Random Thoughts During a Stalled Cycle

After such great momentum for two months, it feels so funny (as in strange, not funny haha) that my cycle has come to a screeching halt.  What cycle day is it today?  I lose track.  I only know that we should have completed our egg retrieval eight days ago.  I should have started estrogen priming by popping an Estrace daily starting today.

I should know this by now.  There is no should have in the land of infertility and in vitro fertilization.  You can’t possibly predict what will happen tomorrow.  You can’t plan ahead and block off your work schedule because you know that a certain day is going to be your retrieval and a certain other day is going to be your transfer.  You just don’t know.

This would drive anyone who are self-proclaimed control freaks crazy.  Imagine you mark your calendar with possible ER and possible ET.  When those days come, you go to work as usual because the acronyms did not happen.

How anti-climatic.

I feel like nothing much is growing inside my ovaries.  I don’t have x-ray vision so there is no definitive way of knowing.  However, I do know a thing or two about the correlation between estrogen and the amount of cervical fluid showing up.  I know it’s TMI, but it has been as dry as a desert down in my lady bits.  I think that’s a pretty good indicator of what is NOT happening in my ovaries, which is a bit discouraging to me.  I have not been using my ovulation prediction kits.  What’s the point?  Five days ago my ovaries looked very quiet.  I can’t imagine follicle growing and estrogen rising and my LH surging any time soon.  I wonder if these thoughts of distrust of my ovaries actually make my ovaries go dormant.  I guess if my mind has such power to sway my ovaries to a certain direction, I would’ve gotten pregnant a long time ago.  Silly thoughts.

I have bumped into my pregnant coworker many times in the last few months.  I usually sit away from her in the lunch room.  Tomorrow is a birthday celebration of November birthdays including the pregnant coworker’s.  I guess I will be sitting in the same room with her.  I haven’t really talked to her but my Dear Colleague found out that this coworker is not going to have a girl so she won’t name her baby the exact name that I will name my boy.  Phew.  I have been okay with seeing her around.  However, being in a stalled cycle makes it harder to be around a big baby bump.

The world around me continues to procreate.  I continue to be stuck in my cycle.  While I’m in this inactive state, my resolve to move onto something more attainable has become stronger.  I don’t know when we can move away from this stalled cycle.  What I do know is that my quest to have a baby using my own eggs will end in two more retrievals regardless of the outcome.  This thought brings sadness and grief but strangely also comfort as closure to a chapter of our journey is near.  After eight IVF attempts and seven retrievals, I can say that I have done enough to attempt to make a baby with my own eggs.  At least this is the definition of “enough” in my book.  I find myself continue to research and think about donor eggs and donor embryos.  The more I think about it, the more I feel that having a baby to call my own is a lot more important than the genetic link.  I am not saying that the sense of loss is not there.  But my desires to carry and give birth to a baby are a lot stronger than that.

I usually have a plan for my posts.  However, I didn’t know what I was going to write when I started typing this post.  It’s a strange night and I felt like writing something.  Thanks for reading and sharing my random thoughts about my journey.  Maybe we’ll get a more definitive answer about this cycle at my ultrasound scan on Friday.

Night!

Advertisements

30 thoughts on “Random Thoughts During a Stalled Cycle

  1. I was there just a few months ago. Two failed IVF cycles. Both due to estrogen levels falling. Tried different protocols, no luck. I came to the same exact conclusion, being a mother was more important. We went with donor eggs. I know that there will always be a little saddens because I couldn’t do it but the joy of a baby will trump that. I wish you the best of luck and will be thinking about you.

    Like

    • Thank you for sharing about your journey. Sorry you’re in the same situation but I just went over to your blog and see that your donor’s response and the fertilization were good! Fingers crossed for everything to go well with all the embryos. I will be following your journey.

      Like

  2. “This thought brings sadness and grief but also comfort and closure.” Yes! I felt the same way as we wound down to the end of egg retrievals, despite resolving to a different path than you for ‘if’ and ‘after.’ It’s a bittersweet thought, but after panting on the hamster wheel of uncertainty for so long, I totally understand the comfort of making a hard decision that is in your power about the end game.

    Like

    • Yup exactly. Although the internet ate your words here on this page, I saw your whole comment in my email. I love the description of panting on the hamster wheel of uncertainty. That’s exactly how I feel. I am so rooting for you! It’s time to get pregnant!

      Like

  3. I can totally relate to this post. After two years of trying with my own eggs and the terrible stress and potential devastation of this miracle first pregnancy, I also feel ready for donor eggs… I can’t keep on relying on and being disappointed by, my own body… I just can’t do it anymore and being a mother is far more than the genetic link. If we get bad news tomorrow we are also most likely moving on to donor eggs and whilst there is sadness in that there is also relief. However, you still have hope with those little frozen embryos of yours and I so hope one of them sticks!

    Like

  4. I’m so sorry that your life as you planned was halted. It sucks to be just sitting around waiting for something,..,…anything to happen. Life just seems to happen around our plans. I hope something happens for you soon

    Like

  5. I remember the days when I transitioned from “no way” to “what’s more important to me?” musings on donor eggs (I never considered donor embryos as we wanted baby two to have a genetic connection to our son). It’s a funny (not ha ha) time. If you ever want to chat about it my door is open. My email is on my about page. Meanwhile my heart and very best wishes go out to you in the here and now.

    Like

    • I am mainly considering donor eggs because of the genetic link to one of us. Thanks so much for the offer. I will make sure that I’ll reach out when/if the time comes. Thanks for the best wishes. Let’s see what my body does. 🙂 And hoping for more good news and a very uneventful pregnancy for you!

      Liked by 1 person

      • Of course I am hoping you end up with one (or more) live birth(s) with your own embryos – my apologies for not mentioning that. I hope for your sake none of your possible immune issues get in the way of that; had I known about or decided to listen to myself sooner when I first suspected mine I may never have ended up using DE either. Those days are gone and I accept that. I truly hope you have a much happier ending than I did with suspected but undiagnosed immune issues. I really want your eventual tranafer to work and all of this to become a vague memory. 🙂

        Like

  6. Oh, I echo all these other women. It is a hard transition, but there is so much peace in letting go. I hope with all my heart that you don’t need to follow up on all that research. But if you do, I’ll be right by your side.

    Like

  7. I think its such an important realization to know your “enough” and there is definitely a process to grieving and letting go of a particular dream. That said, with our recent decisions to change course, we have really learned that there is something very empowering about realizing that it is time to let go and move on to a new course.
    Wishing you all the best whatever it is you decide to do.

    Like

    • Thank you! Yeah our decision has been a long time in making. We went from no IVF, to IVF, to many cycles of IVF, to no donor eggs, to donor eggs. We just can’t possibly dump so much money into treatment that really may not result in a live baby. Thank you so much for your support.

      Liked by 1 person

  8. Honestly, I think this is exactly how you should feel before moving on to donor eggs. Like you’ve done all you can, and you’re ready to move on if it doesn’t work. Having the plan of DE in place (even if all the specifics weren’t even close to being worked out yet) after our last failed IVF helped to ease the sting a lot. I know you’re not there yet, and hopefully it won’t come to that, but know that a lot of us have been in that same boat and we’ll be here for you if it’s needed.

    Like

  9. I love random thoughts and random conversations 🙂 I’m sorry that you are “stuck” but I’m trusting in the Lord that all things will work out perfectly! He has amazing plans for you and I know that for whatever reason this cycle didn’t work out as we had hoped, God still has a plan to make it all good. Love ya sugars! xo

    Like

  10. I hate that you are in this frustrating situation. But what is there to do but live in the moment and find acceptance somehow? I think if there is anything I have learned from my journey that is it. It is an illusion to think that a future event will justify the experiences of the present. We just have to accept them for what they are. But I do hope that one way or another, there is a baby in your future soon. With all the skills and grace you have cultivated, you will be an amazing mom.

    Like

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s