A thinking break

I have been taking a thinking break.

That is, a break from thinking about all things IVF.

Last week we have had to think too much about what to do every step of the way.  Emotionally and mentally, I am tired.  We asked Dr. E a bunch of questions when we talked about the embryo that was going to be frozen, such as what the next step was.  According to her, we would wait for AF to come, check on the follicles, and go from there.  If the follicles look good, we may proceed to a fresh cycle immediately.  If there aren’t too many, we may take a break for a month.

Honestly, after that phone call on Tuesday, my brain has been shut from IVF.  I went about doing my own things.  Going to work, cooking dinner, cleaning the house, commenting on Facebook, and having a car that broke down.  Yup.  My car broke down.  

A little history of my car.  It’s a 2006 Mazda3 hatchback.  My hubby calls it a “Mouse”.  It has not been the best car to us.  Ever since its warranty expired, this car has been giving me a lot of trouble.  I would have to show up frequently to my very trusted mechanic to chitchat with his wife while he figured out what the problem du jour was.  It stalled and refused to move three weeks ago when we stopped in front of a traffic light.  All the dashboard warning lights came up.  I cranked it three times before it decided to go again.  I brought it over to my mechanic, got a 60,000 mile tune-up, and let him drive it around for four days before he declared that he could not find anything wrong with it.  He didn’t charge for the driving around part but I did pay him close to $400 to get the tune-up.  So I didn’t expect anything to be wrong with it.

Fast forward to last Thursday.  After work, I started the car, pulled it to reverse, and got ready to go.  The car jerked violently two times forward and backward.  I was totally shocked by it and quickly stepped on the brake.  I turned off and on the ignition, and the same thing happened.  It was then that I saw the check engine light and the AT light on.  My first thought was… NOT AGAIN??!??  The next thing I did was to check the owner’s manual.  Apparently, the AT light is for the “autotransaxle” (whatever that means) and you are advised to not drive the car with this particular light on.  Fantastic.  I pulled my car back into the parking spot then went back up to my office to see if any of my coworkers could give me a ride home.  I should say that I feel lucky that the car had a problem at my own work’s garage.  Our garage was under construction for about six weeks and we had to park at a high school’s garage about two blocks away for those six weeks.  It was just this past week that we were allowed back in our own parking garage.  I am grateful that it didn’t happen when we were forced to park at the high school garage or on the street.  I didn’t end up getting a ride from my coworkers since no one was leaving soon.  So I took public transportation for the first time in the 9 1/2 years that I have been working here.

I got the car towed the next day to my mechanic.  He finally called me back on Saturday with bad bad news.  My 7-year-old car has transmission problems that need to be fixed.  My mechanic does not do Mazda transmission.  If we want to get it fixed, we’ll need to be referred to another shop.  It would cost quite a bit of money so it is really up to us whether to fix it or to simply sell it/trade it in.

I hate car trouble (who doesn’t?).  I am super bummed that it decided to have problems after I spent several hundred dollars to make sure that it wouldn’t have any problems.  I hate to have to think about what to do with it.  I hate decisions at this moment as there are so many other decisions to make in life.

Bob is right though.  He thinks that the car broke down with good timing.  Imagine having car trouble a week ago when we were going through so much with our first IVF.  I think I would’ve lost it if everything happened at the same time.  And he is also right that this is something we can fix with money.  We don’t need this car.  We have other cars we can use so we are in no rush to decide what to do with it.  We have other things that we have to worry about that can’t be fixed with money, such as infertility.  This is something that we can control.  Just fix or sell the darn car.

Thank you husband for your wise words.  I think you are more and more like my daddy. 🙂

Because of car trouble (or using my car trouble as an excuse), I haven’t really thought about our next cycle.  I have been procrastinating with the thought of the need to write down questions for Dr. E when we get together with her.  I don’t know when AF will arrive since I have never done IVF and don’t know what happens when your body does not release progesterone on its own.  I have not really been taking my temperature since there is no point.  Although today I did temp and got a nice 98.0.  Everything is unpredictable again.  I thought I would have written down some questions by tonight already.  Guess what?  I have done everything but writing down questions.  Bob and I met up with a good friend of mine who moved out of town a couple of years ago and came back in town for a visit.  She came with her two kids and we had a great time visiting.  Bob ordered me a new MacBook Air for my birthday on the day when we thought we had a failed cycle sort of as a “be nice to ourselves after a failed cycle” not knowing that we would have a frozen blastocyst the next day.  We received it on Friday and I have been playing around with it as well as looking on Etsy for a nice laptop cover.  I cooked a full meal for dinner.  And now I am blogging and not writing down questions for Dr. E.  

It has been a nice six days off of not thinking about any questions.  But I think I have to get back to things…. There is so much to think about.  We have some insurance money left since we didn’t do the transfer.  Do we go with Dr. E or do we go with Dr. Y in Southern California?  We only got one frozen embryo with high stims protocol.  Should we try to save money and buy a package of three cycles for $10,000 with Dr. Y rather than paying a lot more to stay with Dr. E?  I honestly think that the kind of care and personal attention that we get from Dr. E is truly phenomenal.  I truly think that it made a difference in how we made our decisions when we had our medical provider that would give us all the information we needed for every step of the way.  She was the one who talked to us and broke our news to us and answered all of our questions regardless of what time it was.  I know it’d be hard to find someone like that.  

Anyhow, it’s approaching bed time and I am still not ready to write down my questions.  Maybe tomorrow????

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I just want to welcome those who are here for ICLW.  We just finished our first IVF cycle with ups and downs and ups and downs and some more ups and downs.  Finally we got a frozen blastocyst on day six after egg retrieval.  Thanks for visiting!

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16 thoughts on “A thinking break

  1. Thanks for the welcome 🙂 I don’t envy your car troubles in the slightest!
    As far as the choice between Dr’s goes, i haven’t started my treatment yet, but with my partner, medical treatment is not a new thing for us. I don’t know much about either doctor, but i think that being with some one you trust and feel comfortable with is the most important thing when it comes down to it. On the other hand, savings of any kind are fantastic. . .

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    • Thanks for visiting! Infertility = decisions….. it’s never ending. I truly love my doctor…. so it’s going to be heartbreaking for me if we ever have to part ways other than the great reason of me graduating to an OB.

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  2. I had a phantom recurring problem with my old car that turned out to be the fuel regulator chip. Took 5 visits to three different mechanics, a psychotic breakdown in LaGrange, KY (where’s that, you ask? about 20 minutes from my parents house and 1hour 10 minutes from my university), and a week at a dealership before the head mechanic finally called the manufacturer’s hotline (seriously!) to find the cause, then another week to get the new chip.
    Which is a long, roundabout way of saying, “Bleck! I totally feel your pain.” I always feel horrible when my car feels horrible.

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    • Thanks girl! Wow I am glad you finally found the answer to your problem. I didn’t know that you currently have car trouble as well… or are you just in the market right now for a new car?

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  3. Breaks are great–I try not to think about fertility between cycles. It’s too hard to constantly be thinking about it. But I’m sorry that you’re being distracted by car trouble, that’s too bad. Is Dr. Y for a mini-IVF or Natural Cycle IVF attempt? We started out with a Dr. that pushed NC-IVF and his bedside manner was so awful I couldn’t wait to change practices. It’s a controversial topic, but the two doctors that we see (RE and urologist) aren’t big fans of NC-IVF, they think conventional IVF is the way to go. I’m not sure I 100% agree, but for now I’m sticking with our current RE based on how great our dr-patient relationship is. It’s so important to have a doctor you trust and who you think has your best interest at heart–not their statistics or their revenue.

    In the meantime, enjoy the relatively infertility free break you’re on!

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    • Dr. Y does mini and natural, depending on your FSH level. He tailors each cycle to your hormones so no two cycles are the same. At least that was what I learned from other online friends who have cycled there. I just need my current RE to tell me honestly if we’re wasting money doing high stim if mini/natural will give me the same result. Dr. E does out of town monitoring for Dr. Y and thinks highly of him. So I would trust that Dr. E will give me an honest opinion. I just need to get my act together and write some questions down!!

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  4. I love your hubby’s comments about the car. Wise indeed!
    And in case it helps, my first period after IVF came only a little later than expected (~2.5 weeks after retrieval), but was super light. Just spotting, really.

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    • He loves it that you also think that he’s wise. 😀

      I have seen some slight slight slight and ever so slight pink on my TP. I really don’t know what it means. Tomorrow was supposed to be my beta test so I supposed they assume that if I didn’t get pregnant by tomorrow, AF should come??? Dunno.

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  5. visiting from ICLW. Your husband has a good perspective on car trouble! at least it is “easily” fixable. I am sorry to read about your roller coaster IVF cycle. I have POF so I know how devestating it is. My first/only “own eggs” IVF cycle was cancelled and it is a big blow. I hope that that blast is your take home baby when you do teh transfer!

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    • I went over to your site and boy, I am so sorry for the difficult journey that you’ve been on. Have you thought about mini/natural IVF like I talked about in one of the comments above? I belong to another online forum for high FSH ladies and many of them who are young (in their 20s) and had FSH of 90+ found their FSH going down month after month since they stopped their BCP. So I guess BCPs really suppress the ovaries of some ladies. One girl recently got pregnant on her own after going to acupuncture and doing other things. I guess what I’m trying to say is… hang in there. This journey is not easy. I am glad you get support from people around you.

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  6. here from ICLW. I read your last few blog entries. I really feel for all the ups and downs that you have been through! but I’m glad that the outcome so far has been good and you froze one embryo. And I’m glad the car broken or not is something you can live with. Anyway, I hope things get better for you. Hang in there, from another DOR-er.

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  7. I think a time out thinking break is a great approach to helping your brain subconsciously process what you have just been through. My second IVF was cancelled under similar circumstances, only my little embie never made it to more than 2 cells. No words can explain how I felt when that happened, that was the lowest point on our journey to parenthood. I honestly thought that that was the end for us. Then I started digging and I found people who went from a cancelled cycle to their BFP! It gave the strength to pick myself up and have another go. IVF#4 finally came through for us, so I just want to let you know that the BFP is possible after a cancelled IVF and with your little embie that can that has been frozen who knows, maybe your healthy babe in arms is just around the corner.

    Wishing you the very best of luck on your journey.

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  8. Sometimes its actually fun not thinking about upcoming cycles- Im sorry your attention has to be focused on car troubles instead though. Wishing you the best!

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