Fear, Panic, and Relief

My luteal phase was a totally of sixteen days.  Honestly it was a bit of a torture.  In a cycle where you know that the chance of a pregnancy is zero, a 16-day luteal phase is inhumanely long.  On the 15th day after retrieval, I felt that my muscles were very tense.  It didn’t matter how I tried to relax, I was tense.  My basal body temperature was below cover line which indicated the imminent arrival of AF.  However, there was no sign of blood.  The early morning of the 16th day after retrieval, I woke up extra early and started having fears.  I started to think: what if my period doesn’t come?  What if my period takes forever to come?  What if because of its late arrival that there isn’t enough time to do a retrieval and transfer in December before the clinic closes on December 21st?  As I lay there, my mind was going crazy, making wild guesses of what might happen if my period delayed coming.  Then I thought of what I have been learning at my bible study.  This year we have been studying the life of Moses and how God miraculously led the Israelites out of Egypt by parting the Red Sea for them.  The Israelites quickly forgot God’s power and deliverance and grumbled and complained about the lack of water and the lack of food.  Am I not like the Israelites?  God has been faithful and been showing us His power and might by giving us the last two cycles that were like miracles to me.  We JUST finished with a cycle that ended up with two good embryos on day two.  How could I forget so quickly that God always provides, always has a plan, and is sovereign?  With that thought, I prayed for my trust in Him.  I got up and went to bootcamp.  Still no signs of blood.  I was talking to Bob in the car about how I should put my trust in the Lord and learn NOT to be like the Israelites.  Once I stepped into the house after the work out, I felt something warm and knew that AF had indeed arrived.  What a shame for not trusting the Lord for being in control of every single detail of my life.

Where did the panic come from?  Well, after I reported cycle day one to my clinic, a letter from the billing department was emailed to me.  It included the fee schedule for this cycle, which was quoted over $1000 higher than what we had been paying.  When I got it, I was immediately panicking.  I was very upset that there was a rate hike.  I  quickly sent Bob a message to let him know and he started panicking and getting upset.  I mean… we can afford the extra $1000.  But everything is tight.  We have been trying so hard to save up money for donor egg cycles so every single dollar counts.  We have already paid out a lot of money to make this baby.  Any extra amount would just stir a huge emotional reaction from us.  I emailed the billing coordinator and asked for an explanation.  Then I read the letter and the itemized fee schedule in more details.  It actually stated that it was for a fresh mini-IVF cycle with ICSI, embryo thaw, and transfer.  But we are NOT doing a transfer this month.  I realized that there was miscommunication between my nurse and the billing coordinator.  Bob was very relieved that we didn’t have to pay that extra $1000.   Indeed when I went in for my baseline appointment today, I paid the original amount that was the same as the previous two cycles.  I was happy that I caught the error.

However, we were happy too soon.  Tonight I got another email from the patient coordinator saying that the fees that I have been paying for the last two cycles and this cycle have been misquoted by the billing coordinator.  She erroneously quoted an amount that was $563 less than what we were supposed to pay.  In other words, we owe the clinic $563 for each cycle, which comes to a total of $1689.  The patient coordinator said that the amount she gave me in August was the right one.  The subsequent amount that I was asked to pay was wrong.  How would I know?  Every time I went in, I just paid whatever amount that I was asked for.  I would have no idea that it wasn’t the right amount.  It’s just wrong that we’re paying for the mistake that they made.  No wonder so many online reviews trash the billing department at this clinic.  Imagine those people who can only save up just enough money for these cycles and all of a sudden are asked to pay up extra because of the mistakes of the clinic.  But out panic shows that we still don’t put our 100% trust in the Lord that He will provide and that ultimately everything will be fine.  Like I said, money matter stirs up a lot of raw emotions.

Anyhow, to end on a happy note, my scan went very well.  This was the first time that Bob couldn’t come to a scan with me ever since we switched clinic.  I am very grateful that he has been able to come, so I was okay with him staying at work.  I like it that it was the nurse practitioner that has been doing all of my monitoring scans.  Very relieved to see NO cysts anywhere on my ovaries.  The antral follicle count has been the same for this cycle as the last two cycles: one on the right and three on the left.  I saw Dr. No Nonsense in the hallway.  I told him about the scan and he gave me a high five.  Never high-fived an RE before.  I started 100mg of Cl.omid tonight.  The 7th IVF cycle begins.  Let’s see if the follicles will do their magic.