  I just need to allow myself some grace and some time to get over the hurtful feeling.

My dear friend Jane made me laugh for the first time yesterday.  When I told her about the cyst, she said: “Cyst name suggestions: Agatha or Muriel”.  I burst out laughing.  The last thing that I had in my mind was to name my cyst, although this has been my tradition to name my cysts to make them go away.  It helps to have friends who would take care of that for you.  I love that she always gives me two choices.

Muriel it is.

Good bye Muriel.  I don’t want to see you next month.

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17 thoughts on “My Not So Happy New Year

  1. I wrote a whole comment and then wordpress ate it. Grr.

    The gist was: Get LOST Muriel!!

    I’m sorry this cycle is not starting out on a better note. Those damned cysts are truly a pain. I’m sending you vibes of acceptance and patience. Be good to yourself.

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  2. While reading this my heart just broke for you!! I know the pain and frustrations that come from a canceled cycle. I also know how hard it is to see how this could be good…and part of His plan…and better in the long run. It’s like being in a fog and not being able to see but only a few feet ahead of you and it sucks. It’s frustrating! But I am trusting that soon, that fog will be lifted and you will be able to take a look around and see why there were so many delays. Its hard in the moment, but try to remember that we only see a little bit but God sees the WHOLE picture. He sees life up ahead…and not just YOUR life up ahead, but the life of your future baby. Perhaps He is guarding them from something in the future? Perhaps He is guarding you? We don’t know and we might ever know on this side of heaven, but what I do know is that He would never do anything to you that would cause you harm. His delays are not necessarily denials. Perhaps He is helping you build your faith muscles because you will need to exercise them later in life for something else? Like I said, who knows. And maybe I’m only putting on a spiritual bandaide for you, but I am praying that you find peace in this moment and that you are able to spend time enjoying His presence more during this season of waiting. I say “season” because seasons change. Soon you won’t be waiting 🙂 xoxoxo sugars!!

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  3. I’m so sorry this year started on a negative note. Cancelled cycles are really tough with all the hope and expectations that come with it. I hope things will soon improve. Big hug. xx

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  4. Dangit! Whyever do ovaries need to be so fickle and uncooperative? I’m so sorry they’re messing with your plans. I hope, in the end, the outcome is worth the wait!

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  5. I’ve experienced the pregnant monitoring doc. It’s an unpleasant shock. As for timing, it’s so hard to let go of control. We plan, yet nothing goes as planned. I think you should visualize Muriel leaving your body. Give her a high-five and send her on a jet plane. Adios cyst!

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  6. Oh..these cysts are the worst! I had a huge one this cycle and just hoping that it’s gone next cycle. Lots of waiting…unfortunately, I’m getting used to it after all of this time:( Hope that His perfect timing is on it’s way for you Isabelle!! xoxo

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  7. Effing Muriel. I’m so sorry to hear that you started your year with such disappointment and tears. This whole thing never seems to get easier, does it? I wish you weren’t going through this when all you need is one good cycle so you can do a transfer. You’re so close, I hope Muriel takes a hike soon and you can do what you need next cycle.

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  8. Well I’m happy that your vacation wasn’t cut short, but I am so so sorry about this cancelled cycle. Your feelings and questions about God, I can relate to. I am so ready for you to transfer too! I felt like it was just around the corner when we met up and now that seems so long ago. I will be praying for you and that the time between your next transfer flies by. Sending you and your husband a big hug! I am always available if you need to vent/cry/chat whatever.
    …just think, the worst part of your year has past and it will be so so sweet when you get your BFP! Thinking of you and sending love your way!

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  9. I am so sorry about all the delays. At every one of my delays, I couldn’t ever hold back – would just sob right there, typically half dressed which didn’t help the dignity level. It sucks but I looking back, the timing had to be what it was, but I didn’t know that until after. Hang in there my friend!

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  10. I’m disappointed this cycle didn’t work out like it was supposed to 😦 I realize how hard this past year has been on you and Bob, and how hard you’ve worked to get to this point in your journey. No one has worked harder than you.
    And I’m optimistic about the opportunities you have before you–your beautiful frozen embryos that are waiting for you.
    Maybe there’s a reason Muriel appeared. Maybe March is meant to be a magical month for you. Maybe a break before transfer would be good? Of course I don’t know, only God knows. But I believe you are one step closer to your baby, cyst or no cyst, transfer or no transfer. *hugs* XOXO

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  11. Ugh. What a terrible time you’ve been through lately. My heart hurts for you. I know exactly what you mean about God seeming so far away. I felt that way after the twins were born and this wonderful miracle seemed like a cruel joke instead. It will pass though, and soon I hope. Praying for you.

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