Random Thoughts

A bunch of random thoughts and things that may or may not have anything to do with infertility.

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I started Cl.omid two nights ago.  I was feeling a bit off yesterday.  A bit jittery.  100mg of Cl.omid is considered high dosage for oral meds, especially for ladies with diminished ovarian reserve who have high FSH and are pursuing mini or natural IVF.  Dr. Y said that he’d put me on nothing or at most 25mg of Cl.omid.  Since I am under Dr. No Nonsense’s care, I have to trust him on his protocol.  Other than feeling a bit off and nervous, I haven’t gone too crazy yet.  Good news for Bob.

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My cousin got married last October.  His wife just gave birth two days ago.  I found out from people’s congratulatory FB posts that kept popping up on my newsfeed.  My first reaction was to go to my cousin’s page and unfollow him.  Solely for self preservation.

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My dear mother called me two nights ago to tell me about my cousin’s baby.  My first thought: “Why the heck do you call me?  Don’t you know that I don’t want to know?”  What I actually said: “I knew already.  I read it on FB.”  We chitchatted for a little.  I clearly did not show any interest in knowing more about this new baby.  We hung up.  My husband then said, “I don’t approve of your relationship with your mother” meaning, “Why did you not tell her that you’d rather not talk about it?”   I think it’s a waste of time to tell my mom not to mention anything about my cousin’s baby.  I don’t think she’ll ever understand so why come clean?

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The front desk lady at UCSF at my baseline appointment was trying to collect the fees for a brand new cycle from me.  I was like, Uh no lady, I paid before my previous cycle got cancelled.  It shows how disorganized the clinic could be.

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I still can’t talk to my pregnant coworker.  I say Hi.  That’s it.  Not that we were friends to begin with.  But now I can’t even open my mouth to say more than just Hi.  I have no interest in engaging in any sort of conversation with her.

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Due to my unacceptable weight gain, I have decided and am determined to stay away from sweets.  I have also decided to go to every single bootcamp class without skipping so I can maintain moderate exercise three times a week.

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September 1st marked the beginning of our 33rd month of trying to conceive.  It’s a little tiring to think that some people could have already given birth to one child and be pregnant with/have given birth to another child in a span of 33 months.  I am tired of this.  Bob is tired of this.  Sometimes I just want to move onto donor egg IVF cycle.  I think Bob feels the same way.

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It’s very interesting that I am not at all jealous of my pastor’s wife.  She is currently pregnant with her third child.  She is young, in her late 20s.  Her first pregnancy was easy.  Then she tried for two years for her second child.  I don’t blame her for wanting to try for her third child quickly.  I am actually happy that she did not have to wait two more years to conceive number three.  Lately we’ve become better friends and would chat when we see each other at church.  I am sure she does not know about my struggles because I don’t think our pastor, her husband, would’ve shared with her without our prior consent.  I stand next to her at church and have no problem chatting with her with her big belly right in front of my face.  She just posted a few pictures of her maternity shoot with her two children.  Not only did I not hide the photos, I clicked “like” because I truly do like them.  I am so glad I don’t feel envious.

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My in-laws are unbelievable people.  Bob talks to them weekly on Sky.pe.  Every week his mother asks for money.  We give them a lump sum every year.  It’s an Asian thing.  I do the same with my mother although not as much money as we give to Bob’s parents.  When Bob lost his job, he informed his parents that he would have to delay giving them money until he finds a new job and starts accumulating the savings again.  Ever since he got a job again, his mother has been pushing for the money to be sent.  Last week there was an earthquake around our area.  My mom called.  My friends called.  Everyone was concerned and relieved that we were okay.  That night Bob talked to his parents.  He told them about the earthquake.  They did not ask him if we were okay.  All his mother asked for was money again.  After the phone call, Bob expressed his frustration with them.  They just don’t show that they care much.  It is so sad.

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I wrote the majority of this post yesterday.  I am still feeling sane with Cl.omid.  Definitely good news for Bob.  Hope everyone had a great hump day!

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15 thoughts on “Random Thoughts

    • It’s an Asian thing. You’re expected to take care of your parents. The expectation switches with each parents. With my parents, the money we give them is symbolic. For Bob’s parents, they want a pretty big chunk of money to help with their expenses. I am all for helping and taking care of parents. But would appreciate it if they at least show a little bit of love and care to their one and only son. Sometimes they make it sound like everything is about money, which makes me mad.

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  1. Good luck on your new cycle! I totally get the money thing. It’s frustrating! You want to help your parents, but at the same time it can get out of hand.

    I haven’t followed people yet, but I have turned off notifications to specific baby posts.

    It’s great that you can talk with your pastor’s wife. I’m dreading the day when my SIL announces they’re pregnant again.

    Xo

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    • Thank you!

      Yeah like I said. It’s an Asian thing. I am Asian. Bob is Asian. So I get it. But sometimes his parents focus a little bit too much on the money part, which makes me mad.

      How do you turn off notifications to baby posts? I have been just closing the posts by clicking on “I don’t want to see this”.

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      • On your newsfeed, there’s a little arrow on the top right corner of each post. You can select “I don’t want to see this”. Sometimes, I “like” announcements, and I turn off the notification by going to the globe on the top right of the page, then when you hover over a notification, there’s an “x” that appears. Just click that and the notifications will be off.

        Hope that helps!

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  2. You know how I feel about Bob’s parents. I feel like I can take particular umbrage as my in-laws are from the neighboring state. We don’t give them money, but my guess is they’d like us too. Or maybe they’re too Americanized from their 30 years here. But we’re still bound their cultural norms in their own way.

    You saw my post today, I’m sure, but sometimes I just get so mad at the unfairness of it all, and I’m definitely mad for you too. It’s so frustrating. Jane’s post about elite status really struck a chord with me. People who have it easy just won’t understand how hard it is to turn that calendar page every month with nothing to show for it but a lot of disappointment. The day to day isn’t usually bad (although sometimes it is), but the passage of time is so hard. All the “I can’t believe she’s two now/he’s five nows” are hard.

    It’s so scary–there are so many variables and we’re all just trying to find the one that will work for us. I’m sorry that your clinic seems a tad disorganized, but I hope you don’t lose confidence in your doctor. I’m glad the Clomid isn’t causing you to go too crazy.

    Hang in there, friend.

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  3. I definitely found that the longer I was at the infertility process, the harder and harder it became to be around random pregnant people / new babies, unless they were very close friends or relatives who were sensitive to what I was going through. It sucks so much that IF can not only suck away happiness for yourself, but for others.

    Also, Bob’s parents are insufferable. I can’t help it. It doesn’t seem like they add any value to your lives, and instead just make it harder. You’re a saint for putting up with them.

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  4. I totally understand not talking to your mom about how you feel – sometimes it is just easier to deal with it than trying to explain the complicated reality of infertility. Sometimes it really is just too damn exhausting, especially after so much time dealing with this. Hugs, xoxo!

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  5. Glad the clomid isn’t driving you completely crazy!
    As far as your cousin goes, do whatever you need tondo for your self preservation. Isn’t it funny how some pregnant people don’t bother us and others we just can’t handle? That is awesome that you are okay with your pastor’s wife!
    You and your husband are truly amazing people! I am glad you both are okay and no harm came to you during the earthquake. I admire how kind you are to your husband’s parents and how patient you are with both sets of parents!
    33 months is too long! I hope and pray you are pregnant soon! Sending you a hug!

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  6. Same here with pregnant people- in general it really doesn’t bother me that much, but there are certain people that just bring it out! I have gotten much better at just letting it go. Slide off my back like the $ slides out of our pockets in this process! On the parents side I am just the opposite, my parents actually offered to give us some $ toward the IVF, which we are very thankful for. Good luck with the clomid!

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  7. Love that you got your random thoughts out. I feel like my life is nothing but random thoughts some times. Some of yours are ones I’ve had too, especially frustration at trying for so long (friend gave birth twice before I did) and dealing with other people. Although thankfully I was more condescending than bitter about a cousin who had a surprise pregnancy and spoke about wanting #2 next September so they’d need to try in December. I guess if you’ve never “tried”, you don’t know that it can take time.

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  8. Praying for you sugars and this cycle. On a side note, I had never heard of the Asian tradition to give parents money. I think it is neat but I would be like you and just want some appreciation or something in return.

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  9. You sound like you are handling everything in stride. I hid MANY MANY people on FB and I am only now starting to unhide their posts. And there was a girl 5 years ago at work who got pregnant with her first (while we were starting to unsuccessfully try for our second but before I was diagnosed with NHL) and she and her belly were in my face EVERY 5 minutes. I would go to the bathroom and she’d be in it. I’d go to the office and she would swing around, giggling. UGH. Then, after I finished chemo and radiation, I started back to work and found out she was pregnant again. With twins.

    Anyway, keep on keeping on! Eyes on the prize…. XXOO

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