Jealousy

I am not usually jealous of others for having what I don’t have.  Somehow infertility has turned me into a very different person.  When we began to try for a baby, my heart often skipped a beat whenever someone announced their pregnancy.  It could be a very close friend, an acquaintance, or a friend’s friend who announced her news on Facebook.  My reactions could range from wanting to cry, to feeling this tugging on my heart, to wanting to hide at home and not see anyone.  It would hurt the most when my close friends were expecting, especially when they conceived without even “trying” or it happened quickly.  The first twelve months of our TTC journey were somehow the toughest.  These pregnancy announcements coupling with BFNs or AF’s arrival could send me into a semi-depression.  From reading blogs and talking with fellow TTCers, these feelings seem to be very common.  I would think that I wouldn’t be jealous of those who found success after trying for a long time, but I was.  I didn’t like the person that I had turned into, but I couldn’t help myself feeling this way.  I had been praying for God to help me to remove the jealous feeling and to at least feel neutral if I couldn’t feel happy for someone.

Something in me has been changing in the last few months.  It begins to hurt a little less when I see pregnant ladies.  I can be in their presence again.  Ultrasound photos and pregnancy belly photos don’t bother me as much, although I still hide them on Facebook.  A very good friend of mine whose sister adopted a child after years of fertility treatment wrote me an email sharing her third pregnancy with me.  Because of her sister, she knew exactly how to best share her news with me.  It only took me a mere five minutes to mourn my own loss of natural conception.  I began to feel happy and excited for her.  What a welcomed change!  I really don’t want to become that person who is always bitter about others’ very happy news.  And I don’t wish this journey upon anyone, close friends or strangers.  I also began to feel instantly happy for those who found success in getting pregnant or sustaining a pregnancy after their long struggles.  I celebrate with my Facebook secret group friends who show that highly coveted BFP.  I want to know how they are doing and am truly happy to see their belly photos online.  Yesterday I was very very excited for a fellow TTCer who is also diagnosed with diminished ovarian reserve with crappy AMH.  She got to the egg retrieval phase of her first IVF and got 14 eggs!  For someone suffering from DOR and often gets about 6 or 7 resting follicles each cycle, this is like a wild dream coming true.  Today’s news is that out of 14 eggs, 9 fertilized!  I really can’t begin to tell you how happy I am for her.  And I LOVE being in this place to be happy for someone else’s good news in their journey!  I am praying that all 9 of the fertilized eggs will get to the day 5 blastocyst stage.  And I am very hopeful that she’s get pregnant this cycle!

I am not saying that I have come to that happy point where I will be happy for anyone who gets pregnant.  But this is a very good starting point for me.  Like what my friend J said, “Don’t bear yourself up for needing to mourn or not wanting to be happy for them. You have/and continue to struggle with an unknown future for your family and that is rough.”  I am grateful for wise friends who have gone through this journey.  I hope that I will continue to move to that place where I am focused on my own fertility and won’t get affected by other people’s business.  Definitely can’t do it without God’s help.

Today, I am thankful for:

  • Being happy for friends’ happy news
  • Facebook’s chat so I can connect with friends instantly to discuss things
  • my husband for being such a silly character and comic relief
  • the weekend!!
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