I like things my way. I like to be in control. The one thing that I have learned so far about TTC is that, this journey would drive type A people crazy because there are so many things out of your control. I know I am not in control. I know God is. I have been praying for my ability to let go and relinquish my control because who am I kidding, I can’t control what my FSH is going to be, how many antral follicles there are, if my corpus luteum cyst is still going to be in my ovary on CD2, what the traffic will be like when I drive over an hour to see Dr. E, if my insurance company considers Endometrin as a fertility drug, or whether or not I will respond to high stims. I thought that one thing I could control was to plan ahead for AF’s arrival as I often have a 14 day luteal phase. I was counting on it to come on Tuesday June 4th as 14-day luteal phase seems to be the way it has been for the last many months. I have a work conference for two days on Thursday and Friday and just need AF to come on Tuesday so my second ultrasound monitoring will be on Saturday or Sunday, as planned. I was totally thrown off by a hint of pink on my toilet paper yesterday. What? Is AF arriving already? Total panic mode. It was only 12dpo yesterday. AF isn’t supposed to come until Tuesday. I have made arrangement at work so that I can go on Wednesday for my CD2 appointment. Now do I have to scramble and call in tomorrow so that I can go see Dr. E early if AF comes tonight? I don’t like all these uncertainties. But, God is teaching me to let go of my control. I need to cognitively and emotionally accept that it is going to work out fine in the end. It’s not going to be a big deal if I call in and cancel appointments at work so that I can go to my own personal medical appointment. It’s not going to be the end of the world if AF arrives one day early. I just have to let go. It’s hard but I am trying.
Well, then let me remind myself of what I am thankful for today:
- Having slept in
- a nice walk with Bob and watched airplanes landing and taking off
- great crepes for lunch
- bread pudding waiting in the fridge
- time to rest
- videos to review how to mix and inject Menopur so that I can refer back to them to calm my nerves
God is always good. Life is still good.