Those were the words that came out of my mouth at 5:30 this morning in a dark room in this nice bed and breakfast.
I am on vacation. Our long-awaited vacation at a coastal town. A time away that I had been looking forward to, so that we can relax and recharge before we go back to the IVF madness.
Of course I woke up at 5:30am. Why? Because that’s the stupid time that I usually wake up to take my temperature. I was praying that it would keep itself up at least for one more day. Well… it dropped below cover line. Today is only 11 days past ovulation. My period is not supposed to come this early. I usually have a nice long 14-day luteal phase. This is a joke.
Dang it! Why can’t my body cooperate for once?!? All I want is a nice relaxing vacation without having to worry about stupid AF coming. Now I am on a toilet paper watch.
A temperature drop doesn’t always mean the immediate arrival of AF. It may take a day. It may not. We have two more days here. I really hope that AF doesn’t come until tomorrow after 4pm, so that the first day of the cycle will be on Wednesday. We drive home on Wednesday so if that’s the case, I can go to the clinic on January 1st.
Nevertheless, I am on TP watch. Do you know how disappointing and depressing it is to have to watch for blood every single time I go to the bathroom while on vacation?
I lay in bed feeling sorry for myself, at 5:30am. This is crazy. I feel that I should NOT be affected by this. But the sense of unfairness kept me from feeling calm about it. All I could think of was, I can’t even have a relaxing time without thinking or worrying about stupid IVF cycle on my own vacation.
If my period comes today before 4pm, we’ll have to drive back to the city for 2.5 hours tomorrow to do the 5 minute ultrasound. The thought of that makes it so depressing.
Bob rubbed my back and told me that it was okay. He said that, maybe we can tell the clinic that we’ll just postpone our cycle until next month.
I shook my head in the dark. I am not postponing the cycle. Period.
It doesn’t help that I saw a pregnancy announcement of an acquaintance popping up on my FB screen. An ultrasound photo indicating that baby’s arrival end of July. I immediately unfollowed her. I don’t need this right now.
The sense of unfairness enlarged and engulfed my heart.
I will be okay. I just need the time to vent.
On a more pleasant note, these pictures also describe how our vacation has been:
Hopefully we can enjoy our time for a couple more days.