May Just Be One

Today is cycle day 8, which means we had our first scan after five days of Cl.omid.  The results: 12mm on the right, 7mm, 7mm, 7mm on the left.  Lining was 6mm.

Compared to last cycle, the progression looked similar as we had a 14mm, 11mm, 9mm, and 9mm.  So I thought we were all good to go with four measurable follicles that we could work with.  I was a bit nervous going in and I was glad that there were four, although the left ones are a bit small.

Dr. No Nonsense called me personally.  His prognosis for this cycle is not as optimistic as I had hoped.  First thing he said was that we had only one follicle.  I questioned that and asked about the three on the left.  His idea is that this cycle is different from the last one.  The three on the left are quite small.  They may or may not catch up. And it does not help right now to give them a boost because they are too small to work with.

He asked, “Are you going to proceed with the cycle or do you want to cancel?”

I honestly can’t answer that question.

The current plan is to wait for the next scan which will happen in two days.  We will take a look at the follicles and see if the smaller ones decide to pick up the pace.  I know that Dr. No Nonsense knows a lot more about these cycles than I do.  So if he thinks that those three little ones are too small to catch up, he’s probably right.  But I have to think that God knows everything that the doctor doesn’t know.  If it’s in God’s will for these little ones to catch up, then they will catch up.

Nevertheless, I was feeling quite disappointed when I got the news.  I thought that we were good to go just like last time.

I remember what my therapist told me.  To get over negative emotions, change what I do.  I got up, walked outside to the warm sun, and got an iced coffee from Sta.rbucks.  On my way there, I prayed for peace and wisdom for the next step.  And I prayed for God to allow those three follicles to grow if that’s His will.

I feel so much better now.  I am still slightly disappointed, which I think is normal.

I am sure if we only had one follicle and one embryo last cycle, I would’ve proceeded with it without being disappointed.  All along our goal has been to have one good egg and one good embryo.  This perspective changed after a very successful cycle last time.  Once you have tasted success, it’s hard to settle for mediocrity.  However, is one follicle really mediocre?  I have to ask myself that question.  What is my goal here?  Do I aim at one good egg and one good embryo or as many eggs/embryos as possible?  If I believe that God has already planned a perfect number of eggs and a perfect number of embryos for us, I have to act on that confidence and faith rather than wavering.

I will discuss with Bob tonight about the next steps and figure out what we’re comfortable with.  I am so happy with Bob as my life partner.  He’s not disappointed.  He’s my rock when I need comfort the most.  He reacted in such an encouraging way that I am so grateful having him by my side with these decision making moments.

May the will of the Lord be done.

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22 thoughts on “May Just Be One

  1. i just wanted to let you know that i was in the EXACT same boat as you and i felt pressured to just do it (all that time and money and meds etc)- but i regret doing it- it was a bust and it just made me so sad.
    whatever you do is your right and you are right to do what you want, but i do wish i had just stopped the cycle and converted to a IUI

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    • Thanks so much for sharing your experience, and sorry for the bust. We had experienced something similar before: one cycle we had one follicle only and decided to convert it IUI. It was a bust. The following cycle we still had only 1 follicle, and we decided to proceed. And that resulted in a chemical pregnancy. Every single step of the way is a gamble. And it’s so tough to make a decision. Given my history of having one follicle, the previous cycle of 3 embryos was almost too good to be true. So I have to take into account what my history is and how much better could I do if I cancel this one and wait another cycle. There’s no easy answer. But thanks for the support. 🙂 I don’t know where you are in your journey but I wish you all the best as this path to baby is not easy. ❤

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  2. I am in a similar boat for this cycle. I have decided that it only takes one egg ( maybe we will get lucky and it will be 2 or 3). My retrieval is tomorrow. Our clinic uses Follistim as a stim, do you know why you use Clomid? Always curious for different cycle protocol… Best luck on this cycle and your decision.

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    • Hi thanks for commenting. I was on injectibles for my first four conventional IVF cycles and had only one embryo or no embryo to work with each cycle. So we decided to pursue mini-IVF because it’s cheaper and aim at one follicle, one egg, and one embryo only. That’s why we decided on Clomid as I didn’t respond well to injectibles anyways. We got lucky last cycle with 4 mature eggs and 3 embryos on Clomid. Thanks for your well wishes and good luck with your retrieval tomorrow. I hope that you get more than one egg. ❤

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  3. I don’t know which way to lean on this. I really hope the smaller follicles catch up so you have more eggs, but at the same time you could have on amazing egg right now. I have everything crossed for you sand know that you will make the best decision for you

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  4. I can’t help but think that “this one” might be your champion. Do you remember that post I recently did about God having barren women in the Bible give birth to champions? Praying for you as always girlie! xo

    waitingforbabybird.com

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