I have my moments

Nobody got on my nerves.  Nobody said anything insensitive or mean to me today.  I was just going about my own business and wrapping up things at work.  I read a blog post and my emotions just hit me like a ton of bricks.  A fellow blogger is 12 weeks pregnant today.  Her egg retrieval was on the same day as my first egg retrieval.  She got a positive beta with a much deserved pregnancy.  My cycle didn’t go the way I wanted.  I have been following her and cheering for her, sometimes silently and sometimes with comments.  Today… after reading her post, it just dawned on me that it could have been me.  I could have been the one writing a post about being 12 weeks pregnant if that truly was how it turned out.  But it is not me.  The could haves and what ifs were just too much for me to bear in that one moment.  Emotions are such a complicated thing.  I was happy for her, a bit jealous of her, feeling sorry for myself, and then feeling guilty for feeling sorry for myself and jealous of her.  It was so tough.  I was having a moment and starting tearing up about the lost opportunity, the unknown future of my frozen embryo, a reminder that twelve whole weeks have passed, the brutal reality of a second retrieval that resulted in nothing, and the road ahead that is so hard to predict.  My dear officemate said to me, “I am surprised you don’t have more of these moments.”  Well, I don’t have many of these.  But today I do.  And I am confronting my feelings instead of hiding from them.  And what else can you do other than forging forward with what is left in us hoping and praying that the outcome will be what we have always wished for?  I wiped my tears and moved on.  Sometimes it is good to cry.

43 thoughts on “I have my moments”

  2. ambermarsh says:

    I completely understand every single word you’ve written. I too would be around 12 weeks, we did a 5 day transfer on July 27. Preg tests positive, beta levels great. All the tiredness and nausea that an early pregnancy brings, only to go to my 6 week ultrasound and find only a sac. Nothing else. The embryo, that we thought looked good, the only one we had, never grew into anything past implantation. This is a horrible roller coaster. When i thought I’d be scheduling another ultrasound, I was instead scheduling a D&C. I wouldnt wish this on anyone. I just try to remain positive and know that there’s a plan for us. Maybe it’s our next (and prob last) IVF cycle, maybe not. But just know, that you’re not alone. Thoughts and prayers

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    • Isabelle says:

      Big hugs to you. What you described is so terrible and heart wrenching. I am so sorry that you had to go through with it. We try to stay positive but sometimes it’s just so tough. Thanks for the support. 🙂 I hope that this next one is it for you.

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  4. journeyformybaby says:

    yes. this happened to me too. i joined an ivf forum with my first cycle which failed and i went on to read the pregnancy posts and blogs from a few of those dear ladies. it broke my heart while i thought of my little embabies that could have went on living and growing instead of me having to move on to the next cycle. take heart though. it will be u soon.

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  5. Annie says:

    I know exactly what you mean about thinking of all the could-have-beens. I always think about the benchmarks I would be passing if my March pregnancy had made it–would have entered the second trimester in May, would have found out the gender in August, would have entered the third trimester this month. When the would-have-been due date comes in December, I know that will be hard too. I think you are so right that it is good to let yourself have those moments of breaking down and crying. We can’t be strong all the time. Your officemate sounds like a very understanding friend 🙂 I’m sorry you had to go through one of those moments today, but I’m glad you were with someone supportive when it happened. Thinking of you.

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    • Isabelle says:

      😦 You may need a lot of hugs and ice cream in December, although I hope that by then you have a great reason to celebrate. 🙂 Yeah gotta have our moments, right? My officemate is a very good friend and I am grateful to have her around.

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  6. torthuil says:

    I am sorry you had a rough day.Those feelings of sadness and thoughts of “what if” can really sneak up on your when you least expect it. I believe it is best to be honest about your feelings, with yourself and others. So keep speaking out and the support and love will be there for you. Sending hugs and good thoughts your way.

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    • Isabelle says:

      Thanks. I did contemplate whether or not to write about my feelings. Then I figure, this is my blog and it helps me the most when I am honest. Thanks for the hugs and the thoughts. 🙂

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  8. hellsbellsbaby2013 says:

    I’m sorry you’ve had a bad day but I think we all have times when we bed to let the pain out and show to someone otherwise it gets quite lonely and tiresome carrying the pain and hurt around inside everyday. I’m glad your officemate was kind. Hoping for a better day for you to tomorrow x

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  9. catwoman73 says:

    All of these emotions are completely understandable. I’ve been there myself- I have a coworker that was due within a few days of me with my third miscarriage. She now has a beautiful daughter from that pregnancy, and obviously, I don’t. Her child will always remind me of what I’ve lost. It’s so hard. Sending you love and hugs…

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  10. maddie says:

    Oh Isabelle, I’m sorry. It’s so hard all the time and sometimes it gets the better of you. You can’t always be happy for people having what you so desperately want. Most of the time, but not all the time. It is good to cry every once in a while. I’m glad you had someone so supportive around.

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  12. newtoivf says:

    its important to let it out..and dont feel guilty, some days I’m happy to read the posts of those who were lucky and are now pregs…other days I have to sjip over them. Its just the way it is xx

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  13. redbluebird says:

    Try not to feel guilty about your feelings– you shouldn’t have to. You have reasons to have bad moments (or days, or weeks). From reading your blog, I see you as a very strong, positive person. But no one can expect you to not be affected by the “what ifs.” You’re right… sometimes we need a good cry.

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  15. Kandie says:

    Makes me want to cry with you and for you. You are right it is ok to cry and it’s ok to have these emotions too. I have them as well. They come out of nowhere most of the time and just hit you like a ton of bricks. I am praying for you and all the lovely girls I follow.

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  17. Aramis says:

    I know how this feels too. One of the girls I started blogging with and cycled with during my second IVF just gave birth to her twins yesterday. I’m so happy for her…but sad for me. There’s nothing wrong with feeling this way.

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    • Isabelle says:

      Thanks girl. That sad and happy feeling is just so… familiar every single time someone with DOR gets pregnant or gives birth. Hey maybe it’s going to your turn next for me to be happy for!

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  19. Kasey says:

    I just wanted to send some love and some hugs. Its okay to have those feelings. There is nothing wrong with being sad for you and even jealous feelings of not getting what you wanted especially when it coincides around the same time. Sending love your direction and wishing you some peace of mind! xo

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    • Isabelle says:

      Thanks for the love and hugs! Much appreciated. And you’re right that it’s okay to have these feelings. I just hope that I will continue to be happy rather than sad most of the time.

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  20. Sadie says:

    I understand all of this so well. It’s really hard to feel torn between wanting to celebrate someone’s milestones while feeling like they’re leaving you behind, and are just a sad reminder of what you *don’t* have but should. I think you’re doing a very healthy thing in allowing yourself all these perfectly normal, if exhausting feelings. Sending you strength.

    Here from ICLW.

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