That Lonely Feeling

Today, I feel lonely.  Lonely in this world of pregnancy announcements, pregnancy news and updates, sight of pregnant women, newborn babies, and successful adoptions.  Lonely even in the world of my fellow real life friends, online friends, and blogger friends who finally, after waiting for a very long time themselves for those two lines, or that phone call/email about a potential adoption, or the delivery of their newborn rainbow babies.  I am happy for them, but I still feel lonely.  Today.

Especially when my body is not cooperating and my basal body temperature continues to stay below the cover line.  There is no ovulation in sight on Cycle Day 29.

Especially when my friends start to talk about trying for number two or three.

Especially when one by one, my secret Face.book friends have a “baby boom” and have gotten a BFP one after another.

I cheer them on.  But I hurt deep down inside.

Not so much that I want them to suffer any longer.  Not that I envy them that it came so easy, because it didn’t come easy.

For one, she lost two babies and finally could try to get pregnant once she started to have health insurance coverage.  I can’t imagine what goes through her mind right now.  Probably terrified to see what her beta number will turn out and has a mix of elation and anxiety of whether or not this baby will survive.  You’re robbed of the joy and innocence when the false hope fools you repeatedly.  But I am feeling lonely in that world of congratulations and those two lines that get darker and darker each day.

It took another friend 4.5 years to have her first child.  It has taken another three years to get this fresh BFP, out of the blue, when she is taking a break from fertility treatment.

I am happy for her.  I really am.  But at the same time, I feel lonely.  That yet another friend gets her BFP.  One after another, I am becoming one of the only few people who don’t have children or who aren’t currently pregnant in this group.

That is such a lonely feeling.

Today, the unknown is killing me.

Right before Christmas, a coworker of mine finally got engaged after dating her long time boyfriend of seven to eight years.  You know what my first thought was?  Oh no, I don’t want her to get pregnant before I do!  It’s such a shameful thing that my mind went straight to making a baby and was not thinking about the joy that she has of finally becoming engaged and planning a wedding.  I thought of myself and how I would react if she got pregnant right away.  I didn’t have enough faith that my time would come even before she walks down the aisle.  

That made me feel lonely and silly to think that someone who hasn’t even gotten married would get pregnant before I do.

A week ago, one of the girls in the Bible study group that I lead emailed me to notify me that she is no longer going to attend because she recently discovered that she is expecting and she has been very tired.  This is the second lady in my group who has gotten pregnant in the last year.  It was such a happy news but again, I felt lonely.  

Of course I don’t expect myself to feel good every single day.  It’s in my constant prayers that I have peace and strength to go through everyday.  I am confident that I will feel fine again.  Maybe tomorrow.  But today, I am lonely in this world of fertility and struggles.  

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29 thoughts on “That Lonely Feeling

  1. We were still in the throes of infertility when my sister got engaged (she is 8 years younger than me). I remember thinking “man, I hope she doesn’t get pregnant before we do”.
    ((((HUGS)))

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      • Most definitely not. In fact, my best friend and her husband were always people who said they didn’t want kids. They decided to “try”, like, twice, and she got pregnant. Man, I was so angry. Not at her personally but the situation. I had to remove myself from her for awhile because I couldn’t stop thinking about how unfair it was that I have wanted kids for years and was unable to have them, while she didn’t really want them and boom, pregnant on the first shot. That was hard.

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  2. i know how you feel. It seems like some days you go along doing okay and then bam…you start to worry, fear, doubt, become lonely…the list goes on. I know you know this but always turn to God during those times…go to Him alone in a secret place and just cry. Tell Him how you feel so that He can then wrap His arms around you. He longs of us to come to Him. He waits for us. I actually did this tonight. I went to the grocery store real quick but decided I needed a quick cry. on the way home I drove around aimlessly just telling Him how I felt. I told Him what I needed (not a baby, but peace and strength). By the time I got back home I was better. But I know that tomorrow when I wake up, I will have to go to Him again for peace and strength…”Give usTHIS day, our daily bread.” He gives us just what we need for each day so that we are constantly depending on Him and needing Him. love ya girlie and I’m praying for you.

    waitingforbabybird.com

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    • OH wow. I am so sorry that you had a bad day as well. Glad you took the chance and went to the Lord first and cried out to Him. It’s so true that every single day we have to ask for peace and strength as we are weak. Thanks for the love and prayers.

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      • It wasn’t so much a bad day…I just could tell the “symptoms” of one arising and if I didn’t just cry it out and go to Him first…it would have turned ugly. LOL! I’m sure you know what I mean 🙂

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  3. Hugs, Isabelle. I know how this feels all too well, as you watch others move on when you’re standing still. Some days it’s better, and some days it’s unbearable.

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  4. Hugs. Some days are just harder than others. And I think feeling ashamed for your own feelings makes you feel even more alone – at least that’s how it often goes for me. Thinking of you, and hoping that there will be better days soon.

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  5. It is very isolating. That is so normal and common. I’m sorry you’re hurting. I’m here struggling with the unknown and feeling left behind with you, so you’re not really alone! Xo

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  6. I totally get it. It’s not that I don’t want these people to have the good fortune life is blessing them with, just that I’m beyond fed up about it never being my turn. A long-time single friend of mine started a relationship last year and seems really happy, which is great. But every time I hear from her I panic that she’s going to tell me she’s pregnant and it’s just not ‘her turn’.

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  7. I know that feeling well- the Im happy for you, but sad for me feeling. Its perfectly okay to feel. Sending you love and warmth. I hope you don’t feel as alone knowing that you aren’t the only one with those feelings!

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  8. I know exactly how you’re feeling, with pregnancies and in other areas too. You know you shouldn’t compare yourself to others but its so hard to avoid. It sneaks up on you. Even when you do realize it, you don’t feel any better. For me, I just always have to trudge through days like that in faith that I’m where God wants me. If it lasts longer than a few days, find someone to talk to about it. My church small group friends (who all had first and even second babies before us) are great for that.
    You aren’t alone. Praying this mood goes away immediately!

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  9. I’m so difficult to put on that happy face when you’re dying inside, isn’t it You aren’t alone, friend- I know 11 pregnant women right now. NOT including my online blogging friends. It’s really tough, and as much as I want happiness for them to be the dominant emotion, all I can think about is what a dismal failure my body has been for the last three years. Sending love and hugs… this journey is a tough one, and I’m so glad that we have each other to lean on.

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  10. It is so hard – and I think the emotions lay dormant for a while to spring up when you hear a mention of a life event for someone you know. It may not even be related to pregnancy, but for me it’s always a trigger that time has gone by and I’m still stuck in this place. Sending you hugs and light for a better day tomorrow. Oh and my body is totally tricking me on the ovulation front as well, so with you on that fun.

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  11. Oh Isabelle, I’m sorry that you are having one of those days. It’s so hard to always remain upbeat and optimistic and happy for everyone around you getting what you want. While we wait on the sidelines in an endless waiting game with an uncertain timeline. You know, of course, that you’re not alone. But sometimes the loneliness is overwhelming. We’re here for you. And fingers crossed that your body starts to cooperate and you can move forward. In the meantime, you’re in my thoughts!

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  12. I’m so sorry you are feeling this way. It comes and goes for me as well and some days it’s just so lonely I feel like I am the odd person left out in a room full of people. And I’m sure you know all of us going through this feels the same way but it doesn’t comfort you at times. I hope you get out of this ‘funk’ (i call it) soon AND you get your LH surge soon too. Prayers and thoughts your way!

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  13. It can be so lonely, can’t it? I started a new job 9 months ago. In my department of fewer than 30 people, there have been 7 pregnancies and babies! It’s INSANE. That’s on top of the stupid Facebook pregnancy announcements (stupid Facebook!) But you’re not alone. There’s an internet full of people going through the same thing.

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  14. It’s a terrible feeling, I hate that it comes with the extra side dose of guilt.

    It feels very isolating, and it is hard to voice- those that haven’t experienced it don’t understand.

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  15. Pingback: Pregnancy at work | In Quest of a Binky Moongee

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