No more Daisy

In the last two days, I have already prepared myself for bad news.  I really didn’t think that a grade three three-cell embryo would turn into a blastocyst.  Of course I still hoped for the best.  Miracles do happen.  Just didn’t happen to me this time.  I start to think that maybe we got very lucky the last cycle.  I wonder if this is going to be the norm for future cycles.  Maybe the name Daisy is too weak.  Clay didn’t get its name for nothing.  Bob joked that maybe Daisy should have been Delilah.  I seriously laughed very hard at that joke.  Maybe this is still early.  Maybe I have already cried like crazy on Wednesday.  I didn’t feel a thing in my heart when I saw Dr. E’s email.  I find my mind moving towards the next step.  Do we do one more cycle with Dr. E after this so that we can transfer Clay?  Do we keep Clay frozen and start banking embryos down at L.ife IVF in Irvine?  Do we take care of the fibroids first before even talking about banking embryos again?  Unfortunately, having the diagnosis of DOR means that we are in it for the long haul before we can have our take home baby.  That is, if we use our own eggs.  Things may move faster if we go the donor egg route.  I don’t think I am ready to give up on my own eggs yet.  On top of fertility matters, Bob received a job offer at the startup company I mentioned about before.  I am very proud of him!  At the same time, we have to seriously evaluate the offer and see what kind of health insurance we’ll get.  I am okay with a plan that offers a high deductible.  I just need to know what we’re dealing with.  So there you go friends.  The end of our IVF #2.  We have to sit down and talk about what IVF #3 may look like.  We may not go with Dr. E anymore.  As much as I love her, once insurance money is finished, she’s almost three times as pricey as going to L.ife IVF.  We haven’t decided yet.  I think I will need another thinking break from IVF.  Thanks for all the support you have all given me.  It makes this journey more tolerable.

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Edited to Add:

Ugh.  It doesn’t help that one of my friends shared her pregnancy news with me today.  Well, she didn’t exactly share.  She had been quite cryptic about why she had been taking time off and resting at home for the last week or so.  Since I have been on vacation, she knew that I was available online and kept on sending me messages.  So finally I asked what was wrong with her body.  She told me to call her.  Big mistake on my part, especially today.  Once I called, she began to complain about all day sickness and nausea and what not.  I asked again what was wrong with her body.  She then proceeded to ask me to guess why she had been home.  All I asked was, “How far along are you?”  I didn’t say congratulations.  I wasn’t being a good friend.  But hey, I think I could do that today.  I felt no joy for her.  And I was super annoyed to hear her go on and on about the IV drip, the all day nausea, and not having a chance to go on a babymoon because she’s been so sick.  I mean… she has been trying for a baby for a long time (at least 3.5 to 4 years) so I should be very happy for her that she finally got pregnant on her own.  But… I just feel no joy for her today.  She asked how we were doing.  I said… not good, but I didn’t want to go into it.  And then this comes out of her mouth:

“Just let nature take its course.  It’ll happen when you least expect it.”

Yeah.  Maybe true for you.  I said, “With my diagnosis, I highly doubt it that it’ll happen to us naturally without any medical intervention. We’ve done two IVFs and have gotten some bad news.”

I really didn’t want to hear her whine.  So I found an excuse and hung up.  Sorry.  I am not a good friend today.  But I need to self-preserve.