Emotionally, that is.
I like that place. I really do.
Ever since my chemical pregnancy, I definitely had a setback with my quest to feel peace, love, and joy for other people’s pregnancies and newborn babies. Their sight bugged me. I hated how I felt and reacted. I know it is typical and common for us to feel this way at times. It’s for self preservation. But… I missed that period of time before my pregnancy that I was feeling good for other people.
Recently, I arrived at that good place again.
Let’s start with all the ladies that had recently given birth or were about to give birth. They are mostly people I know from church.
I talked about some of them here. About two weeks ago, I saw one of them sitting somewhere not too far from me, looking nice and slim from behind. She was the one who tried for many years and somehow became pregnant right before she signed the papers for the adoption agency. Somehow something clicked in my heart and urged me to go talk to her after service. And I did. I immediately went up to her, tapped on her shoulder, and told her that she did not look pregnant from behind. But in fact, she was about to give birth in two weeks. We chatted about her pregnancy, her scheduled C-section because of the baby’s breech position, and how she had to arrange her work schedule for maternity. I was sitting there listening to her and did not feel any jealousy at all. I wasn’t even thinking about how I was feeling. I was genuinely engrossed in that conversation with her. Afterwards, I realized that I stood next to her, talked with her, without feeling bad or repulsed. Such a liberating feeling!
The following week, I was a greeter and again saw a number of women who just gave birth or who were about to. The girl that I chatted with the previous week walked by uncomfortably. I hugged her and checked in with her. My heart again was fine. When I went around the church to take attendance (part of the duty of a greeter), I walked into the family room and saw that one of the ladies was nursing her newborn. She was the one who gave birth at 43 to her third child after struggling to get pregnant for a while. I had avoided her in the past many months. When I walked in and saw her, my first reaction was not to flee. I actually knelt down, took a good look at the baby for the first time, and asked her some questions. I walked out of that room feeling fine.
That’s such an improvement for me! I am loving the grace and mercy that God has shown me and allowed me to have as I am spared of the usual jealousy that crept back into my life after my own pregnancy loss. Even Bob commented on how good of a job I was doing when I “liked” the picture of my church friend’s newborn baby after her C-section last Wednesday.
This has extended to my feelings for my friends in the blogging community. Recently, there is a surge in the BFPs for many of my blog friends after their own struggles for years and years. And there is a discussion of survivor guilt and what to do with one’s blog after one finally becomes pregnant. By the grace of God, I have been able to feel joy and excitement for all of you girls. Isn’t that a wonderful thing? It’s not my own strength or doing. All of this comes from the Lord for answering my daily prayers and plea to be full of love and free of jealousy. Thank you Lord for answering my prayers.
I would love to continue feeling this way, celebrating others’ pregnancies and newborns without feeling jealous. I know that it won’t be accomplished without daily prayers to the Lord for Him to sustain me. I love being in this good place. I hope this will be my permanent destiny… although I know that I may slip back in the future some time, I am confident that I will eventually come back here, with God’s help.
For those who are finally pregnant, congratulations! Can’t be happier for you ladies. I hope that you’ll all have the most uneventful, textbook perfect pregnancies ever. 🙂