“Ursula”

So… Our cycle is cancelled.

I have maintained a very positive attitude in the last couple of days.  My dear coworker asked me what I would like the outcome to be for today’s baseline appointment.  I said, I don’t care how many follicles we have; I’ll be happy as long as we don’t have a cyst.

Well, guess what?  A big one was found on the the left side.

I should’ve known.  That seems to be my pattern.  Whenever I spot for a long period of time in the beginning of a cycle, there is always a cyst the following cycle.  It happened last month.  I spotted for ten days and ovulation was late.

UCSF is very different from Dr. E’s boutique clinic.  You don’t get to see the same person every time. You don’t get to see your own doctor.  We arrived and paid for our cycle.  Then we waited for 35 minutes before we got called back.  I was anxious about the time because I needed to get back to my work to see my last client of the day.  The nurse did not introduce herself.  She called my name.  I got up.  She then said, Let’s go.  I don’t know.  She wasn’t rude.  But she wasn’t the friendliest.  In the exam room, she told me to undress from the waist down and left.  I was thinking… what if this is my first ever cycle?  It would have been the most impersonal experience ever.  After a couple of minutes, this doctor came in.  She said her name so fast that I didn’t catch it.  I figure I probably won’t see much of her, so it’s okay.   She measured my lining, which was 5.6.  Then she asked, Did you know that you have a fibroid?  She measured that too.  She proceeded to the right ovary.  It had two follicles.  Then the left ovary.  She discovered this big cyst.  She asked if this is something that I’ve always had.  I explained that I have it once in a while.  At that point, my heart sank and I knew that we’d cancel this cycle.  Every single time there was a cyst, my cycle got cancelled.  It happened twice already.  I mean… it always gets resolved so I am not worried about it not going away.

Nevertheless, I am very disappointed.  I have had great momentum going into this cycle.  I was really ready to move on.  And now… the cycle came to a screeching halt.  The doctor saw another small follicle on the left and couldn’t proceed with the scan because of the view being blocked by the evil cyst.

I actually almost cried there.  But I held my tear back.  The doctor went to talk to the doctor of the week (instead of my own RE) and said that if it’s not a persistent cyst, then we’ll cancel the cycle.  I wasn’t surprised… but it was still disappointing to hear.  She then said that she’ll confirm with Dr. No Nonsense and give me a call.

I went back to work disappointed.  But I had to put on my game face because I still had a client.  Bob was sweet.  He was saying all the right things when we walked back to my work.  But I still felt like crying.  At 5pm, the doctor who did the scan called and confirmed with Dr. No Nonsense of the cycle cancellation.  No surprise there.

Elisha is such a sweet heart.  This is what she wrote to me when she found out:

“I know how disappointed and discouraged you must feel because I have had several cycles cancelled in the past.  But the one thing I have learned since that time is to verbally say, ‘I don’t understand, but I trust you God.’  Just keep affirming your trust in Him and those thoughts of fear, doubt, worry, and discouragement will slowly fade away as you are reminding yourself that He is in control and can see the bigger picture. ”

Thanks girl!

And what does it all have to do with Ursula?  Well, the brilliant Jane Allen asked what I was going to name my cyst this time… since every time I named my cyst, it seemed to go away.  She suggested Ursula because it’s a dreadful name.  I think it’s very fitting!  Whatever her name is, I just want her to go away and not ever come back…

Instead of telling myself not to be disappointed, I am going to experience it and then let it go.  But yeah… we’re going to go back to old fashioned way of making a baby this time.

(Thanks everyone for your well wishes.  We’ll try again next month.)