After such great momentum for two months, it feels so funny (as in strange, not funny haha) that my cycle has come to a screeching halt. What cycle day is it today? I lose track. I only know that we should have completed our egg retrieval eight days ago. I should have started estrogen priming by popping an Estrace daily starting today.
I should know this by now. There is no should have in the land of infertility and in vitro fertilization. You can’t possibly predict what will happen tomorrow. You can’t plan ahead and block off your work schedule because you know that a certain day is going to be your retrieval and a certain other day is going to be your transfer. You just don’t know.
This would drive anyone who are self-proclaimed control freaks crazy. Imagine you mark your calendar with possible ER and possible ET. When those days come, you go to work as usual because the acronyms did not happen.
I feel like nothing much is growing inside my ovaries. I don’t have x-ray vision so there is no definitive way of knowing. However, I do know a thing or two about the correlation between estrogen and the amount of cervical fluid showing up. I know it’s TMI, but it has been as dry as a desert down in my lady bits. I think that’s a pretty good indicator of what is NOT happening in my ovaries, which is a bit discouraging to me. I have not been using my ovulation prediction kits. What’s the point? Five days ago my ovaries looked very quiet. I can’t imagine follicle growing and estrogen rising and my LH surging any time soon. I wonder if these thoughts of distrust of my ovaries actually make my ovaries go dormant. I guess if my mind has such power to sway my ovaries to a certain direction, I would’ve gotten pregnant a long time ago. Silly thoughts.
I have bumped into my pregnant coworker many times in the last few months. I usually sit away from her in the lunch room. Tomorrow is a birthday celebration of November birthdays including the pregnant coworker’s. I guess I will be sitting in the same room with her. I haven’t really talked to her but my Dear Colleague found out that this coworker is not going to have a girl so she won’t name her baby the exact name that I will name my boy. Phew. I have been okay with seeing her around. However, being in a stalled cycle makes it harder to be around a big baby bump.
The world around me continues to procreate. I continue to be stuck in my cycle. While I’m in this inactive state, my resolve to move onto something more attainable has become stronger. I don’t know when we can move away from this stalled cycle. What I do know is that my quest to have a baby using my own eggs will end in two more retrievals regardless of the outcome. This thought brings sadness and grief but strangely also comfort as closure to a chapter of our journey is near. After eight IVF attempts and seven retrievals, I can say that I have done enough to attempt to make a baby with my own eggs. At least this is the definition of “enough” in my book. I find myself continue to research and think about donor eggs and donor embryos. The more I think about it, the more I feel that having a baby to call my own is a lot more important than the genetic link. I am not saying that the sense of loss is not there. But my desires to carry and give birth to a baby are a lot stronger than that.
I usually have a plan for my posts. However, I didn’t know what I was going to write when I started typing this post. It’s a strange night and I felt like writing something. Thanks for reading and sharing my random thoughts about my journey. Maybe we’ll get a more definitive answer about this cycle at my ultrasound scan on Friday.