It’s Been a Year

I knew that my one year blogoversary was coming up. I knew that I wanted to write something on the day.  The weekend came and the weekend was gone.  I woke up groggy and did not go to boot camp.  I was not completely myself and forgot.  WordPress then reminded me that I started blogging one year ago.

A year ago, on a Sunday afternoon, after lurking and stalking everyone in the blog world for a couple of years, I felt the urge to have my own space, to talk about my own journey, to comment on other people’s blogs, and to make connections with those who might know what I was going through and how I felt.  I didn’t know what to expect and didn’t think anyone would be interested in what I wanted to say.

And then I found all of you.  Or you found me.  Whichever way it was, that afternoon, the little voice in my head and the little fire in my heart helped me make one of the best decisions I have ever made in my life.

So I just want to share my sincere appreciation for all of you who have read my words, commented on my posts, given me advice, listened to my rants, cheered for my successes, mourned my losses, prayed with me and for me, walked side by side with me on the worst day of my life, and encouraged me to pick myself up and try again.

I know I would’ve survived the last year without this blog, but my quality of life would’ve been so much worse.  And because of you continuing to read and comment, it motivates me to continue to document my journey because I feel like it will matter to someone out there.

A year ago, we were about to embark on our IVF journey at the end of the  month.  I was wondering how Bob’s and my life would be different if I had lasted a year writing this blog.  I was imagining being pregnant or about to be giving birth.  I was being positive and thinking positive.

Fast forward a year.  We are not pregnant.  We don’t have a baby in our arms.  So did we not gain something in this past year?

I have definitely made gains this past year.  Intellectually, I know my situation and I understand it a lot more than one year ago.  I know that the diagnosis of diminished ovarian reserve is no joke. It’s a cruel diagnosis.  Even the most advance technology in the reproductive science field cannot help with many cases like mine.  I know how I respond to meds.  I know it doesn’t matter high stims or low stims.  I get one embryo.  Or no embryos at all.  I didn’t have this knowledge last year.  I was anxious to try and was hoping that my body would be against the odds.  A year has passed and I just know that I am no different from the majority of the women with DOR.  It’s good to know, so we can have closure and move onto the next step.  It’s good to learn about your own individual case and be realistic about the odds.  I have a clearer direction as to the path that may lead to a forever baby for us rather than how we were one year ago, hoping to be one of the lucky ladies that proved “It only takes one”.  I am a lot more open to egg donation and am seriously considering the possibility of it if trying with our own eggs doesn’t work in the end.  So yes.  I am better off than a year ago.

Spiritually, I’ve also learned that God is in control.  Not the doctors.  Not myself.  God is.  Everything is in God’s timing.  Even though I am not pregnant yet and don’t have a baby yet, God is the one who makes the supernatural possible.  Yes, I believe that the supernatural needs to happen for me to have a baby.  And I have seen numerous times in the past year that the supernatural and miracles do happen.  I am looking at all of my DOR blog friends who are pregnant or even have given birth.  You know who you are.  I feel tremendous joy for you that miracles have happened.  There is hope for the supernatural to happen in our household here.  In what or whom am I putting my trust and hope?  My answer is God.  Even through my loss and the darkest time in my life, the Lord came through and lifted me up.  He has shown me repeatedly that He is there to wipe my tears and pick up my broken pieces.  For that, I am grateful that my eyes are open to the Lord that has always been there for me.

I am also grateful that I have not become more bitter.  In fact, I am getting slowly better with being around pregnant women, hearing baby news, and holding newborn babies.  I am in general feeling more liberated than one year ago.  In about a week, I am about to attend a baby shower and a baby party.  I can’t tell you the last time I went to one of either.  But I am going to try.  And I think I will be okay.  So I feel that I have matured in the past year.  Do I still feel jealous at times?  You bet you.  Am I being able to come out of it and go back to being okay?  I can confidently say Yes.  So this is the blessing that God has granted me after so many months of prayers.

There are still so many unknowns in the future.  One thing I know is that I will continue blogging.  This space has given me the kind of connection that I can’t find anywhere else.  I want to write and I want to update you on what’s going on with me.  I hope I will continue to have a voice in this space in a year’s time to write a post about my second year blogging.  And I hope that by then our little binky  moongee will be growing inside me (of course without the binky yet) and will soon debut to the world.  I am holding onto that hope.  Maybe then the blog should be renamed “In Quest of Another Binky Moongee”.