Today, I feel lonely. Lonely in this world of pregnancy announcements, pregnancy news and updates, sight of pregnant women, newborn babies, and successful adoptions. Lonely even in the world of my fellow real life friends, online friends, and blogger friends who finally, after waiting for a very long time themselves for those two lines, or that phone call/email about a potential adoption, or the delivery of their newborn rainbow babies. I am happy for them, but I still feel lonely. Today.
Especially when my body is not cooperating and my basal body temperature continues to stay below the cover line. There is no ovulation in sight on Cycle Day 29.
Especially when my friends start to talk about trying for number two or three.
Especially when one by one, my secret Face.book friends have a “baby boom” and have gotten a BFP one after another.
I cheer them on. But I hurt deep down inside.
Not so much that I want them to suffer any longer. Not that I envy them that it came so easy, because it didn’t come easy.
For one, she lost two babies and finally could try to get pregnant once she started to have health insurance coverage. I can’t imagine what goes through her mind right now. Probably terrified to see what her beta number will turn out and has a mix of elation and anxiety of whether or not this baby will survive. You’re robbed of the joy and innocence when the false hope fools you repeatedly. But I am feeling lonely in that world of congratulations and those two lines that get darker and darker each day.
It took another friend 4.5 years to have her first child. It has taken another three years to get this fresh BFP, out of the blue, when she is taking a break from fertility treatment.
I am happy for her. I really am. But at the same time, I feel lonely. That yet another friend gets her BFP. One after another, I am becoming one of the only few people who don’t have children or who aren’t currently pregnant in this group.
That is such a lonely feeling.
Today, the unknown is killing me.
Right before Christmas, a coworker of mine finally got engaged after dating her long time boyfriend of seven to eight years. You know what my first thought was? Oh no, I don’t want her to get pregnant before I do! It’s such a shameful thing that my mind went straight to making a baby and was not thinking about the joy that she has of finally becoming engaged and planning a wedding. I thought of myself and how I would react if she got pregnant right away. I didn’t have enough faith that my time would come even before she walks down the aisle.
That made me feel lonely and silly to think that someone who hasn’t even gotten married would get pregnant before I do.
A week ago, one of the girls in the Bible study group that I lead emailed me to notify me that she is no longer going to attend because she recently discovered that she is expecting and she has been very tired. This is the second lady in my group who has gotten pregnant in the last year. It was such a happy news but again, I felt lonely.
Of course I don’t expect myself to feel good every single day. It’s in my constant prayers that I have peace and strength to go through everyday. I am confident that I will feel fine again. Maybe tomorrow. But today, I am lonely in this world of fertility and struggles.