Annoyances

What is more annoying than not getting a positive OPK for many days?  Finally getting a positive OPK but ovulation is no where to be found.  

We have been diligently having our BD sessions everyday. Bob was sick over the weekend but he has been a very good sport.  He fell asleep early on Saturday night when he was suffering from a sore throat and high temperature and got knocked out by NyQuil.  Other than that one night, baby making has been high on our agenda.  I usually ovulate on CD 13.  However, I didn’t get a positive OPK until CD 16.  I was so excited that my poor husband could finally rest as positive OPK to me means just doing the deed for one more night and then temperature would usually rise in two mornings.  No such luck this time.  Temperature is still low today, which is CD 18.  I find it very very annoying.  I do want to get the show going and start my two week wait rather than wondering when an egg will pop.  Egg white cervical fluid came and went.  Cervix has been high and soft.  But… as you all may know, low temperature = no ovulation.  I know this is the cycle immediately after the our failed IVF #2.  So my body may be doing some wacky things.   All my calculations of the next cycle and when we should cycle in November if we choose to do a fresh one are offtrack.  You think that I should’ve learned by now that nothing is predictable or reliable when it comes to baby making.  

In other news, I have been feeling a tad nicer to people this week.  Then the following happened.  My infertile pregnant friend continues her extreme pregnancy sickness and extended rest at home from work.  Yup.  That’s the friend with the famous line of “Let nature take its course; It’ll happen when you least expect it.”  She continues to write me messages everyday.  I sometimes write back, sometimes don’t.  The other day, I chose to write back and engaged in this exchange with her:

Her:  By the way, heard ICSI works.  Have you guys looked into it?

Me: (Cue eye rolling and suppressing my urge to say something mean and sarcastic) It’s just a part of IVF.  We’ve done it.

She then asked me a bunch of questions about our IVF cycles, which I answered.  Then…

Her:  As long as you are still producing eggs, it is still hopeful that there will be success.  Just be persistent.

Me: (Cue major eye rolling) …………

I chose to NOT respond to that.  First of all, I don’t know why she felt an urge to make IVF suggestions to me.  Anyone who has already done a round or two of IVF probably has the knowledge of what each procedure does and how each one helps.  I know that not all would do ICSI but most likely would have looked into it.  Does she assume that I didn’t do my research?  What does it mean that by “heard ICSI works”?  Who did she hear it from and who did it work for?  I reject anything so generic and one-size-fits-all.  I know she might have meant well but the effect of it was totally opposite of what she intended.  I am not as quick as my hubby when it comes to responding to such a comment with a good comeback.  When I told him what she suggested, he said, “I heard sex works too”.  Heehee.  

And don’t even get me started on part two of her advice.  Just be persistent?  Hm…  I don’t know what part of my life is not being persistent when it comes to trying to have a take home baby.  Is it the drive of at least an hour each way five to six times during each IVF cycle to see my RE?  Or is it the daily injections of four to five vials of medications on my belly?  Or maybe it is the phone calls to the insurance company, pharmacies, and doctor’s office countless times to get the best out of the money that we pay?  Could it be the thousands of dollars that we have thrown into this route or the tens of thousands more that we will continue to drain?  Or maybe it’s the time, effort, and money that we put into acupuncture, Maya abdominal massage, or Chinese herbs.  I don’t know.  I sometimes just cannot stand someone who knows nothing about the struggles of having the diagnosis of diminished ovarian reserve and failing IVF cycles to give me advice about what I should or should not do.  

And then the chat got even better.  Many hours later, she typed:

“Have u ever had a slight cold during pregnancy?”

What the heck?  I have NEVER EVER gotten pregnant before.  Why the heck did she ask ME?

Then she realized that she typed in the wrong window and asked the wrong person.  But she did not apologize for asking the wrong question to the wrong person who might really mind her asking such a question.  She just said, “I’m trying to get rid of my stupid cough.”

Maybe I have become bitter and resentful towards this friend.  Bob thinks that I should just block her from gchat so she does not continue to make suggestions, give advice, or share her pregnancy annoyances with me intentionally or unintentionally.  I am really not the best person for her to share about her pregnancy ups and downs.  

I have been praying for a heart of love, openness and acceptance, one that is free of jealousy, annoyance, and self-pity.  I have to say that on some days it is a huge struggle.  I have to tell myself that it is okay to feel these things.  I am a work in progress.  I hope nobody is expecting me to be perfect and always nice and happy.