Stark White

Not my favorite color.

It doesn’t really matter how we have hoped for the best and expected the worst.  When the worst comes, the result still stings.  

I sort of miscalculated when 13 days past IUI was.  I thought that it was going to be tomorrow, Friday.  Then I realized that it was going to be today, Thursday.  I was going to do a home pregnant test on Thursday. The result would dictate the direction of a blood pregnancy test on Friday.  Well, 13 DPIUI is today.  I was supposed to test yesterday.  I chickened out.  I would rather not know.  So this morning I woke up and got a high temperature.  I wanted to be around my hubby when I test so I did it this morning.  I pulled out an internet cheapie, dipped it in the urine, and waited for the one pink line to show up.  One pink line remained for the whole duration I was staring at the pee stick.  My heart did not even skip a beat.  It was just like the handful of times I have tested in the last two years.  One.  Pink.  Line.  I cleaned up, left the pee stick on the sink, and walked downstairs.  Bob looked up from making breakfast.  I just said, “Nothing.”  He came and gave me a big hug.  I wasn’t feeling sad.  It was as if nothing was out of the ordinary.  I carried on like usual, thinking to myself that I was doing quite well with my emotions.  I wrote to Dr. E asking if I should stop the progesterone and aspirin, and to confirm that I indeed wouldn’t need to do a blood test.

I left to go to work.  I usually pray for the length of time that I drive in to work.  I usually pray for other people as well as for me and Bob.  Today the prayer was for me and many questions in my head.  When are we going to get our baby?  How do we keep the faith and hope that it will one day happen to us?  What do we do to depend on You, Lord, for our strength?  How do I get through the day knowing that we have failed another cycle?  Questions questions questions.  I am also asking God about my friend who I shared about previously who was pregnant with twins.  At another ultrasound it was discovered that she had three heartbeats.  A couple of days ago, she lost two of the babies.  (If you know me in real life and know who I am talking about, please respect this friend and not to tell anyone about it or ask me or her any questions about it.  Thank you.)  One embryo was totally reabsorbed and could not be found on the ultrasound.  The other embryo measured at 9 week 4 days.  She went from two, to three, to now one.  I have been so so sad about this news and for her.  I do not understand why she has to be given two heartbeats, then three heartbeats, then down to one again.  I am full of questions today.  I doubt that I will get any clear answers.  

I wasn’t sad when I saw the one pink line.  I started to get sad when I cried out to the Lord in the car.  I teared up on my way to work and continued to talk to Him.  Although I was sad, I was still at peace and calm.  Isn’t that a weird combination?  I was sad for me and Bob. I was also sad for my friend who now tries so hard to fathom what has happened and how in the world she is going to hold onto that one baby inside her after losing two.  There are just so many unknowns.  

A little tear was good for my soul.  Allowing myself to be a little sad helps me recover from the disappointment of this cycle.  I am doing well again.  So here we are friends.  Stark white strikes again.  And what can we do?  We just press on and hope that the stark white will turn into a beautiful pink one day.  

52 thoughts on “Stark White

  1. i am so sorry…i too had this week. :/ I too find it amazing that in the midst of our struggles we can still feel a peace and calmness. God always said that He would never leave us, nor forsake us. So while I deal with this circumstance, He is always there holding me by my right hand as I cry to Him. I admire your faith. Hope, faith, and patience is what is going bring those double lines to our reality someday. I can’t wait to hear all about your double lines 🙂


    • Ooo I am sorry about your one pink line as well. Glad that you feel God’s presence when you’re facing this challenge. I hope that we both see those double lines very very soon. 🙂


      • yes I am praying that it will be soon 🙂 God loves to bless His children so I’m just waiting with anticipation. I know He never disappoints so it will be perfect when He does 🙂 hehe!


  2. I wish this wasn’t true! I am so sorry! I too have experienced the weird combination of sadness and calm. Lean into that and allow His peace to hold you and your husband.


  3. There is nothing worse than than one pink line staring back at you. I’m so sorry.. The ups and downs come at us all so quickly on this journey. I will be praying for your heart..


  4. I’m sorry about the stark white. No matter how many times it’s happened before, it always hurts to face that negative, that negation of life yet again. It’s OK to weep a little (or sometimes a lot). The loss and grief is real. I’m glad you were able to pray and find calm and peace as well. Thinking of you and wishing you the best on your journey.


  5. I’m sorry Isabelle. I totally get the whole being sad but at peace at the same time- I’ve been living like that for ages. Hugs to you… enjoy the Christmas season as much as you can.


  6. I’m so sorry. I hate those stubborn single pink lines! I get what you mean about staying peaceful even while sad, though; I think many of us on this journey have been in the same place. Sorry to hear about your friend too. Take care.


  7. I’m very sorry my friend; you’re right, the disappointment, no matter how expected, doesn’t really lessen. I am so much hoping for you that the future holds only beautiful pink for you. For now, take the time for as much indulgent self care as you need. Sending you strength and hugs.


  8. I was also pregnant with triplets as u probably know although i only ever saw the heartbeat of our baby boy as the other two were already gone at my 8 week ultrasound. i hope things turn out well for ur friend. Its scary to see ur babes disapearing in there. i hope the last little one holds on for her. i understand how u feel about a little tear doing u well. Its necessary to let it out sometimes. 😦 hugs!


  9. I’m so sorry, Isabelle. You always have the best attitude about dealing with this kind of disappointment, and I really admire your courage and character. I have had many of those crying and praying sessions in the car, and it does help to just let the tears come out. Thinking of you and praying for you to see that second line soon.


  10. Oh, I’m sorry Isabelle. I was hoping things were going to turn out better when I read you were converting to an IUI. I’m glad that you’re feeling OK, but it never gets easier.


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  12. This post is beautifully written. I am still working on handling my disappointments the way you do. I’ve paid a lot of money to shrink to get me close to where you are. I am happy that you’re not letting the negatives defeat you. You’re awesome.


    • Thank you so much for stopping by and commenting. Of course I am still disappointed at what I don’t have yet but I can safely say that I am so far rid of that bitterness that I hated so much. I hope that you’ll find peace some day soon. Thanks again. 🙂


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