Okay. I got my ugly cry out of the system already. I am doing okay.
First of all, thanks for all the support from the last post. I really appreciate all the virtual hugs.
Today is day three after retrieval. I was quite nervous this morning. You know that mental state? It doesn’t matter what you tell yourself, you’re still nervous. Dr. E usually updates us early in the morning. We waited and waited, refreshed my email account on my phone many times, and stared at the computer screen while I was at it. No email. I think the not-knowing kills me more than the bad news. This morning I had to take Bob to his immigration appointment in downtown at 11am. Still no news when I was waiting in the car for him. I was hoping that Dr. E wouldn’t call me on the phone. I somehow equate bad news with phone calls. I was thinking, “Please please no phone calls”. When Bob got back to the car, he asked, “Any news?” I said “No” while refreshing my phone screen. And there it was. One new email. My heart was pounding and my hand was shaking a little. I was hoping for at least similar progress as last time: grade one four-cell embryo on day three. Unfortunately, the news wasn’t what we wanted. This is Dr. E’s email:
“This morning’s report is not as encouraging
but there is always still a chance as you know from experience
our day 3 embryos is a 3 cell grade 3. The likelihood that it’s genetically normal is low but not zero.
the second embryo isn’t dividing.
I will update you on Friday
I’m sorry this cycle isn’t going better
but there’s still a chance we have a blastocyst
I will let you know on Friday”
Cue ugly cry. Well, it took me maybe two minutes before I felt it in my heart. The oh-so-familiar feeling from last cycle, although this time the feeling was worse. I don’t know what grade three three-cell translates to when it comes to making a blastocyst. I don’t want to consult with Dr. Google or ask a friend. I just know in my heart that this could be a bust. All the stimulations, monitoring appointments, waiting, driving. It comes to this low point of ONE embryo not dividing the way we want it to. All the hopes and dreams riding on this one embryo, again. Daisy doesn’t seem to have the kind of persistence that Clay did. I really want Daisy to prove me wrong here.
I AM grateful for Clay that is still frozen in time, waiting to come home. And I am ultra-grateful for 1) getting this news when I am on vacation and not at work and 2) Bob being around and hanging out with me all day while I recuperated. We have given names to embryos up to the letter i. I hope that we really don’t have to use up all the names before we get our take home baby.
We don’t know the outcome of this cycle. I may be pleasantly surprised again. I may not be. But I do know that every time with embryos that don’t grow, my heart dies a little.
I know the Lord will help me get through it though. I know it.